Post on 18-Nov-2014
description
AA NNUUTTTTYY
CCOONNSSUULLTTAANNTT’’SS
ffaacceebbooookk SSTTAATTUUSS UUPPDDAATTEESS
BBYY LLIIZZZZIIEE VVAALLEE
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IINNDDEEXX
DISCLAIMER ........................................................................................................................................... 4 DISCLAIMER
CHAPTER 1 ‐ I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING CONSULTANTS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE ............................................................................................................. 5 CHAPTER 1 ‐ I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING CONSULTANTS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE
CHAPTER 2 – HOUSEKEEPING! YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW? ...................................................... 44 CHAPTER 2 – HOUSEKEEPING! YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW?CHAPTER 3 – MY THRIFTY DOLLAR BUDGET HERTZ MY ENTERPRISE ............................................ 55 CHAPTER 3 – MY THRIFTY DOLLAR BUDGET HERTZ MY ENTERPRISE
CHAPTER 4 – DRIVING MISS CRAZY ................................................................................................... 59 CHAPTER 4 – DRIVING MISS CRAZY
CHAPTER 5 – LOST IN OFFICE SPACE .................................................................................................. 62 CHAPTER 5 – LOST IN OFFICE SPACECHAPTER 6 – HOME IS WHERE YOUR WALLET IS ............................................................................. 73 CHAPTER 6 – HOME IS WHERE YOUR WALLET ISCHAPTER 7 – AROUND THE WORLD IN 580 DAYS ............................................................................ 87 CHAPTER 7 – AROUND THE WORLD IN 580 DAYS
CHAPTER 8 – CHILDREN OF THE CORNUCOPIA ............................................................................... 110 CHAPTER 8 – CHILDREN OF THE CORNUCOPIA
CHAPTER 9 – I WANT TO HAVE BRAD PITT’S BABIES ..................................................................... 131 CHAPTER 9 – I WANT TO HAVE BRAD PITT’S BABIESCHAPTER 10 – FAMILY FARM ............................................................................................................ 134 CHAPTER 10 – FAMILY FARMCHAPTER 11 – THE CORNHUSKER STATE OF CONFUSION .............................................................. 143 CHAPTER 11 – THE CORNHUSKER STATE OF CONFUSION
CHAPTER 12 – MY INTERESTS, HOBBIES, AND INSANITIES .............................................................. 166 CHAPTER 12 – MY INTERESTS, HOBBIES, AND INSANITIES
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TO MY HUSBAND DAN WHO NEVER READS MY MASTERPIECES. ☺
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DDIISSCCLLAAIIMMEERR
All of Lizzie Vale’s worlds are works of fiction. All names, characters, creatures, animals, places, locations, locales, business establishments, organizations, associations, groups, entities, dominions, states, nations, governments, beliefs, circumstances, conditions, and events portrayed in this story, text, writing, symbol, image, or illustration are either fictitious or fictitiously used. Any resemblances to real or actual person, living, dead, or undead, are pure coincidence. Any resemblances to real or actual persons, living, dead, or undead, are pure coincidence. Any resemblance to real or actual character, characters, place, places, location, locations, locale, locales, business establishment, business establishments, organization, organizations, association, associations, group, groups, entity, entities, dominion, dominions, plane, planes, dimension, dimensions, state, states, nation, nations, government, governments, belief, beliefs, circumstance, circumstances, condition, conditions, event, or events that exist, exists, existed, have existed, or will exist are pure coincidence. Any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 11 ‐‐ II’’VVEE HHAADD IITT WWIITTHH TTHHEESSEE MMOOTTHHEERRFFUUCCKKIINNGG CCOONNSSUULLTTAANNTTSS OONN TTHHIISS
MMOOTTHHEERRFFUUCCKKIINNGG PPLLAANNEE
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 11 ‐‐ II’’VVEE HHAADD IITT WWIITTHH TTHHEESSEE MMOOTTHHEERRFFUUCCKKIINNGG CCOONNSSUULLTTAANNTTSS OONN TTHHIISS
MMOOTTHHEERRFFUUCCKKIINNGG PPLLAANNEE
Sitting in front of a very talkative toddler. Not a fun flight at all. Not at all.
Eight months of travelling and I am yet to find an airline magazine where the Sudoku page is not already filled in. Not even a single one.
Gate 45 MKE airport, listening to LP, sprawled on a chair, wondering how much sleep deprivation a human body can take before shutting down.
3 hours to kill at ORD. I people watch. They stare back. I wonder if they're pissed at United for having to pay $15 for one freakin’ luggage.
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Tried out airline "standby" today. At boarding I'm told I had no boarding pass. They had called for me four times but I had my earphones on.
At sunny Denver airport heading towards Dayton. My Frontier confirmation code is "HORSHY" and fare basis code is SA7AN, I'm not kidding.
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Detroit Airport underground walkway. Tunnel reminds me of Logan's Run. Crazy flashing lights. Surprised no one started foaming in the mouth.
