Kardia Formation

Spiritual Direction in the 21st Century – Conversation 4 March 2017

Creatinganewvoice.IndigoDaya|MentalHealth&TraumaSpeaker&Writer

http://www.indigodaya.com/creating-a-voice/-downloaded14March2016

Whathappenedwhencompassionreplacedclinicalobjectivity,andcreativityreplacedcompliance.

Onemorningin2009Iwassittinginthepsychward,workingonaplantokillmyself.

Iwasmadeaninvoluntarypsychiatricpatientfollowingaratherextremetypeofself-harm,evenforme.Myhomehadbeenrushedbypolice,ambulanceofficersandapsychiatriccrisisassessmentteam,andI’dbeencartedofftotheED,andthenthepsychward.Iwasbeingplaguedbythevoiceinmyhead,whoIcalled‘TheJudge’.Ithoughttherewasabeastwholivedinsideme,IthoughtIwasevilandIthoughtthatIhadtobedestroyed.Ifelttrappedinaninescapableandtormentingmadness.

TheJudge:ThisisadrawingIdidinhospitalofTheJudgevoice.

Thiswasthemorningafterameetingwiththeconsultantpsychiatrist,andwhatshe’dsaidhadstrippedawaymylastvestigesoffight.Shehadchangedmydiagnoses,butnotmytreatment.ApparentlythesametreatmentwouldapplynomatterwhatlabelsIhad.She’dtoldmethatgettingcontrolofmysymptomsandgettingbacktoworkwasmoreimportantthananythingelse–evenmoreimportantthanmystruggletofindawaytostophatingmyself.

Shehadlistenedtometalkabouttryingtomakesenseofmychildhoodtraumas,butthentoldmethatImustforgetmypastandstopanytherapytoexploremychildhoodtrauma.

Youcan’tcopewithdoingthis,Indigo,she’dtoldmeinacompassionatevoice.Andthenshewentfurther,contactingmyprivatepsychologistanddirectinghimtostoptalkingtomeaboutmychildhood.Ididnotevenattempttoarguewithher,becauseIknewthatwouldonlymakethingsworse.

NomatterwhatIdo,nomatterhowItry,Ialwaysendupinhell,Iwasthinkingtomyself.Thereisnoescapefromthebeastinsidemeorfromthecrueltyofothers.Shehasnotheard.Shehasnotunderstood.Everythinginthissystemisdesignedtotrapandtrickmedeeperintohell.

Ihadgivenup.

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

Youcan’twinanargumentwithapsychiatrist,Idecided,notever.Ifyoutry,theyjustsayyouhavenoinsightandputyouonatreatmentorder.

Iknewthisdoctorwasagoodpersonandshehadn’tmeanttohurtme.Iknewshewasn’tcruel.Iknewshewasn’tstupid.Despitethefactthatwhatshe’djustdonefeltexactlylikehowacruelpersonwouldstupidlydestroymyhope.ShewasastrappedinthissystemasIwas,butshegotbenefitsandIgotdespair.

ImmediatelyaftermeetingwithherIconcludedthatdeathwasmyonlyremainingoption.Iwasworkingonasuicideplan,whenoutoftheblueIgotaphonecallfromacolleagueandfriend.

ShetoldmethatAndrew(nothisrealname),someoneIknewandrespectedfromtheUKHearingVoicesMovement,hadflownintoAustraliathatday.WhenheheardIwasinthehospital,Andrewhadinsistedoncomingouttovisitmestraightaway–andtheywereontheirwaynow.

Andrewisamentalhealthworkerwithhisownlivedexperience.Iwassurprisedandhonoredthathewantedtoseeme.Thiswasatinylittlelightthatdrewmetorushofftomyroomandgetoutofmycrumpledmintgreenhospitalpyjamasbeforehearrived.

Theextraordinaryimpactofusingcompassionandcreativity

Andrewarrivedatthehospitalandaskedthenursestogiveusaprivateroomtotalkin.Itwasthesameroomthepsychiatristmetmein,andyetitwasn’t.

Thecheaptubchairsheldthesamerigidshape.Theglasswallsremainedsolidintheirfrostydemeanor.Thecarpetsatstiffandtightinitsunremarkablepracticality.

