HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

What is a difficult person?Who is a difficult person?

• What is and is not a difficult person• General steps to manage difficult people• Dealing with difficult employees/subordinates• Dealing with a “tough” boss• Dealing with difficult co-workers (no supervisory

authority over them)• Dealing with difficult behaviors

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Our approach

• Let’s do some thinking……How do you define a difficult person?

• Who is a difficult person in your life (don’t give us names)?• What characteristics/behaviors/attitudes make that person

difficult?• What makes you difficult?• What are your biggest problems in the workplace re: difficult

people?• What are the consequences in the workplace of your

difficult person?

Exercise

“Define the person as a problem and you’re in trouble. Define it as a behavior and you can do something.”

Ken Cloke, Joan Goldsmith authors of Resolving Conflicts at Work.

Person or Behavior

Perhaps we need to change how we interact with difficult people rather than react to them.

If you can predict it, you can plan for it.

Easier said than done?

React or Interact

• Attitude or behavior detrimentally affects the organization

• Usually aware of behavior• Not someone you simply dislike• Not always their behavior, but your perception of their

behavior.

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What is a difficult person?

• What role does your leadership/management style have in the situation?

• What about your corporate/departmental culture?• What about other differences like gender,

generational, age, etc.?

What about circumstances?

• Are different, not difficult• Don’t have a clue• Are stuck in the past• Stuck in emotional kindergarten• Have low self-esteem• Are having a bad _____• Holding onto beliefs• Want too much

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Some Difficult People:

• Are substance abusers• Are mentally ill• Sick and tired• Are malicious (a few)• ‘Evil’ (desire to cause harm with no remorse)

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Some Difficult People:

• Driven by the need to control their environment• A need to stir things up and push your buttons• Behavior gets what he/she wants without

consequences• Wants validation and wants to be listened to• Doesn’t have boundaries and wants/needs them

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What motivates a difficult person?

• High turnover rate• Decline in productivity• Lowered employee morale• Others?

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How does a Difficult Person affect an organization?

• Resolving conflict is a process to create immediate results

• Managing difficult person is long-term due to time necessary to change behavior

• If you change behavior, thinking usually follows• May not solve all problems – and that’s okay

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Differences between resolving conflict and managing a Difficult Person

• Myth 1: Difficult people are always opportunistic• Myth 2: Difficult people can’t change• Myth 3: You can always give them the cold shoulder• [Is it okay to call them difficult people? Or should we

say “we can change difficult behaviors”?]

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Dealing with Difficult People (3 big myths)

• Do nothing• Change the person• Change your behavior• Understand the behavior and then decide how to

handle• [Let’s discuss other options in relation to “types.”]

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Everyone’s Options

• Assess the situation• Identify the difficult personality type• Address the person (will discuss tactics)• Monitor the person

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Steps to Manage a DP

Ah, Dilbert

• Is the person truly difficult? Is it a behavior? Or is it just the situation that brings out the worst?

• What are your hot buttons? • Do you ever push the buttons of others? If so, why?

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Assess the situation

• How? Determine:• When behavior began• Exact nature of behavior• Potential reasons• Behavior’s affect on productivity

Assess the Situation

What role does corporate/department culture play? What about leadership/management style?

Assess the Situation

• [Not the behavior, per se, but the personality type]• Hostile-aggressive individuals• Withdrawn individuals• Egotistical individuals• Deceitful individuals• Super-Agreeable• Indecisive

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Identify the difficult personality type

Calm hostile-aggressive individuals Involve withdrawn individuals Focus on needs of egotistical individuals Ask deceitful, super-agreeable and indecisive

individuals probing questions Might also ask indecisive individuals what his/her

spouse or good friend would do Other suggestions? [Behaviors are coming up and we

will discuss overall tactics shortly]

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Address the person

• Why? Keep track of improvements in behavior• Meet with the person periodically• Check in regularly with the person and comment

favorably on any improvements

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Monitor the person

• Slackers/Procrastinators• Chronic Complainers• Rebels• Uncivil Subordinates• Intentional troublemakers• Others?

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Dealing with Difficult Subordinates/Direct Reports

• “I’ll get it done” or “it’s on my list” people• Strategy: Highlight commitment in such a way that it has to

be taken seriously• Commitment in writing• Select strange deadlines• Make time management a formal part of review

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Slackers

• Strategy: Don’t fight the trait-point it in the other direction

• Highlight when complaint actually proves productive• Ask for help in area of your choosing• Ask ‘complainer’ to report discrepancies to you

confidentially – not to everybody

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Chronic Complainers

• Strategy: Give them the chance to do it ‘their way’ (within reason)

• In trade for a little freedom, gain commitment to behave by the rules in other areas (especially communication)

• Don’t dictate how to do it – observe what happens when you let them do what they want

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Rebels

• Strategy: You must set and maintain appropriate limits in verbal communication

• Praising skills and traits you hope to improve• Setting appropriate personalized goals – informal and in

writing• Maintaining clear limits• Re-assign to different physical area

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Uncivil Subordinates

• Chatty neighbor• The slanderer• The “best friend”• The “thief”• The “secret agent”• The “clinger”

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Dealing with a Difficult Co-Worker (other types)

• Won’t ask for help• Messy desk• Can’t say no• Latecomer/tardy individual

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Dealing with a Difficult Co-Worker (other types)

• Focus on Relationship – NOT personality – list what’s important

• Strategies to help a boss who:• Doesn’t know what to do• Is manipulative• Is emotional and acts out

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Building a Relationship with a ‘Tough’ Boss

• Change your reaction to them• Person worth getting upset over?• Destructive behavior?• Truly affecting me or am I letting it get to me?• Can I let person’s behavior go and go on?

• Do you have fears in dealing with behaviors?• Are you the only one who struggles?• What are your hot button issues?• What involvement do you have?• Why is this behavior difficult for you?

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Dealing with a Difficult Person

• Understand the other person• Take a deep breath and really listen…and body language too• Do not argue your position• Repeat back to ensure you understand his/her perspective• Ask questions to clarify anything• Cite specific examples and avoid inclusive statements like “you

always …..”• Pay attention to your words….• Make specific note of the change you want and the

consequences• Note the behavior, not the person• Request feedback

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Dealing with a Difficult Person

• Influence his/her attitude• State specifically (non-confrontational) how behavior has

affected you – Use “I” “You” statements• Do not place blame or fault• Focus on preventing the problem from recurring in the future• Keep your cool

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Dealing with a Difficult Person

• Act instead of react (do you know it’s coming)• Maintain your boundaries • Don’t fall into negativity trap (allow venting for a

specific time)• Is it personal and are you taking it that way?• Don’t necessarily agree and don’t stay silent• Solve the problem (even cut them off)

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Dealing with a Difficult Person

• Resolve the problem• Discuss the cause and effect of the problem behavior and

ways to deal with it• Ask questions to get information• Remember, you can’t change personalities, only your reaction• Are there others in the office who might reach out?

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Dealing with a Difficult Person

• Recover and go on• Once problem is addressed, don’t hold a grudge• Don’t mention it again; move on• Dwelling on it only causes you stress and frustration

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Dealing with a Difficult Person

• Questions, comments?

What else can we do?