Today must be Bring Your enraged, screaming child to Northwest Airlines Flight 5866 Day.
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TSA lady rummaging through second bag. I had missed luggage check-in. All are now carry-ons. I hadn't unpacked the Swiss Army knife. Uh oh.
Too late to park car at long-term airport lot. I think I parked at cheaper parking garage and NOT the $24 a day lot. Damn you closed I-480.
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Guy next to me on plane was whistling through his nose constantly. I took a nap to the lulling sound instead of getting all rage-y.
That hot, young babe walking around with toilet paper under her shoe at West Palm Beach airport just now. That was me.
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The plane to Atlanta was so shaky that I think I made love to it. Twice.
I have a terrible urge to climb that dinosaur skeleton monstrosity at ORD.
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Look! A quarter at the bottom of the escalator! But I have too much pride to pick it up.
If the pilot uses the word 'magnificent' one more time, I am so going to leave my chewed up gum under the seat.
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Lady next to me on plane just dropped her carry-on on my foot. Must. Resist. The Power. Of. The Dark Side. I'll stick the gum on her bag.
What I didn't tell anyone: I spent 45 min looking for my car in the airport parking garage last night. In my defense, it was a multi-level.
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Don't you just love it when you and the chick in the next toilet stall open the shared garbage receptacle at the same time? Awkward.
It's very satisfying interrupting phone conversations by flushing toilet. Bathroom tweets. Fun. I'm stuck in LGA airport for 5 hrs, people!
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Hanging out at the Minnesota Airport overnight. If I say there's a rave going on over here, would you come? Bring drinks!
Airport janitor gave me a mat! Wondering if I will be disturbed if I sleep ALL DAY LONG on my mat until the 10:45 PM flight. I'm that tired.
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I've got the monopoly on this electric socket. Go away. *hisssss*
Which is more painful? Searing ear pain from pressure change or having to hear this toddler whine nonstop behind me throughout the flight?
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Just woke up from MKE flight nap. Wonder if I snored? Guy didn't elbow me in ribs which is what Dan would do if I snored. I'll never know.
I typed in "snored" on my phone and the predictive text suggested, "pooped".
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I was relaxing in my fancy spacious exit row seat, checking out twitter, when this older lady came up and told me I was sitting in her seat.
Got bumped to 1st class. If she'd been an elderly 'old' lady, I'd have given her the seat. Selfish me. I jumped up out of there so fast.
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In first class, these small soda glasses are cute-enough-to-steal cute.
I wish I had a magic imp that puts people to sleep when they talk really loud near me about religion and politics on a 45 min flight.
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Playing 'Dude, Where's My Car?' I am sooo getting mugged in a parking garage.
Now playing, 'Dude, Where's My Parking Garage Ticket?'
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Lots of running in the airport today. I think I ruptured my spleen. Or my lungs.
Eyelids drooping, lips trembling, my thoughts in a fritz. Come to me, Midwest Airlines chocolate chip cookie.
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Phone just slipped out of my back pocket into the toilet. That's not good.
Agent scolded me and a couple of passengers for being late at the gate. He was calling out our names in the intercom. I blame gremlins.
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Spent the last hour staring at the wing waiting for a gremlin to materialize. Guess I didn't fly first class today.
You're transferring my Midwest flight with a connection to Milwaukee with a Delta flight non-stop? Noooooooo! Chocolate chip cookie... sigh.
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Dear TSA agent who will be opening my luggage today: It's your lucky day! Assuming you have an extremely dirty and smelly laundry fetish.
Off to the airport to fly Stand By and pretend I'm in the Amazing Race.
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Swapped my fancy exit row seat with lots of legroom with a very, very tall guy because I'm very, very nice. Where's my medal?
Eavesdropping on Houston flight crew who are waiting for gate agent. One of 'em had been up since 2AM. Nice to know.
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Handed some 26-year-old girl's California driver's license I found in in the Omaha restroom to a red-eyed airport security guy. Hmm.
Last 10 minutes of this Continental flight smelled like burnt hair.
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Don't watch Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay on your laptop on a flight next to an old dude and you're sitting on the aisle seat.
There's a blonde hair on my airline pillow and it's not the same shade as mine.
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Exit door weighs 45 lbs. But that's the least of my worries. I'd have to jump off wing on 2-inch heels. No slides out this exit seat. :(
Tall guy from Monday was on same flight. Didn't realize til at baggage claim. He & wife could've had my seat and the empty seat next to me.
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Flight attendant 'Thank You, Sir'd me. Is it my manly baseball hat? My manly leather jacket? Or my manly black purse slung over my shoulder?
Still debating what's worse: screamy kid who kept kicking my chair or guy across the aisle who kept farting.
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New Hampshire TSA agent just made me go through the metal detector again because I had my thumb in my pocket.
Someone left 52 cents on seat 20F. Score!
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Everyone's quietly talking about that one Asian guy wearing a mask on this flight.
