+

Preparing for the Prince of PeaceThe process of reconciliation and restoration

+The approach to reconciliation

The scriptural teaching on reconciliation is central

Matthew 5:24 –”If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that you brother has something against you, leave you gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift.”

+The Ministry of Reconciliation

2 Corinthians 5:18-20 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new

creation; the old has gone the new has come. All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.”

+Personal preparation for reconciliation It is obvious that we can only reconcile to others when

we ourselves have experienced our reconciliation to God through faith in Jesus Christ.

Several things begin to take place when we become motivated to reconcile Our attitude toward others is characterized by genuine

concern for them. Our spirits are humbled in recognition that we too are

broken and sinful persons We acknowledge before God that we are forgiving toward

those who have hurt us. We are willing to be obedient to do what God calls us to do.

Approaches in Conflict Resolution

+Some faulty resolution patterns

Trying to win at any cost Over-spiritualizing False and misleading acts of sincerity Blaming it on psychopathology, the environment or

demons One party taking advantage of the honest spiritual

stance of the other party. False humility Becoming a martyr

Bilateral

The Basics: The Old Covenant as a Paradigm

Conditional

Inflexible: Stones

Retaliatory

Holy, good, perfect...

Inoperative due to human failure, weakness

+Resolution patterns for fair fighting Identify the salient issue and stay focused on it. Set appropriate times for communication Select a neutral place Define a starting point The target is the issue not the other person Be open to utilization of a mediator or peacemaker

+Terms of the New Covenant

Unilateral Unconditional. Proactive Characterized by grace and mercy Promotes forgiveness and forgetfulness Intrinsic to the heart and mind Truth in love, empowered by the Spirit Promoting positive relationships

+Resolution patterns for fair fighting Agree to stop argumentation on the request of one

person. Do not involve third parties on either side No other weapons than words are allowed If the past has been forgiven it should not be brought

up again. Stay focused and honest in terms of thoughts and

feelings

Asess the relationship

Gather information about their interactions/complaints

Decide to take an initiative

Move in the desirable direction

Evaluate the decisions taken

Continue along the road taken

Decide to change direction

Re-e

valu

ateExcesses Déficits Assets

That Day

Chronos

This Day

Stewardship of Relations: Accountability

Forgiveness ReconciliationWho? One Person Two or more peopleWhat? Gift granted Earned not grantedHow? Emotional

replacementBehavioral replacement

Where? Within your body Within your relationshIp

How to? REACH MODEL Bridge to reconciliation

+ REACH MODEL OF FORGIVENESSHold on to forgivenessCommit publically to forgiveAltruistic gift of forgivenessEmpathizeRecall the hurt

+Reasons for not reconciling

It’s all over – I don’t want to open old wounds and start over.

It feels more comfortable being apart I don’t want to have to make the first move Even if I should reconcile, it seems like an enormous

task. It may be that the cost of reconciling might outweigh

the benefits. Reconciliation may not be sensible in view of our

differences How can I risk trusting again?

+Reasons for reconciling

I can’t stand failure in relationships The other person is valuable and the relationship could

be good this time. There are so many people who would benefit from our

reconciliation: including family, friends, and the church I am not willing to maintain the status quo of inaction If this continues without healing there will be a

disastrous rift in so many connected relationships.

+Overcoming barriers to forgiveness

Barriers How to overcome barriers

I haven’t prayed about it yet

Pray

I want to see him suffer Will his pain lessen mineI have a right to punish him

Will I feel better if I hurt him?

I can’t hold him accountable

Will accountability by itself solve the problem?

I am in too much pain now

How much time do I need to heal?

I haven’t confessed my own wrongdoing

Plan to make a thorough confession

+Overcoming barriers to forgiveness

Barriers How to overcome barriers

I hate to admit I was wrong

Admit our human frailty

I was justified in my actions

Examine the attitude of self righteousness

It is weak to admit I was wrong

Admitting a wrong takes real courage

If he/she refuses to forgive?

