Fine Tuning Your FamilyStrategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children

FINE TUNING YOUR FAMILY

•Family Habits•Roles and Rules•Parenting Styles•Dealing with Acts of Resistance•Active Listening Skills•Fair Fighting•Power Struggles

2

Let’s get acquainted …

3

FINE TUNING YOUR FAMILYStrategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children

4

7 Habits of Highly Successful Families(Covey Institute)

5

7 Habits of Highly Successful Families

6

What’s Your Score?

Family Constellations (Alfred Adler)

Is It True What They Say About Birth Order?

• Oldest children are more responsible

• Middle children are shy• Youngest children are

reckless

7

Boundaries

8

Enmeshed (Diffuse) Boundaries

Child

Parent #2

Child

Parent #1

9

Impenetrable (Rigid) Boundaries

Family

Child

Parent #2

Child

Parent #1

10

Permeable (Healthy) Boundaries

Child

Parent #2

Child

Parent #1

11

Triangulation

Parent #2

Child

Parent #1

Allied Against Parent #1

12

Families Roles

FamilyRoles

Hero

Mascot

Scape-goat

LostChild

Über-ResponsibleGreat StudentJr. ParentModel Child

Comic-ReliefPeacemakerCaretakerAverage Student

Problem ChildBlack Sheep of the FamilyResponsible for All Family ProblemsBad Student

The AdjusterAverage StudentOften ForgottenBlends Into The Woodwork

By: Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse

13

Traits of Healthy Families

14

Issue Description

Roles Clearly defined but fluid, changeable

Responsibilities Clearly defined and understood

Intra-familial communication Information is shared as often as possible and is delivered in age appropriate way

Boundaries Clearly defined but permeable, not rigid or enmeshed

Authority Decisions are made by parents with children free to express their preferences

Family cohesion Affection is shared, “family time” is valued and prioritized

Family secrets Very few secrets are “off limits” to talk about inside the family

Discipline Expectations and consequences are clearly understood and consistent

Parenting Styles From: (Love and Logic, Jim Fay)

Helicopter

DrillSergeant

Best Friend

Consultant

15

Are All Behavior Problems Acts of Resistance?

No, not always…

• Developmental Behaviors

• Acts of Resistance

16

It all comes down to…

If the motive is the need for self-determination

Act of Resistance17

Does it mean that I just go with the flow?

----- NO -----

• Redirect the resistance

• Continue to set limits

• Hold student accountable

18

Does it mean that I give up my control entirely?

----- NO -----

•SHARE control with the child.

•Teach age appropriate self-control

19

Does it teach the children that they can always get what they want?

----- NO -----

•Teach how to weigh the costs and benefits of their decisions • Accountable for their decisions

20

Great!So where do we start?

21

Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…

1. Know yourself and your natural instincts

2. Learn to manage your emotional responses

3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power

struggles and how to avoid them

22

The “Fight or Flight” Response

Stressful Incident

FIGHT - Face the incident, get involvedOrFLIGHT—Avoid the incident

23

Someone cuts in line after you have been waiting 20 minutes

What would you do?

24

You are discussing a project with a coworker when he/she becomes irate because of a

decision you made.

What would you do?25

Fight or flight responses can affect communication

Know yourself and your natural instincts

26

Communication Styles

Passive

Passive-AggressiveWhere on this continuum do you

most often find yourself?

27

Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…

1. Know yourself and your natural instincts

2. Learn to manage your emotional responses

3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power

struggles and how to avoid them

28

4 MainEmotions

Glad Sad Mad

DepressedMournful

PessimisticMelancholy

Downtrodden

Scared

HappyElated

HopefulGiddy

Confident

AngryVengefulHurtful

IrateIrritated

WorriedConfusedNervousTerrified

Distrustful

29

Mad

AngryVengeful

IrateIrritated

UnreasonableImpatient

Easily Offended

Sad

DepressedMournful

PessimisticMelancholy

Defeated

Scared

WorriedConfusedNervousTerrified

Distrustful

Anger as a Masking Emotion

Glad

HappyElated

HopefulExcited

30

PracticeRational Detachment!

31

Know Your Buttons

32

Tip:Create a Phony Button

33

Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…

1. Know yourself and your natural instincts

2. Learn to manage your emotional responses

3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power

struggles and how to avoid them

34

3. Learn to argue fairly

Not even the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger.