Smiling at the young guy at gate D4 holding a dozen peach rosebuds.
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Is it so shallow of me to ask for a good looking, good smelling guy to sit next to on this plane? Oh, why can't it be David Cook?
Stranded in EWR till tomorrow. Anyone in the Newark area want to take me out for a kick ass time tonight? Anyone? I'll buy drinks?
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Lady wanted to trade my seat with her because she wanted to chat with friend. Two hours of screamy toddler later, I must draw blood.
Got warned by the cute flight attendant it will cost me $13,000 in fines if I assaulted a flight attendant. What constitutes as assault?
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I have a sinking feeling I made the elderly gentleman miss his flight after blathering about Bangkok, Subic Bay, Dubai, and Bahrain. Oops.
Pondering what the consequences are if I snuck into the flight to London. Or Amsterdam. Yes Amsterdam.
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Who in their right mind would take pictures of the outrageous monstrosity that is the Chicago Airport? Silly tourists.
Almost committed involuntary manslaughter with overhead luggage. Thank goodness for male chivalry. I really need to start lifting weights.
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Toilet stall flew open and I stared, shocked, at the man for 2 seconds. Nope, not a man. Just a manly woman.
If anyone asks, I'm aimlessly wandering around in the bowels of Omaha's airport parking lot.
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The guys from United Airlines counter asked me if they should move to Omaha. Apparently they're closing in a few months. Stoopid economy.
I wish I had pretty dainty toes painted in pretty colors just like this pretty twenty-something in 15F.
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Routine: Warn guy sitting below overhead. Lift luggage. Fumble. Shove. Pull on earplugs to have Tool blaring blasphemously. Yeah, that part.
Spent a quarter of an hour trying to establish the origins of that smell. Turns out the lady across the aisle simply farted.
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Pondering what people would think if I were to 'accidentally' spill the contents of a box of Trojan magnums while exiting the aircraft.
Fiddlesticks. Chicago flight is delayed. Now I have time to contemplate on the meaning of life. Or I can just glare at annoying children.
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Yes! Found gum in my purse. I can still salvage this. Kinda crunchy.
The lid of this black Papermate pen just totally flew in the air and crash-landed on to this cute guy in 22B's crotch.
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If I were rich, I would visit what's listed in Microsoft's Time Zone settings. I bet you didn't know there's a place called Nuku'alofa?
Didn't see any gremlins on the plane's wing today. Not *everyone* can afford the six dollar drinks you know.
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In Minneapolis airport, I offered a military guy my laptop so he could send an email to Afghanistan. I feel so patriotic. Viva l'Etats Unis!
Hey you counter guy of Chicago Airport's Reggio Pizza Express, must you spray my left arm with the glass cleaner?
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I really wish I'd snuck into that Amsterdam flight.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 22 –– HHOOUUSSEEKKEEEEPPIINNGG!! YYOOUU WWAANNTT MMEE FFLLUUFFFF PPIILLLLOOWW??
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 22 –– HHOOUUSSEEKKEEEEPPIINNGG!! YYOOUU WWAANNTT MMEE FFLLUUFFFF PPIILLLLOOWW??
Reserved Homewood Suites room for yesterday instead of today, yet nice desk clerk waived fee, discounted $45, a flat screen, and a Sherman.
Homewood guy is turning borderline creepy. Was coming in through a side door and he suddenly materializes, offers breakfast muffins at 2 AM!
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It's sad when you spend so much time away from home that you're at the highest rewards level at Hilton and Marriott. Sheraton, here I come.
Planning an all-nighter so I got a Red Bull, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby, a diet coke, and a Slim Fast shake. Take that ketones!
Nothing. Nothing is more disgusting than brushing your teeth, and realizing your Head & Shoulders shampoo leaked while in your toiletry bag.
Cincinnati power outages. Almost crashed into someone because traffic lights are out. Contemplating on selling Hampton Inn's ice for money.
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At hotel bar where unconventionally women are majority. Conversation revolving around shopping. Ugh. Going back to room to watch violent TV.
"Hayden" from housekeeping keeps leaving me cookies, chocolates, and personal messages. She obviously hasn't seen my sexy granny underwear.
Packing a suitcase is an art form. Rage and violence is an art form, right?
Sometimes, when I'm all alone in a hotel pool, I pretend to be Phoebe Cates and be all slow-motion-y. Yes, I have a lonely life.
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I don't steal pens from hotel rooms. Ahem.
Argh! Lost my mouse USB plug thing for my laptop. Can't function! $20 to anyone who brings me a mouse to this Hilton Milwaukee. And a drink?
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Doubletree elevator. Pretty lady's gobbling down the complimentary chocolate chip cookie faster than cookie monster. Um, yeah, that is me.
Housekeeping stepped on Izzy's new Garfield book and creased it. Must have done it while stepping over my mess to open the window. Sad face.
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This ATL Doubletree’s hallway smells like ham and arm pits. And maybe Ryann's mom. FTW!