Andyettheroomnolongerfeltlikeacoldlab.IdidnotfeellikeIwasadisturbingandpassivesubjectunderexaminationbyscientists.Ididnotfeellikeothersweretryingtofixthebitsofmethattheythoughtwerebroken.Ididnotfeelpowerless.

Instead,thisroombecameagallerythatwantedtoexplorethefullpicture.Itbecamearecordingstudiothatheardmeinhi-fidelity.Itbecameasafespacethatwaswarmedwithgenuinecare.Itbecamealibrarywherewisdomwassharedandexploredandequal.Spacesmatter,butpeoplecanmakeallthedifference.

Andrewsatnexttome,notacrossfromme.Hedidn’tmakenotesinhisownfile(hedidn’thaveafile),butwewrotethingstogetherinmyownjournal.Unlikethedoctors,Andrewdidn’taskmequestionsthatwereobviouslyfromapre-determinedlist.Instead,hefollowedthedirectionthatIset,andmystoryandpainwastheguide.Andrewdidn’tshutdownmyweirdness,insteadhewantedtoknowmoreaboutit.Heknewthatmyexperiencesmatteredtome,andthatthemeaningwouldcomefrommeratherthanfromadiagnosticmanual.

TheBeast:Thisisanotherdrawingfrommyjournalinhospital.Itwasofan evilcreaturethatIthoughtlivedinsideme.Iwasterrifiedofit.

WhenImentionedmydrawingsinmyjournal,Andrewdidn’ttellmetoput itdownandfocusonhisquestion,butinsteadheaskedtoseeitandhearmore.WhenIaskedhimquestions,Andrewdidn’tgivemeanswers.Instead we

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

eachsharedideasthatweunpackedtogether.Therewasneverthatslightexpressionchangethatwouldsneakthroughonthedoctor’sfaces,whenyoujustknowtheythinkyou’reravingbonkers,buttheytrytohideit.Wecanalwaysseethatlook.Duringmytwo-hourconversationwithAndrewIfeltsafeandheard.Evenmorethanthat,Ifeltlikewewerepartners,workingtogethertoexploreacomplexandscaryterritory.

Together,inmyjournal,AndrewandIdrewupamapofthedifferentpartsofme.WelookedattheJudgevoicethathadbeentormentingme,butwelookedathimasjustonepartamongstthemanypartsthatmakeupmywhole.IrealisedthattheJudgehadlotsofpoweroveralltheotherparts,andIcouldseethatthispowerwaswayoutofbalance.That’swhyIwashere,inthishospital.

Andrewaskedmeabouthisname,‘TheJudge’.Thisquestionhelpedmetoseethatapartofhispurposewasobviousinhisname:hewasacritic,hewastheholderofmymoralvalues,andheheldmetoaccountagainstthesevalueswithasavageandunwaveringfocus.TheJudge’sviewwasprettymuchthatImustbeentirelyandabsolutelygoodandpure,orImustdie.Andrewtoldmethatalmosteveryonehasacriticpartofthemselves,andsometimestheycanbeverystrong.

AsIsatthere,thinkingabouthowterrifyingandbrutaltheJudgecouldbe,Andrewsharedhisownreflection:

ItsoundsliketheJudgehasalotofresponsibility.Iwonderifhemightbelonely.

Wow.

Seriously,wow.

Thiswassoveryhuman.Sokind.SounlikeanythingIhadeverthoughtaboutthejudgebefore.Sounlikeanythinganyonehadeversaidtomebefore.Andcertainlynotthekindofthingapsychiatristmightsay.Iwasonadifferentplanet.

Lonelinessandresponsibility.NotsodifferenttohowIhavefeltmyselfmanytimesinlife.Whenyoufeelresponsibleforalot,andyoufeelalonetoo,itcanbeoverwhelming.Itcanbehardtoholdontocompassion.

Andrew’ssimplebutinsightfullittlecommentinstantlytooksomestingoutofmyexperienceoftheJudge.Ithelpedmetoseehimasmorehumanandfallible.Itmademethink,forthefirsttime,abouthowtheJudgemightfeel,insteadofhowIfeel.

Imean,IknewthatmyvoiceandIwereoneandthesame–butstill,weweredifferenttoo.TheJudgehadajobtodo,hefoundithard,andhewasaloneinhisstruggle.Maybethatwaspartofwhyhewassoharsh?

