Post on 04-Jun-2020
1
The Next Time You Look Someone In The Eye You Will Communicate How
Successful And Desirable You Are!
All Contents Copyright 2014 – COTUM.COM
2
Table of Contents
3. What is eye contact?
10. Eye contact tips for men
17. Eye contact tips for women
20. Levels of eye contact (Mark Manson)
3
What is eye contact?
Eye contact occurs when "two people look at each other's
eyes at the same time."
Eye contact is a form of nonverbal communication and is
thought to have a large influence on social behavior. Coined
in the early to mid‐1960s, the term has come in the West to
often define the act as a meaningful and important sign of
confidence and social communication. The study of eye
contact is sometimes known as oculesics.
Eye contact and facial expressions provide important social
and emotional information. People, perhaps without
consciously doing so, probe each other's eyes and faces for
positive or negative mood signs. In some contexts, the
meeting of eyes arouses strong emotions.
Eye contact is also an important element in flirting, where it
may serve to establish and gauge the other's interest in some
situations.
Mutual eye contact that signals attraction initially begins as a
brief glance and progresses into a repeated volleying of eye
contact.
4
In the process of civil inattention, strangers in close proximity,
such as a crowd, avoid eye contact in order to help maintain
their privacy.
Numerous studies have shown that people who make higher‐
levels of eye contact with others are perceived as being:
More dominant and powerful
More warm and personable
More attractive and likeable
More qualified, skilled, competent, and valuable
More trustworthy, honest, and sincere
More confident and emotionally stable
Women are known to maintain eye contact better than men.
Some studies have shown women lose interest quickly in men
who can’t maintain eye contact.
Why does making eye contact with people have such a
dramatic effect in improving their perception of you? There
are four main reasons:
1. Our eyes were made to connect. It’s easy to see why the
eyes of others capture our gaze: they’re free‐moving orbs
lodged in an otherwise stationary face; eyeballs are really kind
of weird when you think about them, aren’t they? But they
5
also grab our attention for a reason that is distinctly human.
While our irises and pupils float on a bright white canvas,
none of the other 220 species of primates have white in their
eyes at all, or at least whites that can readily be seen.
Image source
The whites of our eyes make it very easy for others to see
exactly what we’re looking at and notice when our focus
changes direction. While primates will typically turn their gaze
in the direction a person points his whole head towards, a
human infant is more likely to follow the person’s eyes,
regardless of which way the person’s head is tilted.
Anthropologists think our uniquely human eyes evolved to
help us achieve a greater level of cooperation with others,
which is helpful in survival and building a civilization. All of
which is to say: your eyes were made to communicate with
the eyes of other people.
2. Our eyes reveal our thoughts and feelings. You’ve probably
heard the old expression: “The eyes are the window to the
soul.” While that may not be literally true, they do reveal a
great deal about what we’re really thinking and feeling from
moment to moment.
6
Think of all the eye‐related expressions we have in our
language. We’re seduced by “bedroom eyes,” wary of “shifty
eyes,” and afraid of getting the “evil eye.” We’re attracted to
people who have “kind eyes” and eyes that “sparkle,” “glow,”
or “twinkle,” while we’re repelled by those who are “dead
behind the eyes.” When someone is eager and peppy we say
they’re “bright‐eyed;” when they’re bored we describe their
eyes as “glazed over.” Love stories in both fiction and real life
very often begin with two pairs of eyes meeting across a
room. And Bryan Adams says you can gauge your love for a
woman from your ability to see your unborn children in her
eyes! Kind of romantic, kind of creepy.
That we give so much credence to the idea that we can read
someone from what’s in their eyes is due to the fact that even
when we hide what we’re really thinking and feeling in our
body language and facial expressions, it’s often still revealed
in our eyes. “The eyes don’t lie” as people say (although good
liars can, in reality, get their eyes to fib for them). This is why
poker players often wear sunglasses in order to disguise their
reactions to the hands they’re dealt.
The human propensity to look to someone’s eyes in order to
decipher what they’re thinking starts very early in life. Around
9‐18 months, infants will begin to look to their parents’ eyes
to figure out what they’re trying to convey when their face is
7
otherwise ambiguous. And we continue to do this for the rest
of our lives.
