Post on 08-Jan-2017
Letting God Lead
By Amanda Brown
“Letting God Lead”
It is said all marriages have that year or two where you feel like
you have hit rock bottom. It happens to even the best of
Christians. A strong marriage is not an easy accomplishment and
I would soon learn why my mother-in-law always said put God
first in your marriage and everything else would follow.
In February 2007 our marriage was coming off that rough patch
when we decided it was time to start planning and trying for our
second child. Our oldest and only son, would be 2 in April and
that sounded like a good age difference to me. I mean doesn’t
everyone think pregnancy and family will just unfold like a book
and you can just plan and expect for it to happen according to
your desires? After the first year of trying I was frustrated but
just thought maybe we are trying too hard. Many people often
say if you stop trying it will happen. As we would realize over
the following months and years, that statement is far from the
truth.
The third year in to trying with no success I decided maybe it was
time for me to talk to my OBGYN about our issue. I told her
about a doctor in Louisville, Kentucky who I had heard about
from some of my friends. She gave me a referral and
appointments were made for us to have our consultation. I
begged God to please just let this work. I promised him I would
be a better Christian, begin putting him first in my life, and I will
make sure to attend church every Sunday for the rest of my life.
I tried to include all of the right promises to cover myself
considering my request. We went to our appointment and my
husband I and both went through a series of tests. As
embarrassing and humbling as this was, we were excited to learn
the doctors thought they had the problem pinpointed. They were
even reassuring in their belief of IUI being successful for us!
However, four IUI procedures later (which lasts a few months)
we were still in the same boat we were the first day we stepped
in to the doctor’s office. I was heartbroken but yet when I think
back, I still hadn’t changed my life spiritually like I had promised
God I would.
At times I was angry with God. I am in the education business
and I see so many families with numerous amachildren they can’t
even take care of. To make matters worse, it seems they just keep
getting pregnant. To say I was envious would be an
understatement. I would ask God daily “Why me? Why can’t
this happen for me just one more time?” Infertility is such an
emotional rollercoaster and until you have been in that situation,
you have no idea the emotions your body can go through. It was
definitely time for a break. My mind needed it and my heart as
well. So many times I would say to myself “I’m done . . . I can’t
do it any longer. I will just be content with what the Lord has
given me.” Yet day after day my mind would go crazy and
having a baby would consume my every thought. I am the type
of person that when I set my mind to doing something or
achieving a goal I will not rest until the task is complete. I would
spend countless hours online at night reading infertility pages,
blogs with women talking back and forth about what was
working for them or just where they were in this journey. It was
nice to read night after night how these women felt because I had
the same feelings and thoughts. Needless to say my thoughts of
pity and feeling sorry for myself actually helped my immediate
emotions yet it did not satisfy what I wanted for my family.
I decided to talk to my husband about IVF and what his thoughts
were on us giving that a try. It didn’t take him long to go along
with what I had already decided because that’s what he did
throughout this whole process. No matter what I wanted, he
wanted it that much more. He wanted to give me anything and
everything to heal my pain. I love him so much for that. After
talking with my doctor she insisted if I really wanted to proceed
with IVF, she would prefer for me go to a highly successful clinic
in Cincinnati. Even though it would mean endless commute
times of 3 hours each way, we made a commitment to give this
endeavor every effort we could. I’ll never forget our first
appointment and how I felt walking in and how I felt when we
walked out. Walking in, we were nervous, scared and guarded.
However, when we left after that first consultation, my fear had
subsided. I was filled with joy, hope, and excitement for the first
time since this journey started. They even took our picture
together right before we left. The staff said they do that for all
couples so if they are successful they could put our picture up on
the wall. This wall was filled with wonderful success stories of
many couples in the same situation as us. As silly as it sounds, I
could not wait for my picture to be up on that wall because I just
knew this would work.
After numerous trips to Cincinnati over the next few months
(some even back to back days), our excitement had not weakened
yet we were just anxious to have our story unfold. Yet, our story
did not have the ending we wanted. We never even made it to
the egg retrieval process. After 3 attempts of giving myself shots
every day and going for ultrasounds and routine blood work my
body just could not make more than one egg at a time. After
almost a year of experiments, trials and tests, we found ourselves
wondering which direction we were headed in next. The
optimism by the doctor was still high and that always had us
feeling hopeful.
