Emotional Health of Children

„„ABCXXI – ABCXXI – All of Poland Reads to KidsAll of Poland Reads to Kids” Foundation ” Foundation

MaMajorjor emotional needs of a child emotional needs of a child

» need of love, bonding, securityneed of love, bonding, security» belonging, being importantbelonging, being important and and appreciatedappreciated» acceptance, encouragement and supportacceptance, encouragement and support» pride, success, expressing oneselfpride, success, expressing oneself» new stimuli and intellectual stimulationnew stimuli and intellectual stimulation» autonomy, independence, etc.autonomy, independence, etc.

• It is the FEELING of It is the FEELING of aa child, not child, not of anof an adult, that adult, that is decisive in determining whether a is decisive in determining whether a particularparticular

need has been satisfied!need has been satisfied!

The need of bondingThe need of bonding

» BBond ond is an evolutionary is an evolutionary bio-social bio-social mechanism mechanism that guarantees child’s survival.that guarantees child’s survival.

» TThe need to establish a strong emotional he need to establish a strong emotional relationship with onerelationship with one,, closest person emerges closest person emerges right after birthright after birth..

Breaking the evolutionary continuum – Breaking the evolutionary continuum – distorted bondsdistorted bonds

» Human children are born prematurely Human children are born prematurely – due to the – due to the upright body posture upright body posture of man of man and the size of infant’s and the size of infant’s brain brain (head)(head), children cannot be delivered later. Human infants , children cannot be delivered later. Human infants are the least independent of all mammals.are the least independent of all mammals.

» Over the first year the child needOver the first year the child needss to be carried to be carried and and has to stay close to its motherhas to stay close to its mother:: it needs her warmth, the it needs her warmth, the feeling of security, the touch of her skin and movements feeling of security, the touch of her skin and movements similar to those in similar to those in thethe womb. womb.

» To establish secure bond, tTo establish secure bond, the child needs one, he child needs one, the the same same loving personloving person,, adapting to its needs adapting to its needs and and tak takinging care care of it of it for the first three yearsfor the first three years of its life of its life. The mother is . The mother is predisposed by hormones predisposed by hormones to take to take attuned attuned care of the child on a continuous basis.care of the child on a continuous basis.

Breaking the evolutionary continuum – Breaking the evolutionary continuum – distorted bondsdistorted bonds

» At birth, children’s brains and needs are the same as At birth, children’s brains and needs are the same as thetheyy were in the Paleolithic period were in the Paleolithic period whenwhen separation separation from the mother from the mother meant meant rejection and sure death.rejection and sure death.

Today, Today, a a small child also perceivesmall child also perceivess separation and loneliness separation and loneliness as as a threat of death, hence it reacts with crying and despair. a threat of death, hence it reacts with crying and despair. The trauma boosts production of cortisol, the stress The trauma boosts production of cortisol, the stress hormone, that damages the brain tissue.hormone, that damages the brain tissue.

» Children who are carried continuously Children who are carried continuously by their moms and by their moms and other important persons other important persons are calmer, do not cry, get familiar are calmer, do not cry, get familiar with the language and the world from a safer position of with the language and the world from a safer position of their motherstheir mothers’’ arms, quickly become independent and arms, quickly become independent and responsible.responsible.

Breaking the evolutionary continuum – Breaking the evolutionary continuum – distorted bondsdistorted bonds

» Contemporary civilization Contemporary civilization damagedamages children’s brains s children’s brains and mentality and mentality – premature – premature „„abandonment” of children is abandonment” of children is common, mothers do not carry their childrencommon, mothers do not carry their children, , they return to they return to workwork soon after they deliver a baby. soon after they deliver a baby.

» Prematurely separated children Prematurely separated children (because of being left (because of being left alone in alone in a separate beda separate bed,, room, room, nursery) nursery) suffer from emotional suffer from emotional disordersdisorders – – they they have trouble calming down, concentrating have trouble calming down, concentrating and learning,and learning, they they experience difficulties in establishing experience difficulties in establishing healthy, close relations, can be aggressive, self—healthy, close relations, can be aggressive, self—destructive, fascinated with evil. destructive, fascinated with evil.

» IIt is the t is the boysboys whose minds and souls suffer the most. whose minds and souls suffer the most.

Unconditional love of parentsUnconditional love of parentsis the most important emotional need of is the most important emotional need of aa child child

• Unconditional lUnconditional love does not depend on sex, health, age,ove does not depend on sex, health, age, beauty, talents, personality or even behavior of the child.beauty, talents, personality or even behavior of the child.