Ok. I publicly recant that last part. She smells really nice. Sawwy.
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I have a Mentos, a bottle of Coke, and am in a room I have no obligations to clean up after. Chuckle chuckle.
At Newark Hilton debating whether or not cherry Twizzlers are lunch and dinner material.
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Sitting outside Concord Marriott Courtyard's courtyard pretending I have friends.
Moving under street lamps, I let the New Hampshire mist envelop me. Heels made slow clicking sound on the pavement until I stepped on gum.
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Procured the last chocolate chip cookie from the front desk. You may have heard a scuffle and some territorial hissing. But I'm alright!
I am taller than the Japanese guy in the elevator. ♫ Life is fair. ♫
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 33 –– MMYY TTHHRRIIFFTTYY DDOOLLLLAARR BBUUDDGGEETT HHEERRTTZZ MMYY EENNTTEERRPPRRIISSEE
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 33 –– MMYY TTHHRRIIFFTTYY DDOOLLLLAARR BBUUDDGGEETT HHEERRTTZZ MMYY EENNTTEERRPPRRIISSEE
Rocking to Octane XM satellite, checking out hot La Jolla surfer dudes, almost committing vehicular homicide twice down Prospect Street.
Wished someone told her about the $4.50 toll to Long Beach. Or the California cell phone law. Explains psychotic driver angrily tailgating me.
Speeding down freeway to airport blasting ADIDAS when cop starts tailgating me. I exit slow and he still follows. After two miles he leaves.
Everything I know about defensive driving I learned from GTA San Andreas. Quick! Where's the closest Pay 'N' Spray?
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Fifteen minutes looking for a key hole. Buttons everywhere. Car manual is not in the glove box. Gasoline-electric hybrid cars are a riot.
Something just flashy thingy me at this intersection. Hoping the strobe flash was from Men In Black and not a speeding ticket.
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Sitting in rental car in mall of Manchester parking lot, working up the courage to limp into the stores with a broken shoe.
Amazing! I didn't realize I can have such marvelous road rage while listening to Chopin's Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 44 –– DDRRIIVVIINNGG MMIISSSS CCRRAAZZYY
Manhattan cabby told me that my car will probably get towed after midnight. Had parked it on the street at Queens & took subway to downtown.
Nightmarish train ride back. Was already worried sick about car. Missed stops. Had murder in mind when harmonica guy began playing in train.
Car did not get towed. I will tempt the Alternate Side Parking Law another day.
After dropping Pramila off on my way to my rental car, friendly Punjabi cabby held out his hand. I shook it. He held it. I'm a creep magnet.
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Internally groaning while very chatty taxi driver tells me his life story. I think I just agreed his buddy's French/Pinoy wife is a bitch.
I got the same taxi dude! He remembers me coz I absent-mindedly left my phone in his taxi last week.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 55 –– LLOOSSTT IINN OOFFFFIICCEE SSPPAACCEE
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 55 –– LLOOSSTT IINN OOFFFFIICCEE SSPPAACCEE
Got my own office this week! I actually got a personalized phone, a desk, 3 chairs, a whiteboard, and a direct view of the men's bathroom.
Client: "You don't seem like you're from Omaha, Nebraska. You act like you're from the city." (The city=NYC.) Me: "Haha." There were tears.
Yes, I've been working from home. So much so that my jammies have encrusted me like a cocoon. Did I say jammies? I meant sexy lingerie.
Lost email! Bad exchange servers! My mafia of 213 is fighting against you with 103 Mini Uzis, 110 Chain Guns, 213 Body Armors, 213 Towncars.
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Had my zipper down all day. Ha ha.
"Oh, what kind of birds do you have?" My client asks over the phone about the high screeching noises. "Those," I replied, "are my children".
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"How many people can say they work from bed?" Dan commented on me working on my laptop. "Oh, wait, prostitutes!" I think something hit him.
I wore my sexy power skirt. Today must be stuck-in-a-tech-meeting-for-two-hours-with-geeky-males-wednesday. Hey, I can't be all-brains!
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My black business attire needs a thorough and savage ravaging with a lint roller. But I don't care.
Wearing my lucky tie.
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Confounded vending machine cheated me out of 15 cents. Now my right toes hurt.
Experiencing the emotion that closely resembles that other feeling where one wants to stab certain people in the eye.
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I wish I were good at throwing knives. Maybe people will respect me more. Or ninja stars. Yes. Ninja stars.
Scored free lunch from a lady co-worker today. Yes, a woman. My charm continues to amaze me. :D
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Apologized on phone to co-worker who lost 1 1/2 hours of work because of me. After hanging up, girl sitting next to me tells me I'm coy.
Had to use "the dog ate my homework" excuse for work. Gordon chewed up one of my work notes last weekend. o.O
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Hah! Someone left a quarter in the change machine. Well karma, payback's a bitch!
Wishing I were a member of Fight Club. There's gotta be one around here. Isn't it a chain, like McDonald's?