One day, after yet another ultrasound, the doctor asked if he could
see us in his office. My stomach hit the floor because that was
not routine or normal for our visits. I did not want to go in that
office. As we sat there, we heard these words, “It’s not going to
work.” I was not ready for those words. Even as the doctor was
talking, I could not hold the tears in. I wept as I sat there and I
immediately felt so empty inside. Looking back, I cannot
imagine how hard that must have been for the doctor. Chris and
I left the office and like we had been doing for months, we
decided to go eat lunch before we made the three hour drive
home. After we both ordered, we just sat there with tears rolling
down both our cheeks. We ate maybe two bites of our food in
what seemed like total silence. What do you say in that moment
to make it better or make the hurt go away? You don’t. You sit
there together and understand the silence because you know
exactly what the other person is feeling. You realize no words at
that moment will make it better.
After getting back home, the hurt and disappointment were real
and still ever present. One would think I could just let it go and
be satisfied knowing I did all I could and I just be so thankful to
God for the chance to try IVF considering most families are not
that fortunate to have the opportunity. A few months passed and
I still could not keep it off my mind. I would ask myself “What’s
next? What can I do now to make this happen?” My every
thought was about how bad I wanted this and I would find a way.
I called the doctor and talked to him about what my options were
now if any. He told me egg donation would be my next step. He
discussed with me how most women who have sisters use their
eggs and it works out better than using the egg bank. I did not
even hesitate . . . here was another opportunity! I came home that
day and talked to my sister about what the doctor and I discussed.
I told her this wasn’t a decision she needed to make immediately
and to take some time to think it through and talk to her husband.
In the meantime, Chris and I decided if they did agree to do this,
we thought it best to never tell anyone it was her egg. We would
just tell everyone that we tried the process one more time and it
worked for us. Once again, I got so excited about the thought of
this finally working. Following the same path as before, I begged
God to please let her say yes and for it to work this time. I
repeatedly begged for what I wanted yet continued to give
nothing in return. About a month after talking with my sister, the
four of us had dinner together one night. Right before they left,
they informed us of their decision to go ahead with the process.
She wanted so badly to help us and she knew my hurt.
The next day I called the office and set up all of our appointments.
In these situations, you must go through counseling together to
make sure everyone is ok with the process, to review the
medications to be taken and what the feeling will be if it does
work. There are many different factors which weigh on your
mind when making such a huge decision as this. My sister had a
nine month old baby at the time and she wanted to ensure her
ovaries would not be damaged in this process. She wanted to
make sure she would be able to have more children in years to
come. All of our concerns and worries were put to ease by the
doctor and we were ready to proceed yet again.
One afternoon I came home and was killing time before going to
church for a seniors dinner we were helping with. I love to sit on
my back porch in the late afternoon and that’s where my sister
found me as she came busting through the door. She was crying
so hard that I could not even understand what she was trying to
tell me. As I stood there it suddenly made sense and hit me like
a ton of bricks. My sister was pregnant. She had no plans of
having another baby at that time since her first child was only
nine months old. I found myself consoling her to keep from
breaking down. I could tell she felt horrible and she kept
apologizing for letting me down. Understanding her emotions, I
assured her it was fine and it just wasn’t meant to be. I was just
hoping someone would help me actually believe those words.
That night I found myself yet again in that place of comforting
silence sitting in the chair with Chris. That place we both knew
all too well. With tears of heartbreak, he told me it evidently just
wasn’t in Gods plans for it to happen this way. At this very point
in my life everything changed after turning to God’s word for
answers. Over and over I would read 2 Corinthians 12:8-10.
8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it
away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more
gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s
power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s
sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in
hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For
when I am weak, then I am strong.
Every time I would read “three times I pleaded with the Lord to
take it away from me”, my mind went back to the IUI procedures,
the IVF procedures, and then to the egg donation plan which
failed before it began. Even though I begged him three different
times, each time he was saying to me “My grace is sufficient for
you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” How powerful
and true this! Realizing how I had not been paying attention to
those words, my prayers changed to simply asking for peace.
