Men are from MarsWomen are from Venus

Labor & Employment Relations Association

Wisconsin Chapter

November 3, 2009

Most research on negotiations assumes “male” negotiation conduct is good and “female” style is a deficit.

Or, at a minimum, assumes “male” negotiation conduct is the norm.

Underlying Preconceived Notion

• Men and women have a great deal to learn from each other

• Effective negotiation skills are those that can adapt to different situations, personalities and achieve goals while maintaining integrity

• Gender expectations rather than documented differences may be at play

Presenter’s Rebuttal

Conversation Framework

• Perspectives on women’s negotiation style

• Perspectives on men’s negotiation style• Conversation• Resource References

The presumed culture of Venus• Non competitive• Malleable• Avoiding or conflict adverse• Accommodating

Gender as a Culture

The presumed culture of Mars• Competitive• Rigid / Uncompromising• Aggressive • Goal oriented

Gender as a Culture

• Women do not ask for what they want• Women do not manage conflict well• Women do not take risks• Women are more likely to feel apprehension

about negotiating• Many adult women say they never negotiate

even if it is appropriate

Conventional Assumptions - Women

Conventional Assumptions - Men

• Men aggressively pursue what they want• Men relish conflict• Men value risk taking• Men are naturally comfortable negotiating• Men assume everything is negotiable

• Women are more collaborative [concerned with the relationship/win-win]

• Women are more apt to accommodate the other party in a negotiation

• When a negotiation gets heated women are more likely to withdraw [conflict adverse vs. waste of time]

• Women may be better skilled at business negotiations

Reality - Women

• Women do focus on relationships as an independent but related issue

• Women do adapt methods / tactics more easily

• Women do listen more effectively than men

Reality - Women

• Women are great “active listeners” and care about the concerns of the other side

• Women are more interested in finding a “win-win” solution

• Women are more concerned with substance & creating an agreement in which both parties experience a positive outcome

Reality - Women

Reality – Men

• Men value zero-sum (win/lose)• Men view accommodation as a loss• Men dive in when negotiations heat up• Men may be better at reaching quick

results

Reality – Men

• Relationships are distinct from the negotiation dynamic

• Men adapt to new situations but less nimbly than women

• Men are concerned with the distribution of results

Reality – Men

• Men plan their next statement more than they listen

• Men prefer to stick to their game plan• Men can adjust as long as they “win”

Controls Emotions

Women 10.5 Men 10.7

Displays Emotions

Women 13.5 Men 13.3

High Assertiveness

Women 11.5 Men 13.3

Low Assertiveness

Women 12.5 Men 10.8

Communication Style Profile

Defeat

Women 18.92 Men 19.99

Collaborative

Women 35.37 Men 35.16

Accommodate

Women 32.62 Men 31.38

Withdraw

Women 24.76 Men 22.74

Compromise

Women 28.39 Men 27.41

Negotiation Style Profile

“Women perform better when negotiating on behalf of others than they do when negotiating for themselves ”

Dina W. Pradel [Program on

Negotiation, Harvard]

Reality

Social Structure & Cultural NormsWomen

• Aggressiveness is taboo• Caretakers, not risk takers• Shift in norms more easily than men• Ask questions / information gathers• Use passive rather than active verbs• Objective is two-fold: rapport & goals

Social Structure & Cultural NormsMen

• Aggressiveness is preferred behavior• Are risk takers• Play the “zero sum” game• Are tellers, not askers• Relationships are secondary• Objective is singular in focus: Goal

oriented

How Women Approach Negotiations

• Thorough preparation• Establish rapport early on in initial

conversations• Build towards a collaborative approach• Multiple acceptable scenario outcomes• Effective as an advocate for others

How Men Approach Negotiations

• A high level of preparation• Establish casual rapport, e.g. sports• Start with a distributive approach• Hierarchical acceptable scenario

outcomes• Advocate for themselves well

Gender & Generations• Traditional gender assumptions are

being challenged by the alphabet generations

• Alphabet generations assert they are overcoming stereotypes

• Little research on this, but what does exist notes minor difference between generations

Negotiation Styles & Context

• Men and women analyze things differently [qualitative vs. quantitative]

• Women’s styles vary within negotiations more often than men’s

• Competition with men is “business as usual’ with women it can become personal

Neutralizing Gender Differences

Anticipate gender related triggers

Be aware of situations that may trigger gender stereotypes or role expectations

Do your homework

Learn as much as you can about what is possible and ask for whatever you need

Neutralizing Gender Differences

Create transparency

Clarify the range of issues that are up for negotiation

Articulate performance expectations

Clearly state performance goals. Setting high but reasonable aspirations is good for all negotiators

Neutralizing Gender Differences

Be mindful of the role of gender-based expectations (about self and others)

Does our expectation of a certain dynamic cause us to modify our own behavior?

Your Observations/Questions

• Thank you for your participation.• Please feel free to share any

observations or pose any questions you may have.

Resources

• Silverstein, Cary., Three-part series regarding gender differences in negotiations, “The Gender Guard” (Small BizTimes, September 10, 2008), “Gender Mender” (Small BizTimes, October 17, 2008), and “Women Deal with Conflict Differently than Men” (Small BizTimes, November 14, 2008).

• Tannen, Deborah, “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation” (Ballentine Books) 1990 and “Talking form 9 to 5: Men and Women at Work” (Avon) 2004.

Resources

• Conner, Michael G. “Understanding the Difference Between Men and Women,” 1999 (published in Take it or Leave It, (May 2006).

• Babcock, Linda and Sara Laschever, “Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide,” (Princeton University Press) 2003.

Resources

• Fisher, Robert and William Ury, “Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In” (Penguin Press) 1981.

• Calhoun, Patrick S. and William Smith, “Integrative Bargaining: Does Gender Make a Difference?” International Journal of Conflict Management. (1999).

Cary SilversteinSMA, LLC & The Negotiation Edge

414 -352-5140 Office, 414-403-2942 CellCsilve1013@aol.com

• Heads a group of local consultants that provide negotiations, conflict resolution program development services, strategic planning, marketing, market research, and drug & alcohol screening programs.

• Senior faculty member at DeVry University / Keller Graduate School in Milwaukee and Waukesha since 1989. Facilitates classes in labor /management relations, employment law and negotiations.

• Has published numerous articles as the SBT Company Doctor in the areas of family succession planning, negotiation and conflict resolution in The Small Business Times, Yahoo.com and numerous international periodicals.

• Serves as the Vice President for Management for the Labor & Employment Relations Association’s Wisconsin chapter

• Member of the MMAC’s COSBE Board of Directors and leads COSBE CEO Group 10.

Virginia Finn JDAthlone Consulting LLC414 -698-3109 Office / Cell

VRFinn@sbcglobal.net

• Ginny has over two decades of business and tax exempt organization experience, with emphasis on management and employment issues in the fields of healthcare,higher education and the arts.

• Provides counsel and project implementation services to philanthropists and tax exempt organizations and the allied professionals serving them, financial advisors, attorneys, and trust services.

• Also serves as the Executive Director of ABCD: After Breast Cancer Diagnosis a Wisconsin-based organization providing free, personalized information and one-to-one support to people affected by breast cancer. 

• Ginny is a graduate of Coe College, Purdue University and the University of Wisconsin Law School, where she was a member of the Law Review and served as President of the Moot Court Board.