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Glare at me all you want, lady, I will take my sweet time inserting the nickels into the vending machine. Be glad it doesn't accept pennies.
I need a big, red "UNDO" button, not an "EASY" button. (Double-entendre intended.)
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Brimming with emotion because someone did something really nice to my family and me today. I guess I have to be nice now. I mean "nicer".
Immersing self with daemons, parent and child processes, spawning, forking, and killing. Technology is so very naughty. #Neverfingerstalked
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 66 –– HHOOMMEE IISS WWHHEERREE YYOOUURR WWAALLLLEETT IISS
Backyard tree fell northward barely missing our house and deck. Neighbor lost their fence. Damn tornadoes.
It was a tornado. House leaking bad. Bottom of patio table flew over house into front yard. Dan toying with death laying out tarp on roof.
Stepped on dog poop in kitchen and walked around carpet for a bit before hubby noticed.
3 men from FEMA stopped by the house to ask questions. They asked about damages, insurance, and house values. I want their cool FEMA caps.
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Ethan forgot to let Gordon in. Neighbor 4 doors down found him and called the humane society. I really hate my no fence neighbor right now.
Neighbor tells me today, "Sorry, still waiting for fence money". Smiling, I was imagining him tripping and falling on his face on dog poop.
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Looking at my $350 AT&T bill from Aug. I notice with disapproval that there's a 50-cent roaming charge while in Iceland. When was I there?
Car wash on Hwy 50 that got ripped apart by the same tornado that hit our house finally got rebuilt. It is called "Tornado Wash" now.
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Dragging ladder planning to fix tangled up net when I smash the CFL garage light bulb and a shard falls into my eye. I hope I don't go blind.
No blood or vitreous fluid so I think I'll be waking up tomorrow. Strange, I have been tasting something citrus all day, even coffee.
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General Food International Italian Cappuccino is hard to clean off carpet. Idiot dog left three large vomit splotches throughout the house.
Dangerous in the garage again today.
Overcompensated parking the truck and crushed Dan's spare 10-gallon aquarium. He's not very happy.
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Another cherry on top of my day of awesome: Neighbor finally has fence up! Upcoming Google satellite photo will show me dancing on our deck.
It goes without saying that nagging works. Welcome Digger the Dwarf Hamster. Yet another pet doomed into the H household.
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Dennis the dog is licking his chops, staring at the dwarf hamster.
Me, a large knife, and a jar of stone-hard brown sugar.
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Washed Dan's cell phone. Crap.
A chewed-up, bloodied head of a baby bunny in the hallway. A drenched cat in the shower because she's smart enough to pry open a doggy door.
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Dan and his bedeviled fruit flies! "Sorry honey," he says, "Accidentally cultured the ones with wings instead of the wingless."
Stealthily like a ninja, I rinse out and carefully dry the razor that doesn't belong to me, quickly before I am discovered.
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Cursing the mischievous sock imps.
"She's got a manly face." Hubby and I both say at the SAME TIME. We're kindred spirits.
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As a healthcare worker, huz gets the immunity vaccine against H1N1. Now plotting ways of secretly harvesting his blood and selling it.
Explaining to Dan how in high school the student body was divided into 4 houses. "Like in Harry Potter?" Now the Slytherin jokes won't stop.
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Chased a neighborhood dog in the rain. Caught it. It got away. Caught it again. Dried it with towel. It got away. My 90's love life Déjà vu.
"Did you ever find the mouse in your bag?" Dan asked his BFF Ben. (In my household, mouse is not a computer accessory).
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Ever pushed a lawn mower out into the street? And flap your arms wildly about, screaming? And check around if anyone saw you?
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 77 –– AARROOUUNNDD TTHHEE WWOORRLLDD IINN 558800 DDAAYYSS
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 77 –– AARROOUUNNDD TTHHEE WWOORRLLDD IINN 558800 DDAAYYSS
Saw stone lions, saw a bunch of standing rocks, saw sheep, got elbowed in the head during a 5 hr train ride, and ate rhubarb crumble today.
Got rejected by haughty French restaurant server because we didn't have a "booking". At another place, waiter couldn't understand "water".
Sis & I gobbled down two-course dinner and hailed a rickshaw to London's "Chicago" by 8PM. £20.00 rickshaw dude got lost. I didn't tip him.
Wandered frantically for an hour in Caen looking for Euro change to use on train ticket machine. Later, I see the ticket office 500 ft away.
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Was eager to show off Whedon's "Firefly" series to my sister, but blasted DVD region restrictions reared its ugly head. Fascist media !!!
Kinda disappointed that the "Shakespeare Globe" I spent $20 to see wasn't even the rebuilt one from 1613 but is only 10 years old.
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Walked a mile in heels to a chili place. Ordered first item in menu. Turned out to be spaghetti in cheddar cheese and chili. I know. Euww.
So tired that when Gold Star Chili girl asks about my drink, I nod dumbly and belatedly I realize I ordered a huge Bengals tailgater mug.