Finally, we lend a lot of weight to eye contact in our
interactions because it’s a form of simultaneous
communication. You don’t have to take turns expressing
yourselves as you do with talking. If you’ve ever had a whole
mini conversation across the room with your spouse, using
only your eyes, you know how this works.
3. Eye contact shows attention. Sociologists tell us that people
are starved for attention these days. Despite the fact that
we’re more “connected” than ever, folks are hungry for face‐
to‐face interactions and someone to really, sincerely listen to
them. This hunger for attention can manifest itself in things
like “conversational narcissism.” And if you read our
discussion about that social malady from awhile back, you’ll
remember that we talked about how you show your attention
to someone with whom you are talking by using “support‐
responses,” such as nodding your head and offering
“background acknowledgments” like “mmm’s” and “yeah’s.”
Well, eye contact is another form of background
acknowledgement—and a very important one at that. It
shows the speaker that you’re tuned in to what he’s saying.
Think of how crappy you feel when you’re talking with
8
someone and he’s looking all around the room for someone
else to ditch you for.
The ability to give eye contact to someone as they speak is an
especially powerful tool these days; it has become so
common for people to break their gaze to check their phone
during a conversation that giving someone your complete and
undivided attention can truly win them over.
4. Eye contact creates an intimate bond. When I am
performing a task or feeling an emotion, and you are
observing me do so, the same neurons that are being lit up in
my brain by actually having the experience, are the ones that
light up in your brain just from watching me. This is made
possible by the presence of “mirror neurons” in our craniums.
And the activation of these mirror neurons is especially
sensitive to facial expressions, and, you guessed it, eye
contact. Have you ever been hit hard with an emotion after
looking into the eyes of someone who was experiencing it?
Eye contact creates moments where you are able to really feel
what someone else is feeling. It links together your emotional
states and creates empathy and an intimate bond.
This is why when we’re interacting as disembodied selves on
the internet, it can be very easy to be angry and hateful to
people, but when you see someone face‐to‐face, and look
9
into their eyes, you often can get a sense of their humanity
and your anger greatly dissipates.
Getting in‐sync with others, sharing our feelings, showing
attention, creating a bond: eye contact is truly a powerful tool
for connecting with others.
Now let’s learn how to interpret – and project – eye contact.
10
Eye contact tips for men
The first step is to recognize the sort of eye contact you’re
receiving and what it means.
Here are some ways to figure out a woman’s intentions just
by looking into her eyes.
First, be within 15 or 20 feet of a girl you'd like to talk to. Put
on a pleasant, open appearance and look into their eyes.
When she does look back you have one rule: DO NOT LOOK
AWAY FIRST. I cannot stress this enough. And when you do
look away, do so to the side, very slowly.
One of the following six things will happen.
1. She'll look down after a second. If she does this, it's a
subliminal sign that she is excited by you or intimidated by
you. It could also be a sign that she feels she's below you.
Basically, you should talk with her immediately. Like, within 5
seconds. It will show her that you are as confident as she
thought.
2. She'll look sideways after a second. If she does this it likely
means you aren't that interesting to her. It could also be a sign
11
that she sees you as an equal, or not a viable partner. If I get
this signal I usually move on. Later I'll see if she sends any
other signals.
3. She'll look UP after a second. Rarely will this happen, but if
it does it means this really isn't worth your time. She feels she
is well above you and you do run the risk of your fear being
realized. This doesn't mean that she IS above you, just how
she's feeling about it. Let her think what she thinks and move
on to someone worth your time.
4. She'll SMILE and look away in any direction. Talk to her
now! Forget the direction, although if she smiles and looks
down you're pretty much golden. I can't stress this enough, if
a girl smiles, give yourself an emotional pat on the back and
go talk to her. She's waiting for you.
5. She'll quickly get distracted. This is a lost opportunity. You
won't get any real signals from this, just move on and come
back if you want to later.
