Post on 13-Oct-2020
https://learn.extension.org/events/2675
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family
Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.
Picking up the Pieces: Helping Couples
Overcome Infidelity
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Connecting military family service providers
and Cooperative Extension professionals to research
and to each other through engaging online learning opportunities
www.extension.org/militaryfamilies
MFLN Intro
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Today’s Presenter
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Emily Brown, LCSW
• Director of Key Bridge Therapy Center in Arlington, VA
• Works with individuals, couples, and families regarding
the underlying issues in relationships, marriage, divorce,
and betrayal
• Holds workshops for professionals on treating issues
associated with extramarital affairs and other relationship
issues
Picking up the Pieces:
Helping Couples
Overcome Infidelity
Presented by: Emily Brown, LCSW
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Key Bridge
Therapy Center1600 Wilson Blvd.
Suite 701
Arlington, VA 22209
keybridgectr@Verizon.net
703-528-3900
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Discussion
• How many of you work with or have worked with
individuals/couples where there has been an affair?
• For those of you who answered “yes,” do you find it
difficult? And, in what ways?
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Special Difficulties for Military
Families
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What do you find
most difficult about
working with
military families who
are dealing with
affairs?
Is it harder for you
to address affairs
with military families
than non-military?http://bit.ly/29ZiHSo
Types of Affairs
• Conflict Avoidance
• Intimacy Avoidance
• Sexual Addiction
• Split Self
• Exit
• Entitlement8
http://bit.ly/2aJU4Gh
Typical Characteristics by Type of Affair
Gender of Straying Partner
Length of Marriage Before Affair
Duration of Affair
Level of Emotional Involvement in Affair
Who Presents for Therapy
Likelihood of Divorce
Best/Worst Outcome
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Conflict Avoidance
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Gender of
Straying
Partner
Length of
Marriage
Before
Affair
Duration
of Affair
Level of
Emotional
Involvement
Who
Presents for
Therapy
Probability
Of
Divorce
Best/
Worst
Outcome
Male or
Female
Less than 12
years
Brief Minimal Straying
Partner or
Couple
Low Best-Solid
Marriage
Worst- Other
affairs or
divorce
Intimacy Avoidance
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Gender of
Straying
Partner
Length of
Marriage
Before Affair
Duration
of Affair
Level of
Emotional
Involvement
Who
Presents
for
Therapy
Probability
Of
Divorce
Best/
Worst
Outcome
Male or
Female
Less than 6
years
Brief Minimal Couple Low Best-Solid
Marriage
Worst-
Other
affairs or
divorce
Sexual Addiction
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Gender of
Straying
Partner
Length of
Marriage
Before
Affair
Duration
of Affair
Level of
Emotional
Involvement
Who
Presents
for
Therapy
Probability
Of
Divorce
Best/
Worst
Outcome
Male 0 years Brief None Straying
Partner or
Spouse
Low Best-Family
in Recovery
Worst-
Damaged
Family and
Public
Humiliation
Split Self
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Gender of
Straying
Partner
Length of
Marriage
Before Affair
Duration
of Affair
Level of
Emotional
Involvement
Who
Presents
for
Therapy
Probability
Of
Divorce
Best/
Worst
Outcome
Male 20 or more
years
2 or more
years
Great Couples,
Straying
Partner,
or Spouse
Above
Average
Best- Revived
Marriage or
Divorce
Worst-Empty
Shell
Marriage or
Divorce
Exit
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Gender of
Straying
Partner
Length of
Marriage
Before Affair
Duration
of Affair
Level of
Emotional
Involvement
Who
Presents
for
Therapy
Probability
Of
Divorce
Best/
Worst
Outcome
Male or
Female
Less than 15
years
6 months
to 2 years
Some Couple or
Spouse
Extremely
High
Best-
Resolve
issues of
ending
marriage
Worst-
Unresolved
Loss
Discussion
CASE EXAMPLES
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Issues in Revealing an Affair
• Determining Whether there is an Affair
• When to Reveal an Affair
• Planning for Revelation
• Revealing the Affair
• Is Revelation of Past Affairs Necessary for Couples?
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Determining whether there is an Affair
• Common Indicators that there is an affair
• When you suspect an affair
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When to Reveal an Affair
• Conflict Avoiders - help infidel reveal affair promptly
• Intimacy Avoiders - help infidel reveal affair promptly
• Sexual Addicts - confront the denial until infidel is ready to reveal the
affair, confront spouse’s denial
• Split Selves - when working with couples, help infidel reveal affair promptly,
if seeing only infidel for therapy, you have more time to work toward revelation
• Exit - revelation contraindicated when separation is imminent or during legal
proceedings because of potential for destructive legal process, exceptions: when
spouse asks about affair 18
Planning for Revelation
• Specific plan for revealing the affair: where and
when, how to start, what to say and what not to say,
information the spouse needs, rehearse, preparation
for the reaction
• When infidel drags feet about revealing
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Revealing the Affair
• Let infidel be responsible for revealing to spouse
• Provide emotional support for each partner
• Make sure individual sessions are known
• Disallow any attempt to discuss forgiveness
• Frame revelation as positive step
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Is Revelation of Past Affairs
Necessary for Couples?
• Not a dump and get rid of it, but why it
happened, how it affected marriage, and closure
• Judgment calls: Risks? Outcome if not dealt
with?
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Affairs are not really about sex, but are symptomatic of deeper issues that
haven’t been addressed.
For therapists, the challenge is in helping their clients shift from the
devastation of the affair into using the experience as a catalyst for resolving
“old baggage” and developing the promise and the possibilities in their lives.
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Intervening Effectively
• Immediate Threat
• Goals for Early Sessions
• Control Communication
• Provide a Safe Haven for Exploring the
Situation
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Immediate Threat
• Conflict and Intimacy Avoiders- People telling
them to hire an attorney and file for divorce.
Working on the marriage means pain and work
without guarantee of success.
• Sexual Addicts- More denial
• Split Selves- No immediate threat
• Exit- Serious about separating, crazy legal fight24
Goals for Early Sessions
• Diagnose type of affair
• Slow them down
• Forestall impulsive behavior
• Any other goals you would suggest or that you
find helpful?
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Control Communication
• Limit discussion of affair - except for Sexual
Addiction
• Acknowledge pain and rage, but reframe issue
• Refuse to discuss right/wrong
• Insist speak only for self
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Provide a Safe Haven
for Exploring the Situation
• Normalize, support both
• Suggest next step
• Focus your interventions around the hidden
message
• Suggest no decisions about marriage until they
understand how they arrived at current situation
• Resist all attempts to get you to take sides 27
Forgiveness and Closure
• Closure for Couples Who Stay Together
• Closure for Couples Whose Marriage Ends
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Q & A
29https://pixabay.com/en/light-bulb-idea-consider-know-1002783/
Recommended Resources
• Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of InfidelityA supportive guide that offers couples clear advice on how to work through the emotional and practical fallout of infidelity. Affairs is a healing guide, giving readers the knowledge and information they need to deal with difficult issues, make peace with themselves and each other, and move on.
• Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment (Second Edition)Written for mental health professionals in a simple readable style. Critical treatment issues are addressed including disclosure of an affair, reducing obsessive behavior, preventing affair-related violence, and resolving the underlying issues that led to the affair.
• The Affair as a Catalyst for Change, by Emily M. BrownIn “A Practicioners Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis,” Edited by Paul Peluso.
• The Upside of Infidelity, written by Hanna Rosin for Slate.com – January 19, 2014Describes the work of Emily Brown 30
What is one significant thing
you learned today?
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36This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family
Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.