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In some Rochester NY sports bar watching the White Sox. The US Cellular field looks so much better in high def than Rosenblatt in real life.
Found a sports bar that is showing soccer on TV! Can't tell what country the players are from but I'm beside myself with shock.
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Testing the limits of Atlanta hospitality by flaunting my bottle of Pepsi.
If you saw an Asian chick, driving a subcompact Hyundai, turn into the wrong lane into oncoming traffic at 6 PM in Bohemia, Long Island.....
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Anyone knows how to get to Holland Tunnel from I495 W DM me. GPS instructions blow chunky monkey.
One thing I learned while lost in New York’s China Town: I am so insignificant compared to the billions of people in the world. And pedestrians suck.
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Experiencing cold and rainy Milwaukee. I experienced a "Sex in the City"-style puddle splash outside but without the style. I hate people!
Ahh, Phoenix. Where "streets" and "avenues" have their own rules. Yes, I was driving around lost, if you had to know. With a GPS.
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Stared at water droplets between two panes of glass turn to crystals and then back again. For four hours. Oh, look, palm trees!
Trying to eavesdrop on why this cop is yelling at that homeless guy at this corner next to Rodeo Drive. Yes, I am that sad and lonely.
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Contemplating on going to see Watchmen without hubby even though he made promise not to see it without him. Hmm.
Disappointing. There are no hot celebrities at this Starky's Mexican Grill near Rodeo Drive.
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Watching seagulls poop. Got propositioned to move to LA with him by chatty old white guy fishing on Santa Monica pier. Time to go.
Couple of girls asked where Broadway St is. Would totally offered help if I hadn't been wandering for an hour looking for where I parked.
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Dear Atlanta Bread Company worker, industriously sweeping the floor 5 feet from me, kicking up stuff into the air into my food: eye daggers.
The highlight of my day? ATM machine didn't charge me a foreign fee.
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Sunday 89.7 The River radio blows chunks. Friggin A! I just ran over a skunk.
Good grief! My heart lurched seeing the basketball and rags in that driveway, mistaking it for a prostrate child. I really need more sleep.
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Forgot laptop cord. Now driving at 1:45am in New Hampshire looking for a 24h Wal-Mart. Closest one: 45m away. I'm not in Omaha anymore. :(
Who would have thunk? Driving around this place is like driving from Wayne State to Sioux City. Got my cord and a four pack Red Bull.
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Spilled steak chalupa all over my laptop keyboard while sitting in my car outside Taco Bell. I have no napkins! I guess this blouse will do.
New Hampshire license plate on I-93. HCKYFAN.
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The clerk/cook/possibly owner of this Greek Cafe/Restaurant in Concord just told me how to eat my Greek food. Mentally telephatizing "Go away! Leave!".
Oh no. Cringe. Now the clerk/cook/Albanian owner wants to make conversation. Save me.
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GPS battery is dead. Now I'm lost. Didn't have time to drop pita bread all the way back to Marriott. What do I do? What do I do?
I can use this Dentek toothpick as a weapon.
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Crap crap crap. Toll ahead and I don't have cash. Shouldn't have spent it on vending machines.
Eight cars behind me while toll dude takes my ID and fill out a voucher for me to mail in. Now ten cars.
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It's hotter than Ryann's armpits over here. Is armpit one word or two?
My dog just sighed. What does he have to sigh about? He's not the one affected by the economy.
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I still feel the ball of Extra Island Cooler gum I swallowed from when I was flung into the air earlier today.
At the very breakable ceramic section in World Market downtown Kansas City. Naughty thoughts abound.
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Probably wasn't a good idea for me to wear heels at this Renaissance Fair since it rained last night.
The bachelorette party girls and I are on a lookout for that hot guy wearing a fur loin cloth. And you say Renaissance Fairs are for nerds.
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After the joust, I have a hankering for a turkey leg and a tankard of beer. Now where's my wench? Traci???!!!
And the dumb cat has learned to shred a perfectly good roll of toilet paper. I must kill it now.
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For those unfamiliar with Filipino cuisine, there's this rumor that my favorite Filipino dumpling "siopao" contains cats.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 88 –– CCHHIILLDDRREENN OOFF TTHHEE CCOORRNNUUCCOOPPIIAA
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 88 –– CCHHIILLDDRREENN OOFF TTHHEE CCOORRNNUUCCOOPPIIAA
5 yr old's been nonstop on Super Mario Bro's since school's out. Good moms would hide charger. I'm jealous I have yet to beat desert level.
Rest in Peace Dusty the chinchilla. Izzy sobbed for about half an hour straight. I wonder how long pet snakes live for.
Enoch's pool party, Ethan tells me, look mom, it's going to rain. I tell him it's not, it's just a lot of clouds. 10 min. later, it rains.
My 5 year old finally learned how to ride a bike after weeks of bribing him with video games. I'm an awesome parent.