6. She won't look away. Your first instinct will be to look away
after a second or two. DO NOT DO IT! Eye contact is one of
our most primitive forms of showing status and confidence. If
she's holding your gaze there is a reason. If you look away
you'll have blown it. It will feel like an eternity but remember,
12
this tension and awkwardness easily translates into
excitement. Hold the gaze, approach, and speak. At the very
least she'll be interested in why you had such confidence to
never break eye contact.
How to Project Your Eye Contact:
“Focus On Her Pupil
There’s a big difference between holding socially acceptable
eye contact and holding eye contact that creates sexual
tension.
Sexual tension comes from looking directly into a woman’s
pupil. Don't look at the colored part of her eye. Don't allow
your eyes lose focus. Don't half ass it and look in the general
direction of her eyes. And do not bounce back and forth from
one of her eyes to the other.
You need to remain centered on one of her pupils at all times.
Decide on an eye that you will always look at and stay there.
Regardless of the girl, always focus my eye contact on her
right pupil.
Do Not Look Away. Risk Being Creepy
13
You're going to feel like you are being a creep. It will feel like
you are in a staring contest with her. Or that you are one of
the typical guys who just stares at women but never says
anything. That’s good, that’s what it should feel like at first. In
your head it might feel too intense. But to her it feels sexy and
confident. You'll get used to it and even start to embrace the
tension.
It’s Best To Just Use Eye Contact With No Facial Expression
Eye contact is most effective when it’s used without much
facial expression. The point is to create sexual tension. But
most facial expressions break that tension. If you're holding
relatively intense eye contact with her but you're smiling, it’s
incongruent. Less is more here. Just hold eye contact with a
dead pan poker face.
You’re Focusing Your Attention / Energy On Her Pupil But It’s
Not A Death Stare
You should be focusing on her pupil but you're not trying to
shoot laser beams through her head.
14
Your eyes should feel relaxed but purposeful. You are
concentrating your attention on her pupil. Practice on a dog
or a baby. Hold your eye contact on the dog or baby's pupil. If
they start freaking out, you're being too intense. If they warm
up to you, you got it perfect.
Keep Your Focus On Her Eyes Even If She's Not Looking At
You
This is gold. I can’t explain the wonders it will do for spiking
her attraction, you have to try it for yourself.
After you've established good eye contact and rapport with
her there will inevitably be some point where someone
interrupts your conversation. She will change her attention to
that person but you should continue holding eye contact on
her eyes. Even if she's not looking at you. You only have to do
this for a couple seconds, maybe a 3 or 4 count and then
change your attention to whoever is speaking. But during that
time, she will feel your eyes and attention on her, and I would
put money on her becoming instantly aroused.
Use Breaks In Eye Contact Effectively
Obviously, you can’t just stare in a girl’s eyes all night. The
effect would be lost. But that doesn't mean you should
15
randomly break eye contact. When she's in the middle of
telling you a story just look down and away. Or even look up
and watch TV. Just hold your eyes in one location for a bit
while she continues to talk to you. Almost like your pondering
something. Maybe you're thinking about talking her home,
maybe you're bored with her, maybe you're thinking about
another girl. She's not sure, but she’ll miss the feeling of your
eyes looking into hers.
The Primate Look
This look is very simple to pull off. It can be dangerous at
times because if you’re a man and use it, other men may
respond badly. At the same time it’s effective and women
sometimes go crazy over it.
Just pull your chin in a bit, then move your eyes upward. Look
straight ahead unless you see a woman making eye contact
with you out of the corner of your eye.
The Convict Stare
Charles Manson has been described as using this frequently.
Instead of looking into someone’s eyes, look at the part of the
face BETWEEN the eyes.
16
Only use this when you are trying to establish dominance over
someone.
17
Eye contact tips for women
Casually stare now and then. See someone you like? Casually
stare at the person now and then. Soon enough, the one you
like will notice you back.
Exchange a fleeting glimpse. Don’t be hasty or you’ll end up
looking like an annoying stalker. When the person you like
catches you staring and stares back at you with curiosity, lock
eyes for a second and look away immediately.
