Post on 16-Jan-2016
Tools for Building Sustainable, Healthy Relationships
“I” – Who am I? What do I need? What can I ask for? How am I responsible? How should I respond? What are my patterns?
“We” - How do we stay connected? How do we challenge one another? How do we disagree?
“Larger Vision” – How do we reconcile our differences to serve a larger vision?
Speaking◦ We will speak for ourselves and not for others
the “Truth”◦ We will speak only of our own experience◦ We will try to speak as factually as possible
in Love◦ We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to
understand
“I” statements Speak for yourself not for others Avoid judgments and conclusions about
others Speak from your own experience Tell your own truth
◦ Good triangles: distribute anxiety; natural phenomena
◦ Bad triangles: try to make someone else responsible who cannot fix it “secrets” Patterns of “stuckness” Not about the person but the system
◦ Awareness of self Patterns of communication What is “mine” and what is “theirs” “Connected” as opposed to “merged” Only one I can change is myself
Avoidance - deciding not to engage in conflict
Compromise - trying to find a middle position where all parties give a little to gain
Collaboration - trying to find a solution where the needs of all parties are completely met
Competition - conflict is seen as a win-lose situation and the will to win dominates
Accommodation - appeasing the other side
“Climbing the Ladder”
A Conclusion
An Assumption
A Speculation
A Hunch
Observable Facts
Interests are the needs, desires, concerns and fears behind our positions
A position is a decision you have made, an interest is what motivates or causes your decision
Interests allow for connection; Positions polarize
Listen to understand, not to think about what you should say next
Listening to understand does not demand agreement
Concentrate on the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not your own.
Listen 200%: focus attention to the words behind the words
Be attentive to unconscious discounting behaviors
Validate the feelings you have heard (again, not the same as agreement)
Clarify your understanding Walk them “down the ladder” Restate what you have heard (including
feelings) Do not judge or evaluate (yet!)
Respond to others creatively rather than critically◦ Seek to affirm the merit before noting the
weakness◦ Share positive reactions before jumping to
concerns, questions, or criticisms◦ Ask clarifying questions
Have your emotions, don’t be had by them◦ Try to understand why you are reacting the way
you are◦ Take responsibility for your own emotions◦ Express your feelings as your own, and request a
concrete action
An anxious, “emotional” response is:◦ Instinctive◦ Habitual ◦ Defensive or ◦ Without premeditation (automatic)
This does not include your feelings of love, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, etc.
Lowering Anxiety◦Monitor your own functioning / emotions◦Create opportunities to listen◦Create time and space ◦Give clear choices
The Curle DiagramRelations
Static Unstable Dynamic
Unpeaceful Stable
Balanced
Un-Balanced
POWER
SustainablePeace
Cut-offs
Negotiation
ConfrontationLatent Conflict
Overt Conflict
Awareness of Conflict
Low High
What Doesn’t Work◦ “Confidential” surveys or questionnaires◦ Large public “congregational” meetings◦ A “hearing”
Dialogue not Debate Facilitated by trained facilitators Designed to surface issues Solutions must come after Builds community
Begin with Covenant Confidentiality Transparency of raised issues No “cross-talk” No interruptions Questions that are evocative, not predictive Responses are paraphrased
Generates energy and motivation to explore Stimulates reflective thinking Challenges or alters assumptions Evokes more questions
From “The Art of Powerful Questions” by Eric E. Vogt et al
What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”
What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”
Compared to:How might our worship provide opportunities
for community building connections.
What is in the best interest of the congregation and its mission?
What do I want? How is that different from what I really
need?