Amanda Nickerson, Ph.D. Director of Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse Prevention

Associate Professor of Counseling, School and Educational Psychologyogynickersa@buffalo.edugse.buffalo.edu/alberticenter

* This presentation has been posted as a resource and tool for educators and the general

public. Feel free to share and download the presentation provided that appropriate credit is given to the Alberti Center for Bullying Abuse Prevention.

The Challenge of Bullying: Tips for Parents

The Social World of Youth

Peer Relationships: Infancy through Adolescence

How Parents Can Help

Bullying

What it is and What it is Not

Warning Signs

Tips for Preventing Bullying and Cyberbullying

What to do if your Child is Bullying, Being Bullied, or is Bystander

Overview

The Social World of Youth

The Social World

Youth learn how to navigate the social world through relationships

Parent-child

Teacher-student

Sibling

Peers (classmates, friends, cliques, crowds, romantic partners)

These relationships can provide positive support (intimacy, opportunities to learn social-emotional skills)

but can also contribute to problems and negativity

Peer Relationships: Infancy through Preschool

Infancy (first year) Short, reciprocal interaction

Older infancy and toddlerhood Focus on objects, imitation

Development of language, play, and early friendship

Preschool More time with peers in spontaneous and pretend play

Conflict (struggle over objects, protection of interactive space)

Can lead children to resist letting others play

Boys – larger groups, competition, hero/rescue, rough and tumble

Girls – smaller groups, conversation, cooperation

Normative aggression (temper tantrums, fighting over toys)

How Parents can Help in Infancy and Preschool

Provide warmth, love, respond to basic needs

Be proactive in anticipating problems

Provide consistent, structured routine for sleep, eating, playing

Set firm limits on behavior; balance with warmth and support

Limit or do not allow television

Peer Relationships: Elementary School-Age (Middle to Late Childhood)

Size, shape, and variability of peer interactions widen

Contributes to hierarchies of power and popularity

May hold negative views about people in “other” categories

Play is more organized (sports, board games, tag)

Aggressive behavior decreases substantially with language development and self-regulation skills

Moves from more physical to indirect/relational (harming others through exclusion)

How Parents can Help in Middle and Later Childhood

Talk with child every day about school, friends, interests

Closely monitor school and social adjustment; supervise activities

Support involvement in interests (scouts, sports, arts, music, other)

Get to know friends and their parents

Offer guidance in negotiating peer conflict & hurt feelings

Listen

Empathize with feelings (“You are sad about being left out”)

Set expectations and help teach problem-solving

Peer Relationships: Preadolescence

Number of close friends decreases

Loyalty, trust, and self-disclosure become more important

Cliques (~3-10 members) emerge

Helps with identity development

Group leaders have power to include or exclude

Intergroup biases

Concern about social position and acceptance

Concerns with physical appearance

Jealousy, enemies, guarding against rejection

Bullying increases

How Parents Can Help in Preadolescence

Read, watch, and talk about it

Share your experiences

Find books and other media

Help put it in perspective

Remind them of times of anger and hurt feelings, and how they got through

Foster interests and other social groups

Recognize bullying and take it seriously

Peer Relationships in Adolescence

Continue to spend more time with peers

Fewer friends, but more intimacy, self-disclosure, and discussion of personal problems

Cliques more mixed-sex

Emergence of peer subculture/crowds (reputation-based collective of similarly stereotyped individuals – athletes, nerds)

Romantic relationships (25% at age 12; 75% at age 18)

Alcohol, drug use, delinquent behavior, and early/unsafe sex

How Parents can Help in Adolescence

Model healthy relationships (in person and online)

Maintain a warm, caring, open relationship but set boundaries and high expectations

Encourage positive peer friendships (at your home – have food!, school activities, youth programs, religious groups)

Know teen’s friends and their parents

Express concerns, ask questions, and pay attention to warning signs

Don’t judge based on appearance alone; listen to what teen has to say; don’t overreact; get help when needed

Bullying

Alberti Center Slideshow: Bullying

Unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times (or is highly likely to be repeated)

Bullying may inflict harm or distress on the targeted youth including physical, psychological, social, or educational harm

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2014)

What is Bullying?

Physical bullying punching, shoving, acts that hurt people

Verbal bullying name calling, making offensive remarks

Indirect/relational bullying spreading rumors, excluding, ganging up

Cyber bullying sending insulting messages, pictures or threats by

e-mail, text messaging, chat rooms

Hinduja & Patchin (2009)

Types of Bullying

What is Harassment?

Creation of a hostile environment by conduct or by verbal threats, intimidation or abuse that has or would have the effect of unreasonably and substantially interfering with a student’s educational performance, opportunities or benefits mental, emotional or physical well-being fear for his or her safety

Protected classes in NYS Dignity for All Students Act Race, color, weight, national origin, ethnic group, religion,

religious practice, disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, sex

Dignity for All Students Act (effective 7.1.12)

Intent is to provide all public elementary and secondary school students with a safe and supportive environment free from discrimination, harassment, bullying, taunting or intimidation

http://www.p12.nysed.gov/dignityact/

Highlights of Dignity Act

Policy (Code of Conduct)

Dignity Act Coordinator

Instruction for students

School employee training

6 hours of training prior to certification

School employee reporting

Annual reporting

Fun Teasing:Fun, good-natured, “give &

take” between friends to get

both parties to laugh; mean

teasing is one-sided and

negative

Conflict: Struggle, dispute,

misunderstanding

Not Everything is Bullying!