Repeat the glances. Look at the person you like again. Stare
at him or her, but look away immediately as soon they look
back at you. Don’t linger and stare back for more than a
second just yet. [Read: First glances and love at first sight]
Let them know what’s on your mind. At first, the person you
like may assume it’s a passing glance. But as they catch you
sneaking a few glances now and then, they’d understand that
you’re interested in them. Don’t stare for more than a second
because you’ll kill the excitement. Instead, build the
excitement.
Build the excitement. Now that you’ve got the one you like
looking back at you now and then to see if you’re still staring,
18
it’s time to build the excitement. Stop staring for a couple of
minutes. Wait for them to stare at you now and then.
The person you like will wonder why you aren’t staring
anymore and may start to stare at you more often, to check if
you’re still staring. By doing this, you’re actually making the
one you like as interested as you are in building the staring
game.
Reverse the eye contact flirting. Notice the one you like from
the corner of your eye. Don’t stare directly, but keep an eye
on the person you like. Wait for that person to look at you.
And just as the one you like looks at you, stare back at that
person. By doing that, you’re now discreetly making it appear
like they’re the one interested in looking at you, and not the
other way around.
Stare for a longer duration. You’ve been exchanging fleeting
glances until now, but now that you’ve got the one you like
excitedly waiting for you to stare back, lock eyes for more
than a second before looking away. [Read: 10 tips to look sexy
without trying]
Smile and blush. Talk to your friends or appear busy, and
stare for a second or two. And each time, look away smiling
19
or blushing in an obvious manner. Don’t smile while staring
just yet. Always smile only while looking away.
Watch their response. Is this person looking at you as often
as you’re looking at them? If they are, it’s working and you’re
on your way to a fun evening. If the one you like isn’t
reciprocating your glances no matter what you do, they’re not
interested, so give up and move on. You can’t win all your eye
contact flirting games.
Smile while staring. Now that you’re certain that the one you
like is equally interested in staring at you and exchanging
stolen glances, it’s time to take the plunge. During one of your
longer glances, look straight into their eyes and stretch a little
smile. There’s no turning back here. If the person smiles back,
you’ve struck jackpot. If the one you’re staring at looks
shocked or looks away hastily, they just need a little more
time to warm up.
20
The Levels of Eye Contact By Mark Manson
Eye contact is important, especially in dating and gauging
people’s attraction to you. Everyone should have a basic
understanding of what each person is eye‐coding them in any
given situation, and it doesn’t take a cryptographer to figure
it out. Or if it does, then fuck it, I’m that cryptographer. Here
is an entirely overly‐analytical, and only‐kinda‐joking guide to
the levels of eye contact and what they mean:
Level (‐1): No Contact (Intentional) ‐ Beyond the lowest level
of eye contact, this is when someone is not only not making
eye contact with you, but they‐re consciously making an
effort to NOT look at you. In the heights of sexual intimacy,
Level (‐1) is subterranean. It’s a person’s way of saying, “Get
away from me, creep,” without, you know, actually saying it.
This eye contact (or lack thereof) is typically reserved for the
horny mouth‐breathers who stare at a girl’s tits, obnoxious
drunk guys in full‐on bro‐mode, the crazed ex‐girlfriend
stalker, or any other potential rapist in one’s vicinity. Level (‐
1) eye contact can also occur within a conversation. So just
because he or she is responding to you verbally doesn’t mean
you’re out of the gates yet. Put simply, if someone is
intentionally making an effort to NOT look at you, they’re not
21
interested. It’s the anti‐intimacy. The non‐verbal cue for “Give
it up…”
That or you have some mustard on your face.
Level 0: No Contact (Unintentional) ‐ An unintentional
absence of eye contact signals a lack of knowledge you exist.
It means nothing other than they haven’t noticed you. Either
they’re busy and focusing on something else, or you’re about
as intriguing to look at as grandma’s new wallpaper.
Level 1: Glance (Unconscious) ‐ An unconscious glance is that
moment when someone looks up at you and then
immediately looks away, although they’re not aware of what
they’re looking at. It’s basically when their eyes are wandering
around and coincidentally meet yours for a moment and then
continue wandering. The key here is that he or she not aware
of them meeting and therefore nothing is registering to them
as particularly interesting or enticing in that moment. Just like
Level 0, this level of eye contact is neutral and there’s not
much to take away from it. Most people aren’t paying
attention to what they’re looking at most of the time.