It took a while but I finally accepted the fact our journey and
efforts were over. Once the Lord gave me the peace I was
seeking in my situation, I found myself always telling him he was
in control and I believed and accepted that. Even though a piece
of my heart was still missing, every night I would ask him to just
lead me in the right direction. To lead me to that piece so
hopefully someday I could be whole. I would lay there and have
conversations with him explaining how my heart felt like a
puzzle missing that one little tiny piece.
Over the next year and a half I would find that my heart was in a
different place spiritually. My marriage was going in such a
positive direction and we were enjoying time with our son. My
life was good and I was content. The Lord was finally finding
his way to the top of my life where he needed to be all along.
Life had finally gotten back to normal and I had learned to thank
God every single day for what I had because there is always
someone out there who has it worse.
It was almost Christmas time and 2013 was coming to a close.
We were in our last week of school before leaving for holiday
break when my son’s teacher came to me with a letter. It was a
letter he had written to Santa Claus but for some reason he had
wadded it up and thrown in the garbage. As I read the first two
lines, my emotions got the best of me . . .
Dear Santa,
Do you have any babies? If you do, could you
bring me one? I don’t know what it feels like to be a big
brother!
Throughout this entire journey, I had worried about mine and
Chris’s feelings. I had never considered how my son felt. I knew
a couple of times he had gotten upset when someone’s mom got
pregnant or when one of his aunts was pregnant. I knew of times
he would blow out the candles on his birthday cake wishing for
a brother or sister. I knew he would sometimes question why his
friends could have a baby brother or sister but not him. Yet we
had abandoned his feelings unintentionally when trying to heal
our own hurt and pain. At times we had tried to answer his
questions but only in passing. We would tell him it was always
God’s decision and never our own. It was never a “discussion”
because we honestly did not want to bring this situation in to his
life. We tried to guard him and protect him yet he was hurting in
his own way. Our 9 year old boy should have been asking Santa
Claus for toys and games yet he was asking for a baby brother or
sister. I felt so helpless and ashamed not being able to give my
son his wish.
A couple of nights later, Chris said he was going to take our son
for a drive to talk about the letter to Santa. Finding an empty
parking lot, Chris pulled in, put the car in park and turned to him
and said “Buddy, we need to talk.” Immediately he jumped in to
Chris’ lap and starting bawling, apologizing for the letter to
Santa, saying he knew Santa could not bring him a baby and for
Mommy and Daddy to not be upset with him. With tears rolling
down his face, Chris promised that little boy he would never stop
trying to fulfill his wish for a baby brother or sister.
That night Chris decided to get online and research adoption. We
had looked many times before yet after incurring the cost of IVF,
there was no way we could afford the cost of adoption through
another country or even an agency. A few nights later, Chris
came to me and said I know this sounds crazy but I’ve been
reading where some families are getting connected on social
media. Even though I was not totally convinced of the idea, Chris
did what he normally does and pursued the idea since he was so
curious. On December 27th he posted an ad to Craig’s List stating
we were a family looking to adopt. At first, he did not tell me he
posted this online. Throughout this journey, he was so cautious
to protect my heart. However, after receiving so many inquiries
from people looking for money or other motives, he shared with
me what he had posted. Even though the correspondence led to
dead ends, he continued to pursue this avenue. On December
29th, Chris literally sat online and posted to every board, forum
and blog he could find just hoping there was a glimmer of hope
somewhere out there. The next few days he would open each
email with anticipation hoping he could finally surprise his wife
with this wonderful news! Yet each email was followed by
hitting the delete button. However, everything changed on
December 31st. His ad was answered by a family in West
Virginia.
I will never forget that moment: we were driving back from a
week in Gulf Shores when we stopped in Franklin, KY to eat
dinner at McDonalds. As we were walking in, Chris handed me
his phone and said “You need to read this . . . for some reason I
think this is real.” As I read it, I just knew this was all too good
to be true! I just kept reading it over and over. I kept telling
myself to just put the phone down and stop reading it. There was
no chance of this being real. Yet something in our hearts and
minds kept telling us this was different.
