Post on 21-Apr-2017
Broadcast journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman are the authors of the bestselling Womenomics and, most recently, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of
Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know. When researching confidence, they explored neuroscience, psychology, cognition and genetics and interviewed
successful women in every field from politics to sports.
MEET KATTY KAY & CLAIRE SHIPMAN!
Katty Kay and Claire Shipman
answered questions about confidence from members of
Connect: Professional Women’s Network. Here’s some of their
most popular advice.
Is everyone scared, and some people just fake it better than others? Yes. We’ve found that a surprising number of women feel like imposters, and men tell us they often lack confidence, too. While men use that as a motivation for action, women tend to hesitate—and often opt out. But we can change that. Remember that it’s NORMAL to be afraid, and then move on to action.
How do you regain your confidence when you’ve taken a risk and it hasn’t worked out? The first thing you need to do is use some self-compassion. Then recognize that taking risks—and failing—is part of success. Start, as quickly as possible, to see what you can learn from it—it’s important to move your mind in the direction of “next time” as quickly as possible. Finally, congratulate yourself for being a risk-taker.
QUICK���CONFIDENCE BOOSTER!
Identify a small risk—something you can accomplish in 15 minutes. Set
your timer and do it. Notice how you feel, and how you’re now ready to
take on something else.
Does the “fake it till you make it” approach work? For women, we don’t suggest “faking it” only because we feel like imposters. It’s almost more useful to adopt the Nike slogan “Just Do It.” Realize it’s OK to be nervous, and then make action the antidote. Action is what will ultimately create more confidence.
Any tips for how to be more confident when it comes to public speaking? Shift from “me” to “we.” Literally change the “I’s” and “me’s” in your address to “we” or “the mission of the team.” Women draw a lot of power from speaking for a group, but we are less comfortable promoting ourselves.
How can I feel more confident asking for a raise? First, know the
market rate. Have an ongoing dialogue
with your supervisors to make them aware of your accomplishments,
and make the money conversation as
matter-of-fact as possible: “Here’s the
value I bring to the company and its
bottom line, and here’s what I think I deserve.”
QUICK���CONFIDENCE BOOSTER!
Be honest about your talents—write them down, celebrate them.
Interestingly, when you do that, recognizing your weaknesses is no
longer a confidence crusher.
What advice do you have for raising confident daughters? Ban perfectionism! Encouraging girls to be “good” all the time plants the seed of always trying to be perfect later in life. Girls internalize the lesson that they always need to get everything right to reach the top of the class, but this ends up smothering achievement.
RAISE CONFIDENT DAUGHTERS!
• Praise daughters moderately, not excessively. Saying “Well done for working so hard on this” is much better than “You are the best student ever.”
• Help your daughter feel satisfied when she’s done her best, regardless of whether she’s done better or worse than others.
• Show your daughter you aren’t perfect either. When you make a mistake, don’t hide it. Then show her the world didn’t end just because you messed up.
I’m just starting my career. How can I feel confident when everyone else knows so much more? First, recognize your skills. Be honest about your accomplishments (most women undervalue them), and then you can see that you are valuable. Second, stop worrying and analyzing! Women ruminate, and it undermines our confidence. Go outside your comfort zone and keep pushing through the hurdles, rejections and learning hiccups.
I’m returning to work after taking time off. Any advice for bolstering my confidence after an absence? The more matter-of-fact you are about why you took time off, the better. But you don’t need to dwell. Keep the focus on what you have done and what you can do. NOBODY is as focused on your perceived lack of qualifications as you are.
QUICK���CONFIDENCE BOOSTER!
Take a half hour while you’re working and become aware of your internal
dialogue. Be on alert for any obsessive or catastrophic thinking. Practice halting the negative ideas
with an alternative positive scenario. Notice how the intervention
stops the cycle.
I had lots of confidence when I was younger, but it seems to decrease as I get older. How can I build it back? Early in your career, you probably had to do things quite frequently that stretched or pushed you a bit. It’s important that we keep stretching and pushing ourselves and not remain in our comfort zones—even when it’s so much cozier and safer to keep doing what we do very well.
I sometimes get negative reactions to my confidence. How do you recommend handling these? We find that balancing confidence with a good bit of warmth is a big help. It’s definitely not a good idea to apologize for your expertise—just focus on being authentic.
KILL THE NATS (NEGATIVE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS)
Every time you think a negative thought, remind yourself of three good
things you did. This puts the minor failure in perspective. It reminds you
that while you may have had one setback, you’ve also had triumphs. If
you keep doing this and make it a part of your mental routine, you will train
your brain to think differently.
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For more great insights on confidence, check out Katty Kay and Claire Shipman’s discussion in Connect.
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