Friendship Groups and Bullying

Dr. Ruth M. MacConville09.10.2018

Aims of the Session:

to explore:

• The importance of friendship for mental health and well-being

• The 2 different sorts of popularity

• How to support children’s friendships

• The influence of social media

• Bullying and how to manage it

Positive Psychology = Science of

Happiness

Our brains are wired to connect• When we are socially connected we are happier, healthier

and better citizens.

• Ignoring social connections harms our individual, family, community, organisational and national well-being.

• Increasing our social connections is probably the most single, powerful way to enhance our well-being.

• Social support and connection can buffer us against the stress of difficult times in our lives.

• Having a poor social network is literally as bad for our health as smoking two packs of cigarettes each day.

Lieberman, 2013

Sticks and Stones

The brain is wired to respond to social pain and pleasure in the same way as it responds to physical pain and pleasure

Lieberman, 2013

Words can Hurt

• Making fun of someone

• Verbal abuse

• Foul language

• Negative criticism

• Words can hurt more than actions even though it doesn’t hurt you physically, it will hurt you mentally.

The Newcastle Personality Assessor (NPA)

• Extraversion

• Neuroticism

• Conscientiousness

• Agreeableness

• Openness

The two types of popularity

• Likeability

• Status

Likeability

• Those we feel close to and trust

• The people who make us feel happy when we spend time with them

Status

Not a measure of how well liked a person is but rather of his/her:

• dominance

• visibility

• power

• influence

Can parents help their children to be more

likeable?

And should they?

A Positive Self-Image

• I have (family and friends)

• I am (character strengths and values)

• I can (competences)

• I like (interests and hobbies )

Grotberg, 1997

The Marshmallow Test

The most likeable children are those who are:

• helpful, share and follow the rules,

• generally well-adjusted,

• smart (but not too smart),

• usually in a good mood,

• able to hold a conversation

• give others a turn to speak

• creative, especially at solving awkward social dilemmas.

• they don’t disrupt the group.

Increasing children’s likeability:

• Shaping

• Coaching

• Modelling

• Social Transmission

• Power of Salutation

• Social Contagion

• Active Constructive Responding

• Spontaneous Trait Transference

• 3:1 positive to negative ratio

• Peak and End Rule

Non-verbal Behaviour

Dysemmia

Sarah Jane Blakemore (11.01 – 14.15)

The Adolescent’s Brain:

becomes super charged to care about status:

• who is getting the most attention

• who seems the most powerful and influential

• who everyone wants to look at the most

The status kind of popularity, can be bad for you if you are not also likeable

The behaviours that adolescents may use to obtain status

• Aggressiveness, being easily angered

• Disregarding the feelings of others

• Selfishness

• Excessive competitiveness, the need to win

• Easily frustrated by others and find it hard to let go of things that have gone wrong

Once high status adolescents grow up, they are at much greater risk of:

• Being lonely

• Getting sacked

• Breaking up with their partner (s)

• Suffering from addiction

Status & Social Media• The purpose of social media is often to collect as

many followers as possible, to be as visible and as influential as possible

• The excessive use of online communication during key periods of development can undermine the social skills that are supposed to be developed in adolescence.

• Adolescent boys who communicate with their girl friends mostly through social media , grow up to be less skilled at basic relationship skills e.g. how to resolve conflict or express relationship needs.

The Three Promises

The Rule of Three

Our Better Selves

• The online world has the potential to turn adolescents into chronic status-seekers

• To avoid this high status adolescents must make sure that they are also likeable

• Spending as much time having really honest friendships as they do maintaining their reputation

Help teens to become more likeable

• Talk about the difference between likeability and status.

• Let teens know that status seeking popularity may feel good in the moment but it might mean depression and poor health later in life

• Getting lost in the pursuit of status may come with sacrificing relationships that matter

• Challenge girls to think about why they like someone. Is it because they like being around her because she is powerful?

• Give teens good reasons to take status off its pedestal.

Social Media Literacy

1. Remind teens that most posts are carefully curated to show the best possible self-portrayal. So there’s no point comparing themselves with what popular peers post on line; it may not be real

2. Their off line experiences should not just be regarded as fodder for enhancing their online profiles.

3. Adults are now online as much as youth so must be careful about unintentional reinforcement of the message that status is worth vying for.