Being rude:

Inadvertently saying

or doing something

that hurts someone

else

Stand Up If This Is Bullying

Two friends, Alex and Aaron, are working on a class project and they disagree about how to divide up the work. Aaron says “You’re such a loser; I don’t want to work with you.” The next day in school, the two barely speak to each other.

Brittany is very popular, and many of the girls want to be just like her. Brittany becomes friends with the new, quiet girl (Sharon), but then quickly “drops” her. Brittany tells her friends to ignore Sharon when she talks to them. Brittany tweets to several boys that Sharon likes them, when Sharon never said this.

Stand Up If This Is Bullying

Joe is always joking – walking down the hall and burping in people’s faces and teasing (“Mama’s boy,” “Wimp”). Other students have learned to give it right back to him.

Joe (the one who likes to joke), starts calling Trey a “fag.” Trey tells him to cut it out, but Joe continues to do it in class, in the hallways, and outside of school. Trey starts taking alternate routes to school and class to avoid Joe. When the principal addresses it with Joe, he says that Trey just can’t take a joke.

Why Is Bullying a Problem?

It is common

1 in 3 have been involved in bullying at some point

It is hurtful

Low self-esteem, avoidance of school or social situations, depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts

School problems, relationship problems, rule-breaking behavior

Refer to others negatively (wimp, loser)

Lack empathy

Strong need to get own way

Hostile/defiant attitude

Anger easily

Deny involvement or blame others when behavior is addressed

Possible Signs of Bullying Others

Unexplained illnesses, cuts/bruises

Not wanting to go to school or be in social situations

Any change in behavior

Not interested in doing things used to like doing

Withdrawn

Change in friend group

Possible Signs of Being Bullied

Read, Watch, and Talk About it!gse.buffalo.edu/alberticenter

Tips for Parents: Preventing Cyberbullying

Watch your behavior (what do you text & post on Facebook?)

Supervise and limit activities (no 24/7)

Have computers in common areas (not in bedroom)

Know child’s password

Be friend on Facebook

Bring cell phones, computers to parents’ room to charge overnight

How Youth can Prevent Cyberbullying

Be a responsible digital citizen!

Only communicate things that you would be OK about grandparents and bosses seeing (anything and everything is permanent)

Follow rules (no Facebook under age of 13)

Beware of anonymous sites (Spring.me, formerly Formspring)

Do not share passwords with anyone (except parents)

Use the “off” switch

Do not respond to upsetting communications

If Your Child is Bullying Others

Try to figure out why (To be popular or powerful? Going along with the crowd? Being bullied and lashing out?)

Send clear, firm, and supportive message that the behavior is not OK and that it needs to change (meaningful consequences)

Involve child in developing alternate behaviors or ideas to gain leadership and “social status” that don’t involve bullying others

Work with school or community professional to plan for change

How Youth Can Help Themselves

Treat others with respect Use kind words

Think before you speak (or type or text)

Recognize when you are feeling frustrated, angry, or wanting to be mean to someone Find another way to handle it

Focus on something else

Talk to a friend or adult

Write down how you feel (not on social media)

If you have hurt someone else, take responsibility and try to make up for it (apologize, offer to help)

If Your Child is Being Bullied

Listen & empathize

“Tell me what happened”

“That must have been very scary for you”

Thank child for telling you

Take it seriously (do not minimize it)

Work with child to find out more about situation and to problem-solve

Responses like “just ignore it,” “give him a good whack,” what did you do to bother him or her?” won’t help

Work in partnership with school and with outside professionals if needed

Follow-up

How Youth Can Help Themselves

Depending on the situation and your comfort: Try not to show it if it makes you upset, as that could make it

worse

Stand up straight, look the person in the eye, and say “Stop”(or “Get a life,” “Enough,” “Give it a rest”) in a calm, clear voice

Say something to deflect it or make a joke of it

Report it to a trusted adult

Stay close to adults and trusted peers/friends

If your Child Witnesses Bullying

Thank them for telling you

Listen to what happened

Empathize how it feels for the person being bullied (and for the bystanders)

Problem-solve safe and effective ways to intervene

How Youth can Help Others

Don’t join in… speak up if it is safe to do so

Band together as a group against bullies

Tell an adult about the bullying

Tattling/ratting = telling an adult to get someone in trouble

Telling/reporting = telling an adult because someone’s behavior is unsafe or hurtful to another

Reach out to isolated peers, offer support!

Be an Upstander, Not a Bystander

Final Messages

Helping youth navigate their social worlds can be challenging, but it is critically important

Parents make a huge difference – hang in there!

Bullying and harassment need to be addressed with the perpetrator, the target, and the bystanders

It takes all of us (students, parents, school, community, society) to make a difference, but it is possible

The best thing parents can do for their children is give them roots and wings.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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