Rev. LoraKim Joyner, DVMUU Metro NY Right Relations Consultant

Certified Trainer Nonviolent Communication

Don't Just Dream it, Be It!

We all have dreams. But in order to make

dreams come into reality, it takes an

awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and

effort.Jesse Owens

Turn to person next to you and share a horror story of

conflict or drama in your congregation, and if possible, how the dream of living compassionately shone through in

that situation.

Emotional and Social IntelligenceEmotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself. Social intelligence is when you can do it with others.

4

Emotional Health Restores Relationships and Builds Healthy Communities

Healthy communities and human flourishing works best when there is free expression and flow of emotion, and when we tell others how their actions impacted us.

Hiding our “hurt under a bushel” is not healthy, it “will come out.”

Emotional Health is Responsibility of Individuals •Healthy communities work well when we do things with people, and not for them, or to them• So in any conflict, we have to involve the effected parties and tell them what’s going on for us, and listen to what is going on for them•We seek to change ourselves, not others

Learning Emotional Intelligence (EI)This kind of learning is

implicit (not the thinking brain)

Happens in the limbic brain which is a slow learner – need practice, time, repetition

Skills include self confidence, EI, empathy, persuasion

The greater EI we have, the smarter and more effective the group is

Learning takes commitment and practice

“Hardwired” for collaboration as well as competition

Attention to emotions/status of others results in greater care delivered more quickly in more

ambiguous situations

Organizational Intelligence = Social Intelligence

Empathy a Prime Tool in Emotional Intelligence

Produces positive emotions which result in higher commitment to organization

Nurturing Your Organization with Emotional IntelligenceJudgment

undermines volunteer/staff performance

Blaming people makes it harder to understand issues

All labels, judgments, analyses are tragic expressions of unmet needs

Organizational SkillsMedical staffs

perform better in organizations that operate with a high level of social intelligence

Shift from producing results to producing growth of people who produce great results

Empathy in OrganizationsReduces

stress, burnout, and compassion fatigue

Leaders who “walk the talk” have greater influence

The Role of Nurturing Relationships in Congregations is About Awareness and Practice

All, and especially leaders, see their covenants, faith, and work as inviting them to work on emotional, social, and transspecies intelligence, and engage in faith development and spiritual practices

Nurturing Relationships is…Claiming and caring

for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else in the process

Fostering self awareness and staying present among difference

Being willing to change

Hard work and takes practice

A mindfulness practice

The Basic PracticeTranslate everything into feelings and needs

The Basic PracticeTranslate everything into feelings and needs

In Relationships and Congregational Activities, Practice by ……

Translating Complaints into Needs/ValuesTranslating Judgments into Needs/Values Translating Gratitude into Needs/Values

Translating Complaints into NeedsThere are true

and precious needs behind the complaints

People who complain often want empathy

Empathizing with those who complain nurtures relationships and fosters connection

Nurturing Relationships Through Translating Complaints

What is the complaint?

What are the needs behind the complaint?

Translate the complaint into needs for others, make a guess, and then check with them

.

The services are so boring!

Stimulation? Meaning? Learning?

I’m guessing you might value meaningful experiences, is that right?

Practice Translating ComplaintsGet in groups of threeChoose a common

complaintMake a list of the

needs behind the complaint

Role play – have one person voice the complaint, and another person guess the needs

Follow naturally the conversation, guessing and sharing the needs

Practice empathy, not this:

Nurturing Through Translating JudgmentsWhat judgments are

explicitly or implicitly expressed?

What needs, values, or dreams are behind these judgments?

How can you reframe the practices in the congregation or in the conversation?

Empathizing with the “enemy”

Imagine any persons with whom you might be having judgment

What might they be feeling and needing?

Imagine being them. What are they thinking and feeling?

Gratitude – Connecting to Underlying Met NeedsGratitude is a choiceTraining the

unconscious brain to see that the tally of gifts outweighs exchanges

Happiness comes 50% from genes, 10% from circumstances, and 40% from intentional activity

Gratitude in One Moment

Sharing Our Gratitude - Slow down and pause….

Think of three things for which you are grateful

What are the universal needs met by these things?

Share this with a partner

Compassion is Catching and Good For Us

If you want to spread compassion in your organization, demonstrate compassion.If you want to be healthy, practice compassion.Set up intentional compassionate practices in your organization.

In Meetings/CommitteesShare the common

vision and shared needs

Translate complaints and judgments into needs

Leaders model empathy, kindness, and compassion (it’s catching)

Be honestShare gratitude and

affirmations

Emotional Health is Responsibility of Individuals..whose support is the responsibility of all individuals

(congregational practices, traditions, policies)

Resources

Practice Groups

We practice the components to shift our consciousness

Meet regularlyLots of formats

Next Steps?

Check-OutAny learnings?Any aha

moments?Celebrations of

needs met?Mourning of

needs unmet?

Closing Words -I’m Going Home – Rocky Horror Picture Show