Level 2: Glance (Conscious) – The second level of eye contact
is the first type of eye contact where you’ve possibly made a
positive impression on a person. This is when your eyes and
22
theirs happen to meet and then they look away immediately,
except they look away consciously, whether it be shyness,
awkwardness, or disinterest. Body language studies claim
that a person who breaks eye contact with you by looking
down is intimidated (i.e., attracted) and a person who breaks
eye contact by looking to the side is indifferent (i.e., not
attracted). I have no idea if this is true or not. But if someone
breaks eye contact with me quickly and intentionally, it’s
usually a polarized response: she’s either attracted and is
momentarily made self‐conscious by my presence, or she is
uninterested and is avoiding making contact. Most people are
not comfortable holding eye contact with strangers, what
would signal the interest here is that their eyes were drawn
to you in the first place. So it’s not the breaking it so much
that is important, what’s important is that they consciously
looked at you.
Differentiating between Level 2 eye contact and Level 1 eye
contact is subtle and hard to do consistently with any sort of
accuracy. Although you do pick up some acuity over time. It’s
impossible to ever be 100% certain what her intentions or
reasoning are, so I assume every woman who makes eye
contact with me is attracted until proven otherwise.
A good exercise for someone who is new or shy is to practice
never breaking eye contact with people before they break it
23
with you. Walk around all day and make eye contact with
people you find interesting or attractive. You’ll feel
uncomfortable making eye contact with strangers, but that’s
the idea. Keep doing it until it feels natural. It will help your
confidence.
Level 3: Glance and a Half ‐ Level 3 is the first level where
interest is conveyed, ever so slightly. Like the other lower
levels of eye contact, the glance and a half is subtle and
difficult to notice without a lot of practice. It’s when someone
looks at you and breaks eye contact as they normally do, but
they hold the eye contact for a split second longer than is
normal. I’m talking maybe 1/4 of a second longer. Whereas
Level 2 eye contact may last half a second, Level 3 will last 3/4
of a second. It’s subtle, it’s short, and it’s unconscious.
Humans are wired to spend more time looking at things they
find attractive on an unconscious level. So in their mind,
they’re still breaking eye contact with you, but in practice,
they’re actually looking at you 50% longer than they would
normally.
It took me a while to start picking up on Level 3 eye contact.
Level 3 happens most often when they are consciously
focused on something else, such as on their cell phone or
talking to somebody they’re with. They don’t realize that
they’re looking at you as long as they are. Any eye contact
24
from Level 3 and above from a woman will get me to strongly
consider approaching them.
Level 4: Double Glance – Here’s a good habit to get yourself
into once you’re able to maintain eye contact with people
walking around. Any time you make eye contact with
someone attractive and they look away, keep looking at them
for another few seconds. A percentage of them will look at
you a second time. In my experience, this is a clear sign of
physical interest. This from a woman almost guarantees an
approach from me, and 95+% of these approaches are
received warmly.
What’s funny is that even on Level 4 eye contact, most people
are not conscious that they’re doing it. I’ve approached
women who have looked at me twice in a row and I
mentioned that I saw them look at me, and they seriously
didn’t remember looking at me. I’ve even said, “We did an eye
contact thing. We made eye contact like three times in a row,
you didn’t notice?” And they didn’t… or they were lying
scumbags. Either way, just goes to show how most people are
off in their own little world not thinking about any of this stuff.
Regardless, the unconscious mind is always seeking out things
it finds interesting or intriguing, so if their eyes keep falling on
you, it’s a sign.
25
Level 5: The Gaze – The gaze is the last level that can occur
unconsciously although it’s usually conscious. This is when
someone looks at you and just keeps looking at you past the
normal “look away” moment. This is a solid 2‐3 seconds of eye
contact without them breaking it. When undesired, this
becomes the infamous “creep stare.” But in the cases of
desirable people looking at you, this is why it’s so important
to get in the habit of being able to hold eye contact, because
otherwise you’ll miss out on all of the people giving you Level
3‐5 eye contact. The gaze is a clear and large sign of interest.
