Post on 27-Jun-2015
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All quiet on the domestic front
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a 5-minute relationship hack
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fromfatheringhacks.com
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Who does what jobs around the home can be a major source of friction.
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1. Stuff we fight about2. Stuff we fight about3. Stuff we fight about4. Stuff we fight about5. Stuff we fight about6. Stuff we fight about7. Stuff we fight about8. Stuff we fight about9. Stuff we fight about10. Stuff we fight about
In order...
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1. Stuff we fight about2. Who does what around the house3. Stuff we fight about4. Stuff we fight about5. Stuff we fight about6. Stuff we fight about7. Stuff we fight about8. Stuff we fight about9. Stuff we fight about10. Stuff we fight about
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1. Disagreements about money2. Who does what around the house3. Stuff we fight about4. Stuff we fight about5. Stuff we fight about6. Stuff we fight about7. Stuff we fight about8. Stuff we fight about9. Stuff we fight about10. Stuff we fight about
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Fact is, things have changed...
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Women have returned to the workforce, and men are doing more around the
house, but...
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...time-use studies consistently show that women still carry a heavier load of the household and child care duties then
men.
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And many women are not happy about it.
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And many women are not happy about it.
60% of women think
they do more than their fair share of housework.
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And over half of the partners of men who think they are doing their fair share, beg
to differ.
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If the stats are true, the domestics could be a ticking bomb for many men.
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A new baby can further exacerbate the situation.
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If they haven't thought it through, couples tend to revert back to traditional
gender roles after having a baby.
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In balancing a heavy paid and unpaid workload, women tend to sacrifice me-
time. The loss of rest, recreation and re-charging time means greater personal stress—which ultimately is also bad for
the relationship.
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Another problem is the difference between ‘helping out’ and taking
responsibility.
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You often hear women say, "He helps when I ask, but I have to do all the
thinking and planning."
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Daily squabbles and disputes, or even an underlying simmering resentment, about
who is doing the household work can gradually erode the good will in your
relationship.
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The key issue is not whether the way domestic tasks are shared in your home
conforms to some kind of social ideal, but rather whether you as a couple are
happy with the way household work is distributed.
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Caring for children is hard work. It's as hard or harder than most paid jobs.
Adopt the attitude that all work is work, whether it's paid or unpaid. The question for couples then, is how do we share the
work.
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The key is talking about it.
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The key is talking about it.
Begin a conversation about how the domestic work in your
family is being handled.
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Take the attitude that if one is unhappy, then both are unhappy.
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It might help, especially if domestic chores are already a sensitive issue in your household, to adopt a structured approach to your conversation. Here's
one approach you could use.
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Make a list of all the regular tasks and chores that need doing at home
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Chores Make a list of all the regular tasks and chores that need doing at home
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Chores
Vacuuming
Cleaning the shower
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Cleaning out the gutters
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Be specific; you may need to break bigger chores into smaller tasks
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Be specific; you may need to break bigger chores into smaller tasks
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Step 2
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Identify who is responsible for each chore
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Identify who is responsible for each chore
Responsible?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both being responsible can mean that no-one is responsible. Or someone might be responsible, but the responsibility is not being acknowledged.
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both
If it's ‘both’ - how is responsibility shared?Do you take turns? Do your own?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Step 3
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Identify whether you are both happy with the arrangement
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
Identify whether you are both happy with the arrangement
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
NoBoth (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
Yes
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
Yes
Step 4
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
Yes
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
Yes
Now return to each chore where one of you is unhappy. Negotiate a new arrangement that you can both be happy with.
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Chores
Vacuuming
Feeding the cat
Cleaning the shower
Laundry
Cleaning out the gutters
Washing clothes
Hanging clothes
Folding and putting away
Ironing
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Both (week turns)
Responsible?
Him
Her
Her
Him
Both (week turns)
Her
Both (iron own)
Both happy?
Yes
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If you find yourself getting stuck in debates over who should do a particular
job, redouble your efforts to negotiate and compromise.
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Deciding on the basis of who wants the job done the most.
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Deciding on the basis of your personal preferences or what you are good at.
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Deciding on the basis of the timing of the task and who will be there to get it done.
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Deciding to rotate a chore, one week or one month about.
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Bargaining one chore against another...
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...or deciding to sleep on it and come back to it later.
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Before you finish, look again at the overall balance of chores and tasks.
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Write down you new plan. It's the best way to remember your new
commitments.
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Now honour your agreement.
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Then, at an agreed time in the future, sit down and review the agreement. Be
prepared to change things that are not working.
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For more relationship and parenting issues, tools, and tips with
a fathering bent visit...
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