• Children have the right to unconditional love of their Children have the right to unconditional love of their parents onlyparents only becausebecause they need that love!they need that love!

• A child is so helpless that only the love of the closest A child is so helpless that only the love of the closest personperson guarantees its survival and development. Without guarantees its survival and development. Without feeling thatfeeling that love, the child is prone to suffer from emotional love, the child is prone to suffer from emotional disorders.disorders.

• Respect is a necessary component of a good parental love. Respect is a necessary component of a good parental love.

SSatisfying children’s emotional needsatisfying children’s emotional needs

• A healthy child A healthy child who haswho has its emotional needs, its emotional needs, especially the need of love, satisfied is:especially the need of love, satisfied is:

» calm, trusting and joyful,calm, trusting and joyful,» curious to learn about the world,curious to learn about the world,» willing to cooperate,willing to cooperate,» motivated to learn.motivated to learn.

• It can channel all its energy to its growth, and not It can channel all its energy to its growth, and not toto tacklingtackling the feeling of rejection and lack of love the feeling of rejection and lack of love – – a feeling it perceives as a threat to its life.a feeling it perceives as a threat to its life.

UnUnsatisfied emotional satisfied emotional needsneeds of a child of a child are manifested by:are manifested by:

Continuous anxiety, tension, uncertainty, fearContinuous anxiety, tension, uncertainty, fear

Lack of self confidenceLack of self confidence

Low level of emotional intelligenceLow level of emotional intelligence

Lack of empathy, narcissism, self-orientationLack of empathy, narcissism, self-orientation

Trouble with concentration and learningTrouble with concentration and learning

Psycho-somatic problemsPsycho-somatic problems

DepressionDepression

Improper behavior, addictionsImproper behavior, addictions

Anger, aggressionAnger, aggression

Why children do not feel loved?

• Parents declare that they love their children, but children often feel not loved. Why?

• Parents provide love „on their own conditions, in their own language” – by „servicing” the child, earning money to satisfy its needs and to buy presents.

Meanwhile,• Children need to have their emotional needs

satisfied in their own language, the language they understand, i.e. through parents’ behaviors targeted directly to them such as: playing and spending time together, talking, reading to them.

How to fill child’s „emotional tank” and make How to fill child’s „emotional tank” and make sure that it feels truly loved?sure that it feels truly loved?

• Unconditional love may be manifested to Unconditional love may be manifested to children by our behavior, in children by our behavior, in fourfour simple simple ways:ways:

» FFull of loveull of love eye contact eye contact» FFull of love ull of love pphysical contacthysical contact» Focusing our Focusing our full and positive full and positive attention on attention on aa child child» Upbringing and leadership full of loveUpbringing and leadership full of love

• Everyone can learn that!Everyone can learn that!

FFull of love ull of love eeye contactye contact

• Sight is a mighty tool for showing our feelings – Sight is a mighty tool for showing our feelings – bothboth positive and negative! positive and negative!

• Warm, friendly and tender looks should beWarm, friendly and tender looks should becomecome a a habit ofhabit of every every parent and a method for parent and a method for manifesting outmanifesting out continued love and acceptancecontinued love and acceptance..

• The looks given by parents should never serve as The looks given by parents should never serve as a tool for conveying negative feelings: anger, a tool for conveying negative feelings: anger, aversion,aversion, resentment, mocking or hostility. resentment, mocking or hostility.

FFull of love ull of love pphysical contacthysical contact

• Parents should provide their children (boys in Parents should provide their children (boys in particular) with a lot of physical contact that is full particular) with a lot of physical contact that is full of love – hugging, patting, „wrestling” while playing of love – hugging, patting, „wrestling” while playing – such behaviors should be always adapted to the– such behaviors should be always adapted to the circumstances, sex, age and sensibility of each circumstances, sex, age and sensibility of each child.child.

• Boys receive 3 times less compassionate physical Boys receive 3 times less compassionate physical contact than girlscontact than girls. A. According to dr. Rccording to dr. Rossoss Campbell Campbell this is the reason of many emotional disorders in this is the reason of many emotional disorders in boys.boys.

• Physical contact should satisfy the needs of Physical contact should satisfy the needs of aa child – and not of child – and not of anan adult! adult!