4. Explain that status increases risk for life-long difficulties, teach empathy.

Bullying

• The desire for status can involve bullying.

• Although some anti-bullying measures are effective at reducing peer victimization it still exists.

• The increase in incidents of cyberbullying – by mobile, e-mail and on websites – is now as common as name-calling.

• What’s needed is an equal focus on enabling children to cope with those moments when they will be teased, excluded or bad –mouthed by their peers.

• Attributional Style

The Growth Mindset

Dweck, 2006

Beware! The Negativity Bias

The 3 Ps

• We plant the seeds of resilience in the way that we process negative events.

• Seligman found that the 3 Ps can stunt

the development of resilience:

1. Personalization

2. Pervasiveness

3. Permanence (Seligman, 1991)

Learning Your ABCsActivating Event, Belief, Consequence• Activating Event: the objective (not subjective)

facts of the situation,

– Who, What, Where, When

• Belief: your immediate belief about the situation

– Why it happened and what will happen next?

• Consequence:

– Your feelings and behaviour related to these beliefs.

Our Thoughts Become Beliefs

• When we encounter an activating event, we react by thinking about the situation.

• Our thoughts become our beliefs.

• Beliefs can become so habitual we don’t even think about them.

• Beliefs have consequences; they are the direct causes of what we feel and what we do next.

Learn to Interrupt this Vicious Cycle

• Learn to see the connection between the ABCs

• Consider how the ABCs operate in your everyday life

• Our beliefs spell the difference between dejection and giving up or a sense of well-being and constructive action

Bounce Back• Bad times don’t last. Things usually get better.

• Other people can help if you talk to them. Get a reality check.

• Unhelpful thinking makes you more upset. Nobody is perfect –not you and not others. Concentrate on the positives (no matter how small) and use laughter.

• Everybody experiences sadness, hurt, failure, rejection and setbacks sometimes, not just you. They are a normal part of life. Try not to personalise them.

• Blame fairly. How much of what happened was due to you, to others and to bad luck or circumstances?

• Accept what can’t be changed (but try to change what you can first).

• Catastrophising exaggerates our worries. Don’t believe the worst possible picture. Keep things in perspective. Its only part of your life.

How to help your child manage their social life

1. Don’t worry so much. Remember you gave your child a sociable start in life.

2. Recognise the crucial difference between friendship and popularity

3. Support your child’ friendships

4. Make your child’s friends welcome in your house

5. Be a good friendship role model

6. Provide your child with a range of friendship and group opportunities

7. Make friends with the parents of your child’ friends and enemies

8. Empathise with your child’s pain, but keep it in perspective

9. Know where your child stands in the group. If your child in trouble socially, step in to help. If your child is popular, help him or her to be a moral, likeable leader.

10. Take the long view

Success

Thanks for listening!

Key References • Dweck, C., S., 2006, Mindset: The New Psychology of

Success, New York, Ballantine Books

• Grotberg, E., 1997, A Guide to Promoting Resilience in Children; Strengthening the Human Spirit, International Resilience Project.

• Seligman, M., et al, The Optimistic Child: A Proven programme to Safeguard Children against Depression and Build Life Long Resilience. New York, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing

• Turkle, S., 2015, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a digital age. New York, Bloomsbury

• Lieberman, M.D. 2013, Social, Why our Brains are wired to connect.

Oxford, Oxford University Press

• McGrath, H., & Noble, T., 2003, Bounce Back! London, Pearson

Recommended Reading

*Socialsklz:-) for Success; How to give children the skills they need to thrive in the modern world.

Faye De Muyshondt, Running Press

*Best Friends, Worst Enemies; Children’s friendships, popularity and social cruelty.

Michael Thompson, Catherine O’Neill Grace with Lawrence J. Cohen,

*Talk Time; Teaching Peer Support for Caring and Co-operation.

Ruth M MacConville, & Tina Rae, Paul Chapman Publishing

*How to Make Friends: Building Resilience and Supportive Peer Groups. Ruth MacConville, Sage

*The Gutsy Girl; Escapades for your life of epic adventure,

Caroline Paul, Bloomsbury