That is always a difficult risk

Will the other person use my confession against me?

This is a calculated risk

What is they extract some kind of retribution?

We can always set boundaries on our responses

+Decide reconciliation processStop all hostilitiesDecide to come togetherOpen to the possibilities of a peacemaker/mediatorRecognize the essential relationship is the Body of ChristAdopt a positive expectancyBe ready to forgiveTake the risk of learning to trust again

+The timing for reconciliationThinking and Feeling Action PlanVery tense Be cool, calm and

collectedI don’t want a long discussion

Try a joint task together

I feel powerless Be cautious but hopefulI am an authority for this other person

Don’t try and use a one down approach

There is a negative history

Be vulnerable (I language)

We have worked things out before

Make the first move

I am feeling very hurt Acknowledge needinessI am overstressed Don’t point out

transgressionsI haven’t had my say yet Be disciplined – don’t

just vent

+Keeping cool in the face of conflicted topics Practice forbearance Demonstrate you capacity for empathy Give good reflection on what you hear Give the other person space for doubt Be balanced and fair in you expectations Remember the importance of forgiving Decide whether to give or expect forgiveness – or both

+Soul detoxification

Be sure to accept forgiveness from God Forgiving decisionally (I John 1:9) let go of self-

condemnation Forgive self emotionally What does the ledger look like? When the pain lingers – give it to God Reflect on who you are as a loved child of God. This is

not because of who you are but is a reflection of who God is.

+Building the relationship in love

What does the other person understand what love is? Chapman’s “Five Love Languages”

Words of love and encouragement Physical touch and affection Spending quality time Acts of loving service Receiving gifts

+Resources

Many of the previous ideas come from Everett L. Worthington “Forgiving and Reconciling.”

+Possible choices in restoration

A person chooses not to repent but stays stuck where they are

A person will fake repentance and receive a hollow restoration

The person will truly repent and enter into the process of restoration

+The pattern of repentance

Repentance Forgiveness Ruling out continuing in sin Healing New attitudes and behaviors Growth and development Awareness of vulnerability Understanding God’s provision for continual cleansing

+Dishonesty program

Decision to lie overtly or just not disclose Superficial relationships Trust does not develop out of fear of discovery Feelings of loneliness and isolation Vulnerability is weak Lack of vulnerability and increase in dishonesty

+Honesty program

Decision to be truthful about self and sin Others know who you are You are less afraid to talk to others As you talk, new possibilities for trust develop Others show renewed trust Both you and others become more vulnerable Intimacy develops Intimacy sets the stage for greater honesty Cleansing and healing and growth continue

+Traits of a restoring church

A safe place for people to be real A place where godly judgment is administered A place where grace is extended A place for discipline A place for accountability A place where truth-telling is practices A place where proper restoration is possible A safe place for all persons involved

+Developing a Spiritual Care Team Restoration requires accountability and careful

observation All members are committed to prayer and openness Members are willing to invest themselves in terms of

time and support Members demonstrate spiritual maturity Members have the capacity to keep confidences Members have the courage to confront in love

+RESTORATION

Restoration is a process that requires sufficient time There is a spirit of welcome by all parties involved There is acceptance by the larger community Illus: Peter restored by Jesus after the resurrection Restored people and relationships will probably look

stronger than they were before the rift that requied restoration

+The Process of Restoration

Restoration is the end of the work of rebuilding We must always begin with forgiveness and a deep

personal commitment to accepting God’s grace to enable us to forgive.

Reconciliation follows forgiveness and is a often a long and sometimes slow process. Reconciliation requires an openness on the part of both parties.

Restoration is the process of rebuilding when there is sufficient safety and confidence to risk trusting again.

+Reference

Restoring the Fallen Earl and Sandy Wilson; Paul and Virginia Friesen; Larry and Nancy Paulson -