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Just endured 135 min of me weeping and gnashing my teeth. It's called "Speed Racer" courtesy of Ethan. I'm the best mom in the world.
Izzy and I got on Silly Silo at Adventureland. While spinning, I looked at the happy kid faces & tried not to share the insides of my stomach.
112 | P a g e
Too darn cold and it’s too early in the morning to watch baseball.
Strange morning. Military helicopters during baseball, warning sirens at soccer, fire alarm at swimming, and neighbor car alarm squealing.
113 | P a g e
When he got 'Red Alert 2' for his 6th birthday, my son kissed the game and said, "It's all mine." Very disconcerting.
Just cleaned up puke in two bathroom sinks at Culver's. Kid ate too many donuts and drank too much soda.
114 | P a g e
At Ethan's baseball game, suppressing the intense urge to fling the water bottle at the little kid who is banging non-stop on the bleachers.
Trying to instill fear into my son so he wouldn't touch public urinals again by showing him one of those melodramatic bacteria news stories.
115 | P a g e
At kids' parent teachers meeting, teacher showed us our 6 year old's journal. Says he wants to be a "viteo game macre". Don't we all?
“You got him!” my son cheered as Dan wasted this guy with a Pulse Rifle. Quality Parenting 101. I'm off to get Dramamine & popcorn.
116 | P a g e
Watched "Star Wars Ewok Adventures" with the kids. It was way cuter 24 years ago. Now I just want to claw my eyes out and eat 'em.
My six-year-old son just said, "John McPain" unprompted. I think I'll give him ice cream.
117 | P a g e
The kids are watching "Open Season" with French subtitles. Truck in French is "Pick Up". And candy makes bears drunk. Huh.
'The tooth fairy is mommy!' The realization struck Izzy as she pieced out why the fairy forgot to leave money under her pillow last night.
118 | P a g e
My very cool friend Heather re-introduced me to Nutella joy. I must spread the good news to my children. That's how I want to be remembered.
Sometimes, when she's asleep, I secretly log into my daughter's Webkinz account. I'm pretty good at 3rd Grade trivia and Goober's Lab.
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Dog gone it. I must solve this Rubik's cube my son got for Christmas. Hello Google.
6 year old was trying to spell pencil. Instead, he left out the "C" and added an "E" in the end. Tee hee.
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Just downed the rest of my bottle of Diet Pepsi and belatedly realized my kids were using it earlier in their experiment with Mentos. #hurl
Asked my six year old over the phone what he wants from Hollywood. He tells me he wants a toy tank and underwear. Yes, Underwear.
121 | P a g e
Dan threatens 6 yo with dire consequences if he didn't finish his peas. I casually saunter to the trash and dump out my half eaten plate.
"Nice wig, mom" my six year old son commented when he saw my new haircut and hair color. Grumble, grumble.
122 | P a g e
I make Prime Rib for the first time and what does my kid do? Stabs it with a fork and drops the whole thing onto the kitchen rug. Joy.
Made the mistake of telling the kids it's 10 cents for every dandelion they pick up.
123 | P a g e
Oh, Guitar Hero. Thanks to you, now my 6-year-old son is sporting a red Mohawk.
"Can we get a cloak? From Tokyo?" my daughter asked after watching a documentary in the History channel about Invisibility cloaks.
124 | P a g e
Just yelled at a bunch of kids at Ethan's baseball game. I have become that crabby old lady.
Eavesdropping on my son and the lady cutting his hair at Regis: "You're not afraid of strangers?" she had asked him conversationally. !!!
125 | P a g e
My son received a total of one hundred dollars for his birthday and some pocket change from the tooth fairy. So jealous. So very jealous.
Kid #2 turns seven today. Happy Birthday kiddo! I hope you won't judge me when years from now you discover your mom's insane ramblings.
126 | P a g e
Kid #1 says, "My school's sloppy Joe tastes better than this." while trying to eat my creation. I am devastated at my failure as a mother.
7 yr old laughed the whole time watching Police Academy. The circle of life is now complete. Don't worry ESRB Nazis: it was in WGN.
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"Mom, does it hurt to have a baby?" "How old do you have to be to watch a baby come out?" 9 yo asks. I laugh out loud and then cry inside.
Kids #1 and #2 excitedly announced they both won their school's limbo contest. Public education at its best! And no, I don't limbo.
128 | P a g e
Kids are playing the song "I'm a gummy bear" on YouTube over and over again to learn the lyrics by heart. Say, how much is a lobotomy?
Too lazy to cook lunch for the children. I'd heat up leftovers but I have a feeling they won't like spaghetti with green hair growing on it.
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"Mommy, spell Dagobah," my 7 year old asked me when he got home from school. I replied with the spelling. "Correct!" he said. #canyousaygeek
If I had man balls, they would be freezing right now, thanks to the cultural ritual of child soccer in American suburbia. #hatinsoccermom
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 99 –– II WWAANNTT TTOO HHAAVVEE BBRRAADD PPIITTTT’’SS BBAABBIIEESS
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 99 –– II WWAANNTT TTOO HHAAVVEE BBRRAADD PPIITTTT’’SS BBAABBIIEESS
I wonder if the tattoos on Jolie's back are real.
