SSAFEAFE

HARBORHARBORMARRIAGESMARRIAGES

WEEK 3 - Harbor AlarmsWEEK 3 - Harbor Alarms

4 Part Series

WEEK 1 - Seaworthy RelationshipsWEEK 1 - Seaworthy Relationships

WEEK 2 - Safe HarborWEEK 2 - Safe Harbor

WEEK 3 - Harbor AlarmsWEEK 3 - Harbor Alarms

WEEK 4 - DockworkersWEEK 4 - Dockworkers

1 origin 2 outcomes

Fools

Wise

Simple fear of the Lord

Proverbs 14:1

The wise womanThe wise woman builds her house,

but with her own hands

the foolish onethe foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 8:1

Does not wisdom call out?

Does not understanding raise her voice?

Proverbs 9:1-6

Wisdom has built her house;she has set up its seven pillars.

She has prepared her meat and mixed her wine;

she has also set her table.

Proverbs 9:1-6

She has sent out her servants, and she calls

from the highest point of the city,

“Let all who are simple come to my house!”

Proverbs 9:1-6

To those who have no sense she says,

“Come, eat my foodand drink the wine I have mixed.

Leave your simple ways and you will live;walk in the way of insight.”

Proverbs 9:13-18

Folly is an unruly woman;she is simple and knows nothing.

She sits at the door of her house,on a seat at the highest point of the city,

calling out to those who pass by,who go straight on their way,

Proverbs 9:13-18

“Let all who are simple come to my house!”

To those who have no sense she says,“Stolen water is sweet;

food eaten in secret is delicious!”

Proverbs 9:13-18

But little do they know that

the dead are there,that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.

Handling Conflict Determines Handling Conflict Determines SafetySafety

• Disconnection (Trigger or crossed nerve)

• Reaction (Alarm)

• Repair or Resistance (Respond or Defend)

• Relief or Repetition (Balm or Offend)

Triggers & Raw Nerves

• WHY?– My stuff vs. Your stuff

• HOW reactive?– Hair, holstered, locked

TriggerTrigger

AlarmAlarm

Emotional Emotional ReactionReaction

TriggerTrigger

AlarmAlarm

Emotional Emotional ReactionReaction

THINKINGTHINKING

EMOTIONSEMOTIONS

The Hijacking

The emotional brain is like a beach ball

Pause for Poise

• When in THINKING brain, step up and engage

• When in EMOTIONAL brain, step back and pause– Take a time out

Qualities of A Good Repair

1. Patience 2. Personal Responsibility 3. Humility 4. Understanding5. Apology

Repair Attem

pt

1. Patience1. Patience

Proverbs 14:29

Whoever is patient has

great understanding,

but one who is quick-tempered

displays folly.

1. Patience1. Patience

Understanding is like a nose...

The greater the calmer!

1. Patience1. Patience

James 1:19-20

19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;

20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

1. Patience1. Patience

1 Thessalonians 5:14

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.

2. Personal Responsibility"And why do you look at the speck in your

brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? "Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? "Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

3. Humility

Philippians 2:3-4• Let nothing be done through selfish ambition

or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.

• Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

3. Humility

1 Peter 5:5

Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."

4. Apology

Matthew 5:23-24

23 "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,

24 "leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

4. Apology

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

5. Understanding

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

5. Understanding

“O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be

consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand…”

Saint Francis of Assisi’s

“O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be

consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand…”

Saint Francis of Assisi’s

Freight for the Journey

• Respond (not resist) to move forward

• Pause for poise

• Pursue repair with godly qualities: patience, personal responsibility, humility, apology and understanding

1. Contempt

2. Complaining

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

Beware of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Normal Response

Fast-track Response

Thalamus

AmygdalaVisual Cortex

Fight or Flight Response