~Chinese Proverb

35

• Results in fewer hurt feelings and less resentment• Focuses on the immediate need• Allows both participants to keep their dignity• Works toward a solution• Respects the feelings and opinions of both parties• Models this behavior for others to follow• Resolves the argument quicker

Benefits of Fair Fighting

36

Rules for Fair Fighting1. Argue to resolve, not

to win2. Stay in the here-

and-now 3. Use “I” statements4. Be honest and

accurate! 5. Delineate needs and

wants

6. Use good “active listening” skills

7. Use good “customer service” skills

8. Accept every apology offered

9. Be open to compromise

10. Make good use of time-outs when needed

37

1. Argue to resolve, not to winRules for Fair Fighting

38

2. Stay in the here-and-nowRules for Fair Fighting

•Avoid bringing up old, unfinished business.

•Avoid jumping ahead to possible negative outcomes.

39

3. Use “I” statements, andown your feelings and your needs

Rules for Fair Fighting

“I feel ________ when you _______

and I imagine _______.”

(From: Making Healthy Families by Gayle Peterson, PhD)

40

4. Be honest and accurate!

• Stick to the facts

• Don’t exaggerate

Rules for Fair Fighting

41

Rules for Fair Fighting

5. Delineate your Needs from your Wants

Needs• Is it practical?• Does it solve the

problem?• Can you both accept

it?

Wants• Is it fair?• Is it a compromise?• Does it meet only one

person’s needs?

42

6. Use good “active listening” skillsRules for Fair Fighting

AACES for Active Listening

A= Attitude

A= Acknowledge

C= Clarify

E= Emphasize

S= Summarize

43

7. Use quality “customer service” skills

Rules for Fair Fighting

44

8. Accept every apology offered

Rules for Fair Fighting

Oops, sorry, dude. My bad.

Accept every apology the way you would want to be forgiven

45

9. Be open to compromiseRules for Fair Fighting

When BOTH parties get some or most of what they need out of the mediation.

Win-Win

46

10.Make good use of time-outs when needed

Rules for Fair Fighting

TIME-OUT

Everyone needs a good Time-Out to cool down from time to time.

But not this kind of time-out!This Time-Out makes more sense!47

Let’s Practice Fighting Fairly

48

Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation: Argument about

bedtime

49

Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation: Argument about

house chores

50

Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation: Argument about

family time

51

Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation: Argument about Buying something

52

Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…

1. Know yourself and your natural instincts

2. Learn to manage your emotional responses

3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power

struggles and how to avoid them

53

The Classic Power Struggle

What is a Power Struggle?

“Two people engaged in a struggle for dominance,

each equally committed to winning”

54

The Truth About Power Struggles

• Each person goes to increasingly greater lengths to “win”

• Severely damages the relationship

• Results in resentment, anger, loss of respect, loss of trust, and humiliation

55

Power Struggles: Risk Factors

• Lack of Experience

• Unrealistic Expectations

• Misunderstanding the Difference Between Discipline and Punishment

56

You need to “win”

You get “louder” You solicit support

You up the punishment

You need to have the last

word

You pull rank unnecessarily

You give 100 rationales

You bring up old business

You use absolutes

You “hit below the

belt”

You might be in a power struggle if…

57

So How Do You Avoid and Resolve Power Struggles?

58

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Name the Problem:

1. The real issue

2. The goal of the behavior

3. Acknowledge the real issue and focus your energy there

59

Decide On An Outcome

What do you want to accomplish?What will you settle for?

60

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Go with the Resistance

Give him what he wants under controlled circumstances

Examples: Homework — Do it after play time/dinner

Bedtime — Stay up 15-30 minutesChores — Choices between two tasks

61

Negotiate A Solution

State your terms

Listen to your child’s terms

Seek a compromise

62

How to Avoid Power Struggles

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Hold up your end of the agreement

63

Pinkie swear doesn’t cut it anymore. My lawyer has some documents for you to sign.

Pulling It All Together

Staying grounded and emotionally self-aware.

64

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Clerc Center Home Page clerccenter.gallaudet.edu

Or email us attraining.clerccenter@gallaudet.edu

Trainer:Yvonne Olsen Catt: Yvonne.Catt@gallaudet.edu

Please complete the Workshop Evaluation Form & the Customer Satisfaction Form

66