Even though it was New Year’s Eve, Chris sat up all night and
talked with this expectant mother for hours. They exchanged
stories and information. Chris shared our journey with this
complete stranger who was sitting at a computer in West
Virginia. I later read all of the emails from that night yet had I
known he was sharing all of this . . . I probably would have been
upset with him. We had kept all of this so private and here he
was sharing the past few years of our life with this lady who
replied to an ad on Craigslist.
The next day, Chris went to the hospital to see his grandmother
and his parents were there visiting as well. Even though we had
not discussed this with anyone, he actually told them to read the
emails (evidently he could not stop smiling). While they were
reading, Chris looked at both of them and said “As crazy as this
sounds . . . I believe this is 100% real.” I’m sure they thought we
had lost our minds.
I wanted to be as excited and confident as Chris but I just wasn’t.
My fear of disappointment outweighed everything else. I did not
want to be hurt again. As much as I could not totally accept the
fact this might be true and really happening, with Chris being all
in and telling his parents, I needed to tell my family.
I remember sitting in my sister’s basement with her, my brother-
in-law and my mom. I began telling them this story and showing
them email after email. Hesitant to even tell them, I was
reluctantly wondering what their reaction would be. I knew this
was absolutely unheard of in our small town world. However,
my mom and sister’s smiles grew with each email they read. In
a moment when the unknown is all I had, I found comfort in
knowing I had their support. There was still one person I needed
to tell and that is a memory I will never forget.
I opened the door, walked in and knelt down by my Dad, taking
his hand. “Dad” I said, “Chris and I have met a family online
who wants us to adopt their child.” He looked at me with tears
flowing down his face and proclaimed how happy he was for me.
You see a daddy doesn’t like to see his baby girl hurt and even
though I had not cried to him over my situation, or shared every
little detail, he knew my heart.
With the support from our families, Chris was evidently ready to
ask the most important question. He was hesitant but sent an
email with just one question: “So before we get too emotionally
involved, when will you be making your decision regarding who
will be adopting the baby?” This might be a good time to fill you
in on something I did not know initially either . . . Chris spent all
of that New Year’s Eve emailing her back and forth in hopes of
convincing her we were the best candidates. Could this unlikely
story actually take any more turns and twists? Is my husband
actually have to use a “sales pitch” for our adoption process?
Should Chris even be talking to this lady? Finally, she replied
back . . . “After talking with my husband, we have chosen you to
be the adoptive family.”
The only thing Chris wanted was for me to be happy. For years
he had seen my hurt and he would later tell me how he felt guilty
and ashamed. In his mind he was supposed to be the provider for
our family. He was always supposed to give me everything I
wanted or needed. He wanted to heal my pain and see me smiling
instead of crying. He wanted to see joy instead of sadness. I
guess he was excited because he thought he may have found a
solution.
He would often try to talk to me about this possibility and I would
just listen to appease him. I wanted to believe him and be excited
with him. Yet I thought after all we have been through there is
no way it is this easy. This has to be a scam for someone to just
get money. Within the next two weeks we made plans to go meet
with this family in their hometown of Beckley, West Virginia.
We also arranged to meet with a lawyer to share this bizarre story.
We obviously were hesitant but always referred back to the
promise we made our 9 year old son . . . we would not stop trying.
Making the trip to Beckley, West Virginia, we had no idea how
to feel about what would transpire during that trip. Chris had
even told his Dad the schedule and when he would contact him.
He even told him if he did not hear from him by a certain time,
to call the police in Beckley, West Virginia. We were both scared
but pressed forward because we really had no choice.
I remember sitting on that bed in our hotel room. We would be
leaving soon to go meet with the expectant mother and her
husband. I had so many emotions and feelings going through my
mind and my heart. The only thing I wanted to do is pray. I
asked Chris to please hold my hands and pray with me. As I sat
there and listened to what I thought was the most beautiful prayer
I had ever heard, I had a peace come over me that is
unexplainable. It was that very moment that I thought: This is
real, this is going to happen, and this is the missing piece of my
heart I have searched for in all the wrong places. God is leading
me here just like I had asked. He was actually just waiting on me
to fulfill the promises I had made to him. I had been faithful to
him, accepting what obstacles he had put in my life throughout
this journey.