Anewideabegan,onlyjust,togrowinme.TheideaoflisteningtotheJudgewithcompassion,ratherthanwithfear.Overtimethisideawouldopenupmanynewavenuesinmyrecovery.

AndrewhadnotedearlierthatIalsohadapartofmythatwasa‘helper’.Ireflectedthatmostlymyhelpercaredaboutotherpeople,notme.AndAndrewwonderedifIcouldaskmyhelperparttohelpmetodialoguewiththeJudge.WeexploredsomequestionsthatmyhelperselfcouldasktheJudge.QuestionsthatwouldhelpmetobetterunderstandtheJudge,likewhyhewasthere,andwhathereallywanted.Thiswasalsotoleadtomanybreakthroughsforme,overtime.

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

Weexploredsomeofmydisownedselves,like‘thevulnerablechild’,‘thenurturer’,‘thebeast’,and‘mindfulme’.Theseweremuchhardertotalkabout.Ifeltuncomfortable,awkward.Ididn’tlikeanyofthoseparts,itwasweirdtoacknowledgethattheywerethereatall.AndtalkingabouttheBeastwasfrightening.Thiswasthedisgusting,evilpartofme.ThispartwaswhytheJudgewantedmetobepunishedortodie.

AndrewmadeagentlesuggestionthattheBeastmightbeabletotransforminto‘thelover’ifIcouldfindawaytogiveitsomespaceandtime.

Atthetimeitseemedlikeanastonishingsuggestion.IthoughtperhapsAndrewwasconfused.Itmadenosensetomewhyhewouldsaysuchathing.Asatanicbeastturningintosomethingtodowithlove?How?Whatdidhemean?Theveryideaseemedbothnonsensicalandsomehowperverted.

Ofcourse,Ilookbackandit’sobvious.Ididn’tnameanytypeofsexualorlovingself.It’ssuchafundamentalthingthatwaswhollymissingfrommymapofme,frommylife.ButIhadtoldAndrewaboutthesexualassaultandabductioninmychildhood,andthenIhadshownhimmydrawingoftheBeast.

Iguessthat’safeatureofmadness.Thethingsthattormentusbecomesolargeandloudthattheylosetheirshapeandsubstance.Wecan’tseewhattheyareanymore.Wehearthescreamingoftruth,butthewordsbecomeunintelligible,anotherlanguagefromanother,strangeplacewherepainhasdistortedreality.

AndrewandIexploredgentlewaystotransformtheBeastpartofme,toletitfinditsplaceasaprimaryself,ratherthansomethingIdisownedandwantedtodestroy.HesuggestedthatIdrawonmymindfulself,thatIinvitemyvulnerablechildouttoplay,thatIwriteletterstoit.

Thishasbeenajourneythathastakenyears,buttodayIactuallydothinkofthispartofmeasmy‘InjuredLover’,notasa‘Beast’.

Ievenhaveapaintingthatshowsthetransformationofthispartofme,fromsomethingterrifyingandevilintosomethingbeautifulandhurt.

Inmypainting,theinjuredloverisslowlygrowing,likeaeucalyptusseedaftertheravagesofabushfire.Icomebacktothispaintingandreworkiteveryyearorso.Myinjuredloverisstillinjured,probablyalwayswillbe.Andit’snotreallyaprimaryselfyet.Istillforgetaboutitoften,andsometimesIwishitwasn’tthereatall.Butitis,andIknowthatcaringforthispartofmeiscentralpartofmyhealing.ThisworkremindstheJudgethatthereisnobeast,noevil,justavulnerableandhurtloverthatneedsourcare.Thiskeepsmetogether,often.

Andfinally,camethepenultimatecreative,healingideafromAndrew.Thisonewasahumdinger.

Andrewaskedmesomethingstrange:

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

Iwonderifthereisanyonewhocouldjob-sharewiththejudge?Youknow,sohe’snotsoalone?Couldyoucreate

anothervoicetoworkwiththeJudge?

IsaidI’dthinkaboutit.Frankly,Ithoughtitwaswhacky.

ButIrespectedAndrewsomuchthatIhadtogiveitsomethought.Plus,itwassowhacky,andsosubversive,soutterlytheoppositeofwhatanyonehadeversuggested,soobviouslysomethingthatIknewwouldmakemypsychiatristimmediatelyalarmed,thatitjustkindofcharmedme.Tobehere,stuckinapsychward,hearingvoices,andcontemplatingcreatinganewvoicetohelpme.Bloodynuts.Iwasgoingtotryit.

AfterAndrewleftIfeltenergised.Ihadworktodo:SecretRecoveryBusiness.IdismantledthesuicideplanthatI’dpreviouslyputintoaction.Imadeacommitmenttolife.

Thetaskofcreatinganewvoice

AllnightIthoughtaboutcreatingapalforthejudge.Ineededsomerelieffromhim,andthemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreitmadesensetohaveatleasttwojudgestosharetheload,ratherthanonetired,furiousoldman.

Butwhocouldthisnewvoicebe?

InitiallyIwantedtocreatetheDalaiLamaasanewvoice.Ialwaysthoughtheseemedtoradiatepeaceandacceptance,heseemedanaturalcounter-balancetotheJudge.ButIdidn’twantanothermaninmyhead.

Itossedandturned,tryingtothinkofawomanwhorepresentswisdomandkindness.WhoIcouldtrusttomaketherightdecision.Whowasinnatelygood.

Andfinallyitcametome.

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

Iknow,dearreader,thatthiswillsoundinordinatelycheesyandmaydiminishmeinyoureyes.Ihopeyouunderstand.

MrsIngallsfrommyfavouritechildhoodTVshow,‘LittleHouseonthePrairie’.

ItwasMrsIngalls.ThemotherfrommyfavouritechildhoodTVshow,‘LittleHouseonthePrairie’.Look,Iknowsheisnotcool.ButIwasnotinacoolplace;Iwaslosingmymindandtryingtostayalive.AndMrsIngalls,well,shemademefeelsafe.Stilldoes,actually.Sostickwithme.MrsIngallsisdabomb.

Likemostkids,televisiongavemeanotherworldtoescapeinto.Foratime,myfavouriteplacetoescapewasintotheworldofLittleHouseonthePrairie.Thiswesternfamilydramawasastapleforheapsof70skids(itwaseitherthisorTheWaltons),anditwouldprobablybelaughedoffthescreenstoday.

Itsmoralsweresimple,itscharacterswerestereotypesandeverythingalwaysworkedoutintheend.Itwasnothinglikemyreallife,oranyoneelse’s,andIlovedittobits.

IwastornbetweenchildishadorationofbothsistersintheIngallsfamily:MaryandLaura.IaspiredtoMary’skindheartandstudiouscommitment,Ireallydid,butultimatelyIwouldguiltilyidentifymorewithyoungersisterLaura’sindependentspiritandwildadventures.Probablyjustlikeeveryotherkidgluedtotheshow.

Sometimes,whenIwaslittle,IwishedthatIwaspartoftheIngallsfamily,evenwiththeirdirtfloorandwornoutclothes.MrsIngallswasgentleandwise,CharlesIngallswasstrongandprotective,andtheywerealwaysthereforeachother.Everyepisodehitthislittlefamilywithanewhardship,andeveryepisodetheybattledtheirwayoutofit,together.Everybattlegaveusalessonaboutcourage,ortenacity,orsacrifice,orkindness.

Thoseofuswhogrewupwiththislittlegemofashowmayrememberaparticularstandoutepisode.MrsIngallswasinatthegeneralstore,planningtobuysomepractical,hard-wearingandcheapcottonforanewSundaydress.Buttheobnoxious,loud-mouthedMrsOlsen,proprietressofthegeneralstore,andvillainthatwealllovedtohate,wasinform.ShewassoutterlypatronisingtoMrsIngallsaboutwhatwassuitableforawomanofhermeansthatMrsIngallsgaveintoherpride,andboughtalengthoffancyfabricfarbeyondthefamilybudget.Itwasoutofcharacterforher.Inthislittleworld,itwasshocking.Charles,herhusband,wasofcourseforgiving,butyoucouldseethestrainpullingattheedgeofhischiselledmanlyfeatures.Seehimthinkingabouthowmuchmoretimberhe’dhavetomillandhowmanymorefieldshe’dhavetoplant,justtopayforthispieceofprettynonsense.

Lateonenight,asMrsIngallsstitchedawayatherinappropriatefloralbluedressbythelightofheroillamp,andeveryoneelseslumberedintheiroff-kilterhandmadebeds,wesawherrealisewhatshehaddone.Howpridehadmadeherforgetherfamily.Shestayedupallnightsewing,whilewelistenedtodramaticmusic,andwhenthegirlsgotupthenextmorningandclimbeddowntheladderfromtheiratticbedroom,loandbehold:twolittledresseshadbeensewninthenight–oneeachforLauraandMary.Theywouldhavetheprettiestdressesofallthegirlsinthetownship.MrsIngallsfoundawaytoturnhererrorofjudgementintoagiftforhergirls.HowcouldyounotadoreMrsIngalls?

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

ThiswasthewomanIthoughtcouldhelpsaveme.InmanywaysshewastheoppositeofeverythingthattheJudgedidandsaid.But,liketheJudge,shehadstrongmoralsandshealwaysfoundawayoutofanyproblem.Shewasperfect.

ThenextdayIgrabbedasheetofbrightyellowcardboardfromtheartroom,andfoldeditintwo,lengthwise.OntheleftsideIwrote:‘TheJudge’.OntherightIwrote‘MrsIngalls’.Andforthenexttwodaysitwentwithmeeverywhere.Foldedandunfolded,againandagain.AndeverytimetheJudgemadeacomment,pronouncementororder,Iwouldwriteitdowninhiscolumn.AndthenIwouldaskMrsIngallsforheropinion,andwritethatdowntoo.

Ididn’thearMrsIngallsinthewaythatIheardtheJudge.Ididn’tactuallycreateanewvoice,notreally.ButIknew,instinctivelyandinstantly,whatherresponsewouldbe.Igrewupwiththatshow,andMrsIngallswasingrainedintomyinnerchild.

So,theJudgewouldsaysomethinglike,filthywhore,youhavetodie.AndthenMrsIngallswouldsay,MydarlingIndigo,theseareveryhardwords,andIdon’tbelievethemandIwon’tusethem.Weallhavegoodnessinus.Youmustlive,andfocusonyourgoodness.

Itwasastrangeexperience,butitgavemestrength.Ididn’ttellmydoctorsaboutitthough—admittingtopsychiatriststhatonehasinventedanewvoiceinordertomakesenseofanexistingvoiceisnotahelpfulwaytogetdischarged.Well,notyet,anyway.

Inawayitdidhelpmegetdischarged,eventhoughno-oneelseknewit.BecauseithelpedmetostartrelatingtotheJudgeinawhollydifferent,andkinderway.CreatinganinternalMrsIngallsawakenedthecompassionatepartofmyself.Itdidn’tstoptheJudge.Itdidn’tchangethecontentofwhathesaid,orhowhesaidit.ButitbegantochangehowIfeltaboutwhattheJudgesaid.Itbegantochangemyresponses,too.

OneafternoonIgotleavetogoandseemyprivatepsychologist.ItalkedtohimabouthowIwastryingtofindmorecompassionformyvoice,withouttoomuchdetailabouttheprocess.SoheloanedmeabookbyThichNhatHanh,calledAnger:Wisdomforcoolingtheflames.

Thisbookwasanotherrevelation.Ididn’tagreewithallofit.Andsomedaysthecalm,poeticbeautyofThichNhatHanh’swritingmademewanttopunchhislightsout(Iwasnot,obviously,inacalm,poeticorbeautifulplaceorstateofmind).Buttherewasaninnatewisdominhiswords.HiswritinggavemeextratoolstofindcompassionfortheJudge.

IbegantovisualizetheJudgeasanangry,screamingbabyindistress.AndIwouldholdmyhandtoforehead,thewaythatamotherdoestoasickchild,thewaythatMrsIngallswould,andwhispertotheJudge,Iloveyou,Ihearyou,Iknowyouarehurting,Iknowyouonlywantmetobegood.

Gettingfreeofhospitalandontomyhealingpath

Betweenthecompassionatecreativityofapeerwhoworkedwithmeratherthanonme,thekindwordsofanimaginarywomanfromlatenineteenthcenturymidwestAmerica,andthecompassionateactionsinspiredbythewordsofanexiledVietnameseBuddhistmonkpoet,Ifoundwaystostophurtingmyself.

Ifoundthefragileedgeofcompassionandclutchedontoitwithmyfingernails.Ididn’treallyfeelittruly.Itwasjustatinybeginning.Asingleicecube,totteringinaseaofwild,storminglava.Butitwasenough.

KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016

ItwasenoughthatIstoppedself-harming.ItwasenoughthatImadeadecisiontokeepgoingonmyhealingjourney,butwithsomenewstrategies.ItwasenoughthatImadeadecisiontogetoutofthishospitalhellsoIcouldfindnewpeoplewhowouldunderstandandworkwithmetohelpunderstandmytrauma.ItwasenoughformetocarefullyworkoutwhatIhadtodoinordertogetdischarged,andthendoit.

Istoppedcomplainingaboutmydiagnosesandpills.IkeptastraightfacewhileIsaidthatIthoughtthepillsmustbemakingthingsclearerforme.Itoldthepsychiatristthat,onreflection,shewasright.Iwantedtogetbacktowork,toputthisbusinessbehindme.ShewasrighttosaythatIshouldn’ttalkaboutmypastanymore.Isatdownintheartroomandwroteupafakerecoveryplan,andfilleditwithloadsofstuffthatIknewthepsychiatristwouldapproveof.Iwilltakeupsomeofmyoldhobbiestokeepbusy.IwilldistractmyselfwhenIthinkofthepast.Iwillaskmytherapisttodoarefresherwithmeoncopingskills.Iwillputaposteronmyfridgetoremindmetotakemypills.IwillstaywithfriendsorfamilyonceaweeksoIdon’tgetisolated.Iwilltakethingsslowly.Actually,Ididdothelasttwothings.

Ishowedthepsychiatristandshebeamed.Ithinkmygrademovedfroma‘C’toa‘B+’.Wearemakinggreatprogress,Indigo.Ithinkwecanstarttoplanyourdischarge.

InlessthanaweekIhadatrialstayathomewithoutincident.ThenIwasoutofhospital.AfewoutreachvisitsfromanursewhereIwascarefultosaythingsthatwould‘demonstrateinsight’.Imadesuretoaskforadviceabouthowtoremembertotakemypillsbecause‘sometimesI’mforgetful’.Forsomereason,servicesseemtobemuchlesscontrollingofuswhenweactlesscompetent,showlessconfidence,andaskfortheirhelp.

Then,whenIwasfreeofitall,oneofthefirstthingsIdidwastofindmyselfaspecialistsexualassaultcounsellor,ataservicecalledCASA(CentresAgainstSexualAssault).Itwasafreeservice,anditwasextraordinary.Fulloffeministsandfreedomandcreativecompassionandalmostthecompleteoppositeofapsychiatricward.Thesecondwastoslowlyreduceandthenstoptakingtheantipsychoticpills.IneededtobeabletothinkandtofeelifIwasgoingtodothistraumawork.

Myactionswerethecompleteoppositeofthepsychiatrist’smedicaladvice.AndeventhoughIhadbeenofficiallynuts,itturnedoutthatIwasstillright.Thisdidindeedbecomeapathofhealingforme,andIneverwentbacktohospitalorapsychiatristagain.

IwillbeforevergratefulforthatvisitfromAndrew.Thepsychiatricsystemhadfailedme,utterly.Ithadfailedtolistentowhatmatteredtome.Ithadfailedtoeventryandseemyexperiencethroughmyeyes.Ithadfailedinbeingtrauma-informed,recoveryorientedorperson-centred.Ithadtriedtocontrolmeandlimitmeanddrugme.ButIwaslucky.Ifoundsomeonewhoheardmeandpartneredwithme.Whoofferedcompassioninsteadofclinicalobjectivity,andencouragedcreativityinsteadofcompliance.

Thereisapartofmystorythatstillgnawsatme.Myhealingandfreedomwereamatterofluck,notdesign.Almostno-onegetsthekindofopportunitythatIwasgiventhatday.Andalmosteverydayofmylife,IthinkaboutallthethousandsofpeopleinpsychiatricserviceswhowillnevergetavisitfromsomeonelikeAndrew,whowillnevergetthekindofcompassionandcreativitythatenabledmetofindmyhope,myfreedomandmyhealingpath.Whatwillhappentothem?