Kristi Thrailkill, LCSW-C

Unlocking the Secret Language of Your

Teenager

A Bit About Me

• www.baltimorefamilytherapy.com

• kristi@baltimorefamilytherapy.com

Parent trainings focus on a much younger population of children,

And the FIRST TIME parent.

WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

Communicating POSITIVELY

Encouraging & Engaging

Managing Conflict

Becoming a Team

LEARN TO CONNECT WITH YOUR TEEN BY:

OBJECTIVES:

Who are the active players in your child’s life?

SCHOOL: Teachers, Nurse, Guidance Counselor, Administration

COMMUNITY: PCP, Psychotherapist, Psychiatrist

PARENTS MATTER!

YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS!

The Journal of the American Medical Association states:

“…parent connectedness is the

single healthiest force

in the lives of U.S. teenagers.”

PARENTING STYLES

*Authoritarian

*Authoritative (Positive)

*Permissive

*Uninvolved

12 Ways to Become a More Authoritative Parent:https://www.verywell.com/ways-to-become-a-more-authoritative-parent-4136329

1. Listen

2. Validate

3. Consider Your Child’s Feelings

4. Establish Clear Rules

5. Offer One Warning for Minor Issues

6. Use Consequences that Teach Life Lessons

7. Offer Incentives

8. Let Your Child Make Some Choices

9. Balance Freedom with Responsibility

10.Turn Mistakes Into Learning Opportunities

11.Encourage Self-Discipline

12. Maintain a Healthy Relationship With Your Child

RESEARCH SAYS:

Teens raised by Authoritative (POSITIVE) parents:

■ Do better in school

■ Have lower rates of depression and anxiety

■ Are less likely to engage in risky behavior

■ Have stronger social skills

■ Are more respectful of authority

“It’s not my place to control how you think or feel, but I am responsible for keeping you safe and expecting you to

behave appropriately.”

Any Examples of Positive Parenting You’d Like to

Share?

Rules are Rules!

Until they aren’t anymore…

• Firm Rules

◉ Is health or safety at risk?

◉ Be stubborn!

• Flexible Rules

◉ Are values not compromised?

◉ Is health or safety NOT at risk?

◉ Resist the urge to be stubborn!

◉ STOP SAYING, “Because I said so!”

YOUR PRESENCE MAY NOT BE

REQUESTED, BUT IT IS REQUIRED

Possible times to be PRESENT with your teen:

■ Before school, in the morning

■ Slow down, have breakfast together

■ When they arrive home from school

■ Dinner

■ NO TV

■ NO CELL PHONES

■ Bedtime

■ It’s okay to occasionally think outside of the box. Do something

different. Surprise your teen with YOURSELF.

Know All of the W’sBe involved:

■ Know WHO they hang out with

■ Know WHAT they’re doing

■ Know WHERE they are

■ Know WHEN they’ll be home

Approaches —-> Your teens view of you:

Nagging—-> Annoying

Hands-Off—-> Cold, Distant, but “Cool.”

Asking, Learning, Knowing —-> Caring, Concerned, Loving

■ Make this a norm—

■ SIMPLIFY. EXPLAIN. UNDERSTAND.

GET TO KNOW THEIR FRIENDS & THEIR FRIEND’S FAMILIES

When Life Gives Your Teen a Lemon…

PLAN AHEAD!

■ Give your teens permission to use you as an excuse

when they’re in over their head.

■ Have a plan for how teens can bail out of unsafe

situations, talk about this with your teen NOW!

Have a Family Code Phrase, like “Lemonade”

– it means –

“Get me out of this situation NOW!”

No questions asked!

Become an ally, and make “LEMONADE”

How do you show your child that you are allies?

The 5 Love Languages

SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE. ASK THEM

TO SPEAK YOURS!

www.5lovelanguages.com

Tips for Conflict:■ Avoid “power struggles.”

■ Focus on the important issues of health and safety.

■ Model the language and tone of voice you expect from your teen.

■ Stay calm and remember you are in charge - you are the adult

■ Avoid conflicts when you are rushing or super busy

■ Be realistic about how your teen behaves.

■ They are NOT adults.

■ Find a common ground, and say YES sometimes.

■ LAUGH.

When your children were younger, did you properly predict

who your teen would become? How has your prediction been right?

How has it been wrong?

“What if my teen won’t talk to me?”

Becoming more private and keeping thoughts and feelings to themselves is

common in adolescence, especially for boys.

■Find regular times to be together -just you and your teen

■Don’t interrupt - Listen.

■Be available by stating, “You can always talk to me when you’re ready.”

BE THERE WHEN THEY ARE READY TO TALK!!

No “In a minute,” or “Can we talk later?” It may seem extreme, but drop

EVERYTHING when they are opening that door. Talk to them THEN. Don’t miss

an opportunity to connect. Those moments are fleeting.

Finding a Therapist

■ Who’s the best for your teen and family?

■ RESEARCH!

■ www.psychologytoday.com

■ Interview!

■ Specialties

■ Modes of Practice

■ Psychoanayltic, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, etc?

■ How is confidentiality regulated with parents?

■ What will a typical session look like?

■ Any other questions that are catered to your specific needs.

■ A picture is worth $1,000 words

■ Insurance vs Self-Pay

REFERENCES

⦿ Harrison, S, MA(2015, March). Partnering with Parents and DBR. Retrieved from http://www.slideshare.net/tlassiter80/files-pptpartnering-with-parents-and-dbr.

⦿ Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

⦿ American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP). Retrieved from http://www.aacap.org.

⦿ Coyne, M. Thriving With Your Teen. Retrieved from http://www.ourkidsnetwork.ca.