We left the hotel ready to face the day before us. The meeting
with the lawyer went better than expected. She didn’t tell us we
were officially crazy. She did say she hoped it worked out for us
and of course her fee and the information she would need. It all
seemed fairly simple and straight forward. Was this too easy so
far? Leaving to meet the couple, we really had nothing to say or
any agenda for the approaching lunch conversation. We arrived
at the restaurant and waited patiently for the couple to arrive. As
a car would pull in, we would be looking out the window with
anticipation. Finally, we saw a car pull in and knew immediately
it was them. I’m not sure why yet we knew instantly. We sat
down with the family and instantly fell in love with the sweet
baby boy inside her tummy and I loved them unexplainably for
what they were doing for us.
I still remember leaving that restaurant, sitting down in the car
and crying tears of joy while Chris wrapped me in his arms. I
think I was holding him as much as he was holding me. We both
agreed on talking to our son about this and discussed how we
would tell him. We wanted him to enjoy the journey and have
the months of anticipation which is part of all pregnancies. We
left there and went to buy our baby boy his first outfit. We
wrapped it up and bought a card and left for our home in
Kentucky. The drive home seemed like days. We were so
excited to get home and tell our son the good news! His reaction
could not have been more precious. I’m still amazed at the
emotions and tears of joy he showed for such a young age. To
have the opportunity of making our son this happy was the most
satisfying experience of my life.
The next two months involved a world of unknown. We
anxiously awaited the birth and the opportunity to finally meet
our son. However we were not afforded the opportunity to go to
the doctor visits or ultrasounds. We relied solely on the
information thru email and texts. This was a trying time yet we
depended on our prayers to God and left it totally in his hands.
The feeling of praying for the birthmother, her health and our
new baby boy was overwhelming. Yet God still allowed me to
have the peace I had longed for.
Two months later, I found myself sitting in the waiting room with
Chris and our son. We wanted to include him on the journey and
let him experience it knowing we would not have a second
chance at this. I finally got the text saying our baby boy was
almost here. I sprinted down the hall praying for our baby boy
and his health. The nurses opened the door and let me. I stepped
thru the door and she placed in my arms my sweet baby boy. I
cried like I never had before. This was it . . . the missing piece
to my puzzle was securely in my arms and I loved him so much
already.
The adoption process varies depending on the state the baby is
born in. According to West Virginia law, we had to stay for 72
hours before the adoption process could be finalized. What we
anticipated being a stressful few days had moments of pure joy
and times of trials. However, God took me by the hand and said
“I never have nor will ever leave you. Trust in me . . . I will help
you thru this. You just had to let me take the lead.” 72 hours
later we signed the papers, loaded our car and pulled out as a
family to come home to Kentucky. I remember looking back at
our oldest son as we started the journey. Tears in his eyes . . . a
smile on his face . . . his brother’s hand in his . . . he was ready
to go home.
As I look back on my journey I see God in every single step
where at the time I couldn’t see him at all. I was too blinded with
selfishness. I tried taking control instead of letting God lead me
in the direction he wanted me to go. He got our journey started
in Louisville but soon moved it to Cincinnati. You see Chris and
I spent countless hours on the road back and forth to the
appointments. God was using this time to allow us to grow as
husband and wife. We needed that time together to become
closer and God knew that. He was not saying no to our wants.
He was just saying “Not yet. There is more to prove before I give
you this.” The time after IVF brought me so close to the Lord. I
was in a place I had never been and it felt so good. I turned to
God and said, “OK, I’m ready. I’m letting you lead.” And even
though I thought I knew how the story was supposed to end . . .
God led me on a journey that would forever change my family
and my life.
He was right when he said “My grace is sufficient for you, for
my power is made perfect in weakness.” My weakness did not
drive me away from the Lord but brought me closer to him.
Maxwell was meant to be mine. It was God’s plan. All things
happen in his time not ours. He knew what he had in store for
us. We just had to let him lead and trust in his will for our lives.
Amanda Brown