You’d be pretty dumb to pass up this signal.
Level 6: The Smile – The sixth level of eye contact is The Gaze
plus a smile. If the gaze is a clear sign telling you that they’re
interested, throwing a smile on top of it may as well be a neon
flashing billboard. If an attractive girl gives you Level 6 and you
don’t approach her, not only are you an idiot, but you’re
probably afraid of women and have some serious anxiety
going on. Approaching a person gazing and smiling at you
should be automatic.
Level 7: The Eye Fuck – This is someone who makes eye
contact, holds it, smiles, and then never stops. They just keep
staring and smiling, and staring and smiling, sometimes for
minutes at a time. Eye fucking is the first level of eye contact
that makes the leap from “interested/curious” to “they want
26
to have sex with me.” Eye fucking doesn’t withhold any
intentions. It’s about as much interest as one can possibly
display through eye contact alone. If you get eye fucked by an
attractive person and don’t act on it, you’re probably blind or
mid‐seizure. I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation.
When undesired, the eye fuck is exceedingly creep. If you’re
a man and you regularly eye fuck women who do not
reciprocate or smile back, then you likely have pepper spray
in your near future.
Eye fuckers will often end up approaching you if you don’t
approach. Although many of them will give up if you don’t
approach for a few minutes and assume you’re not
interested. If you’re a man and a woman is eye fucking you,
the hint should be clear: she wants you to talk to her.
Level 8: Dreamboat – The dreamboat happens when
someone has fallen for you. This is when you wake up in the
morning to her staring at you with that dreamy smile like she’s
drunk or stayed up all night sniffing glue. It’s the way two
people look at each other when cuddling and making cutesy
noises while rubbing their noses together. The dreamboat
almost never happens before you’ve had sex with someone,
and if it does, they’re either Amish or it’s a giant red flag.
Usually it starts happening after a month or two into a new
27
relationship, although it can happen in as little as a couple
nights together (or in rare circumstances, one).
Assuming the feeling is mutual, the Dreamboat is amazing. It’s
the most validating eye contact a woman can give you.
Centuries of literature and million‐dollar films have thrived off
of what the Dreamboat stare signifies. It’s what we humans
are obsessed with on some level. And whether we like to
admit it or not, it’s what most of us are after in the long‐run.
So when you find it, enjoy it.
But… if the feeling is not mutual, if the Dreamboat is a one‐
way street, it’s not always such a pleasant experience.
Unrequited love is no fun for anybody. Nobody likes to break
a heart and make those eyes cry. Just be honest and upfront,
break things off with respect and dignity, and hope that her
eyes don’t morph into…
Level 9: The Crazies – The 10th and final level of eye contact
cannot be explained as much as experienced. When you
experience The Crazies, a person doesn’t even have to be
present to see them. They haunt you. They’re everywhere and
nowhere. It’s the guy who wakes you up by banging on your
window at 3AM crying that you never called him back. Or the
girl who faked being pregnant because she thought it’d get
you to get back together with her. Or the guy who carved your
28
name into his arm as a birthday present. They’re the eyes that
look at you in earnest when they says they want to quit their
job and move to Tahiti so that you two can be together
perfectly alone forever. The Crazies signify delusion, hopeless
emotion, and the complete loss of a grip on reality. The
Crazies often come with a restraining order.
People who have seen The Crazies and lived to tell about it,
do so with a level of humility and despondence. Most have
dealt with their share of irrational and dramatic relationships.
Some have perhaps witnessed The Crazies for fleeting
moments — an enraged girlfriend who ran around at him with
a baseball bat, the guy who left her 43 angry voicemails in one
night — and these people pass these stories of insanity
around almost as a badge of honor. But those who have seen
the depths, looked into the eyes and seen the true amorous
insanity behind them, like any true veteran they prefer to
keep the pain and horror stowed away in their hearts, not to
see the light of day. They say all is fair in love and war, and in
certain places and at certain times, the two don’t feel so
differently. And like any war story, living it and telling it do
neither justice.