Focusing our exclusive Focusing our exclusive positive positive attention attention on and devoting our time to on and devoting our time to aa child child

• Good examples of spending time together: friendly and Good examples of spending time together: friendly and deep conversations, playing, reading, walking, doing deep conversations, playing, reading, walking, doing household chores, household chores, DIYDIY activities activities, excursions., excursions.

• Children whose need of exclusive attention has not been Children whose need of exclusive attention has not been satisfied will try to get that attention in different ways, satisfied will try to get that attention in different ways, including behaviors that are not accepted by adults. including behaviors that are not accepted by adults.

• When adults do not devote enough attention to When adults do not devote enough attention to aa child, it child, it quickly learns that father, mother or teacher pays attention quickly learns that father, mother or teacher pays attention only when they are loud or aggressive. The child concludes only when they are loud or aggressive. The child concludes that such a behavior is advantageous, as negative attention that such a behavior is advantageous, as negative attention is is for him or her for him or her better thanbetter than no attention at all – so this no attention at all – so this behavioral pattern will be repeated.behavioral pattern will be repeated.

Upbringing and leadership full of loveUpbringing and leadership full of love

• The feeling of being truly loved is a foundation of The feeling of being truly loved is a foundation of good upbringing and discipline. good upbringing and discipline.

• A loved child will be willing to make its parents A loved child will be willing to make its parents happy and will behave as they expect.happy and will behave as they expect.

• ParentsParents need to be the leaders and need to model need to be the leaders and need to model the rights behaviors of their children.the rights behaviors of their children.

• Upbringing Upbringing - - training child’s mind and heart so that training child’s mind and heart so that it becomes an independent, responsible and creative it becomes an independent, responsible and creative member of society.member of society.

Parental upbringing comprises the following: Parental upbringing comprises the following:

» Being the Being the mature mature leader in the familyleader in the family » Acting as a role model, showing good examplesActing as a role model, showing good examples» Providing the child with continuous love and respectProviding the child with continuous love and respect» Determining reasonable rules and behavioral boundaries Determining reasonable rules and behavioral boundaries » Teaching social norms and moral valuesTeaching social norms and moral values» ExplainingExplaining the world in the world in deep conversations and clarificationsdeep conversations and clarifications» Reading Reading aloud to a childaloud to a child» Practicing various skills, teaching through action and playingPracticing various skills, teaching through action and playing» Issuing orders and instructionsIssuing orders and instructions» Providing descriptive praise Providing descriptive praise » Penalties – deprivation of privileges or imposing natural Penalties – deprivation of privileges or imposing natural

consequencesconsequences

We should be always proactive – we should teach the child and We should be always proactive – we should teach the child and prevent its potential mistakes - instead of being reactive prevent its potential mistakes - instead of being reactive

and only react and only react to to his or her his or her errors and bad behaviors.errors and bad behaviors.

• Unconditional love of parents and upbringing that is full Unconditional love of parents and upbringing that is full of love are the basis of good relations within a family and of love are the basis of good relations within a family and

a foundation of mutual trust between children and a foundation of mutual trust between children and parents – parents – a value that is priceless when the children become a value that is priceless when the children become teenagers! teenagers!

• Without strong, healthy and love-based bonds with Without strong, healthy and love-based bonds with

parents,parents, a a child reacts to their words, orders and child reacts to their words, orders and teaching by rebelling and showing anger. Its teaching by rebelling and showing anger. Its subordination is based on fear, but the child will always subordination is based on fear, but the child will always spite whenever it can.spite whenever it can.

• Only children who feel Only children who feel truly truly loved and respected by their loved and respected by their parents are willing to accept parents’ rules and system parents are willing to accept parents’ rules and system of values without of values without the use of the use of force and control. force and control.

Recommended reading:

» Ross Campbell Ross Campbell – How to Really Love Your – How to Really Love Your Child /Child /YourYour Teenager Teenager

» Jean Liedloff Jean Liedloff – The Continuum Concept– The Continuum Concept

» Evelin KirkilionisEvelin Kirkilionis – Bond Gives Strength – Bond Gives Strength

» Irena Koźmińska, Elżbieta OlszewskaIrena Koźmińska, Elżbieta Olszewska – Z – Z dzieckiem dzieckiem w świat wartości (w świat wartości (Guiding a ChildGuiding a Child iinto nto tthe World he World of Values)of Values)

» Adele Faber and Elaine MazlishAdele Faber and Elaine Mazlish – How – How tto Talk o Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talkso Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk