Post on 02-Dec-2014
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2. When you are in a relationship with someone with BPD, it can
be confusing. It sometimes feels as if youre navigating a maze-game
and one false move or word causes an explosion of rage. People
sometimes describe it as walking on eggshells.
3. BPD is chiefly an emotional regulation disorder. While there are
other aspects to the disorder, the emotional system of a person
with BPD is easily upset. A person with BPD will react strongly and
with negative emotions to triggers, real or perceived, in the
environment. The biggest trigger of these emotions is interpersonal
relationship events.
4. A person with BPD has a more sensitive emotional alarm system
than others do. It is as if your alarm is set at 80 F and theirs is
set at 50 F. Their alarm goes off more often than yours. Yet, they
still feel as if the alarm is real, even if it seems like a false
alarm to you.
5. A person with BPD will usually react naturally to the emotions
that they feel. Sometimes you might feel as though the reaction is
an over-reaction. However, it is normal if a person is feeling a
strong emotion.
Normal/Natural Emotional Reactions
6. The carousel of BPD includes emotional dysregulation, shame,
impulsivity and a preoccupation with attachment relationships. Each
feature can increase the velocity of the others, causing rage,
desperation and depression.
7. If youre anything like me (or like I was before I started down a
path to healing), youre a fixer. You want problems solved
immediately. Yet, the piece of the puzzle that youve been missing
is that emotional problems are not solvable using logic.
8. In fact, an emotional person doesnt really WANT you to solve the
problem. They want to be HEARD. They want someone to understand how
they feel. They become frustrated with you when you offer advice or
invalidate their emotional reactions. This presentation will teach
you a simple skill to stop invalidating how they feel.
9. First, a few things NOT to do when your loved one comes to you
in a highly emotional state. Do NOT:
10. Do NOT:
11. OK, so what am I supposed to do?
Understand that your loved one is feeling something. That feeling
is real and unpleasant. The problem is not that they are irrational
or the content of the issue. The problem is that they feel bad.
Empathize with the person. See the world through their current
emotional eyes.
12. Then, use the I-AM-MAD emotional communication skill.
I identify that theres an emotion
A ask a validating question
M make a validating statement
M make a normalizing statement
A analyze consequences
D dont solve the problem
13. I identify that theres an emotion
It's best to do this with "feeling" words, like "look", "see", or
"sound", rather than know" or "understand.
Examples:
I see that you are frustrated.
You sound aggravated.
You look really upset.
14. A ask a validating question
This encourages them to share their feelings about whatever
triggered them.Do not use whats wrong?If you use "what's wrong?"
they will hear "what's wrong with YOU?"
Examples:
What happened? (most effective because it is open-ended, requires
more than yes/no answer)
Did something go wrong at work [school] today?
Want to talk about it?
15. M make a validating statement
Validate the feelings expressed.This helps reinforce that it is
natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the situation.
Dont defend against blaming or projecting.
Examples:
"Wow, it must have made you feel hurt."
"Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is taking
advantage of you."
"Yeah, that's really disappointing."
16. M make a normalizing statement
By relating the situation as common to all people or normal for
them, this helps alleviate their stress about feeling judged or
unaccepted.
Examples:
"I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that."
"I would feel the same way if that happened to me."
I can see why you feel that way.
17. A analyze consequences
By examining the consequences of both negative and positive
behavior with the person, you help them to separate their emotional
reaction from their behavior. The behavior may need to be changed,
but the emotions are natural and should not be punished.
Examples:
When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset
too.However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you have respect
for me, so I am able to listen to you better.
18. D dont solve the problem
Solving ones own problems helps to build self-confidence.Empower
the person by getting them to come up with a solution
themselves.When given the opportunity in a non-judgmental setting,
most people will find that they can come up with solutions to their
problems.
Examples:
How would you like to handle this?
What would help you make a better choice next time?
What do you feel like doing?
19. Its that simple. But it takes PRACTICE and HONESTY. If you dont
feel it, it will not work. Instead it will feel fake to the other
person.
Adapted from When Hope is Not Enough by Bon Dobbs. Visit:
www.anythingtostopthepain.com