I saw the Rock at the Race to some Mountain premiere in Hollywood Blvd. Why can't Brad Pitt take his kids to that? If I saw him, I'd never wash my eyes again.
I don't get it. Wolverine cutting up a car probably going at least 45 mph with his knives. Physics don't compute. I don't get it.
I have a strong urge to watch 17 again with Zac Efron. Now I know how dirty old men feel.
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Brad Pitt, adopt me!
That Brad Pitt is so fine. If I were to Google his birth date, would that make me stalkerish?
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 1100 –– FFAAMMIILLYY FFAARRMM
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 1100 –– FFAAMMIILLYY FFAARRMM
My 5-year-old son just asked me if he could have a faux Mohawk. Oh dear lord. T minus 6 days before my mom comes to visit.
Mom's in town for a week. Haven't seen her in 6 years. I'm pretending to cook, clean, that I'm an awesome parent and a domesticated wife.
Hubby watching "Survivor Gabon" just said "He got Gaboned!" when this guy got voted out. He told me not to twitter that.
Dan: I should get a PhD on Microbiology and study vampires. Me: They won't be hot like Kate Beckinsale. Dan: She'd be my first interview.
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Dinner tonight is spam.
Taco Bell drive-thru for dinner. Happy Anniversary Honey!
136 | P a g e
My cat's farts are rotten. She leaves bloody claw marks on visitors. And she just pooped a tapeworm.
Eating rib-eye steak and taunting my dog with it at the same time. He probably wants to murder me right now.
137 | P a g e
I was wrong when I said I can't keep anything alive. There's a fuzzy brown thing thriving in the fridge. I think I'll call it "Bob".
My father-in-law once gave me the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. I died a lot
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Neighbor's dog sounds sad. Poor thing, whining outside. Must be being punished for chewing up unreimbursed travel receipts.
The constant squeaking of that confounded hamster wheel. Aahrgh. Welcome home sweet home, me.
139 | P a g e
I know I'm doing it right because both my sisters-in-laws never ask me to change their kids' diapers.
Dan has been playing Susan Boyle's debut on YouTube about ten times in a row. Save me?
140 | P a g e
Trying to settle a debate with Dan on whether or not vampires have Cajun or French accents.
3 empty yogurt cups, Legos, some missing socks, and My Littlest Pet Shop figures missing their ears. Yes, I'm cleaning under my bed at 2 AM.
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The unearthly screaming you hear is coming from my liver as I proceeded to swallow two Excedrin Migraine pills. This party was THAT good.
We, adults, call this a power nap.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 1111 –– TTHHEE CCOORRNNHHUUSSKKEERR SSTTAATTEE OOFF CCOONNFFUUSSIIOONN
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 1111 –– TTHHEE CCOORRNNHHUUSSKKEERR SSTTAATTEE OOFF CCOONNFFUUSSIIOONN
Seeing this: Family wins $40000 over urine-tainted food, I was like, Euww. Then saw it was Nebraska. Doubly euww.
Went to get gasoline for mower. While inhaling the fumes coming out of the gas can, I look over and idiot filling up next to me was smoking.
Looks like loony bins from Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing King of Kings this Sunday http://www.godhatesfags.com/schedule.html
Feeling smug cause I was so good at playing the Rock Band drum set to Hole's "Celebrity Skin" at Best Buy while everyone else failed.
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At the electronics section at Furniture Mart. Can't get service from normally vulture-like sales guys because of the Huskers Game on TV.
This weather's crap. Crappier than NBC's Knight Rider remake.
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Dear Popeye’s at Millard Ave: Dirty rice doesn't mean dead cockroach on top of the lid of the dirty rice. I'll get my protein somewhere else.
Ever had the desire to jump into the middle of a cornfield and make cornfield angels? You don't? Oh.
146 | P a g e
Drowned a scary spider in a bucket last week. Almost had a stroke when it started moving again today. Hubby frees it, It's a fishing spider.
Mascara'd tear drops... / Hot wing sauce in my eye or / Scary line dancers? / #haiku
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Absentee ballot / Shelled out dollar postage but / free pencil for me! #haiku
Hey you guys, the Ford dealership polling place on Highway 50 are not checking IDs. *whistles innocently*
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USA is lucky their political process is not fraught with assassinations unlike the Philippines. But then I don't mind some riots & looting.
Ordered spring rolls at Thai Kitchen. I still ate them even after Traci said they looked like condoms.
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While some crazy man with guns barricaded himself from police a mile away, I was cozy at home twittering. I love Omaha. We have good steaks.
You are at a wedding. To the left is cake. To the right is lady you haven't seen since your son was blamed for her kid's broken collarbone.
150 | P a g e
On our way to Fremont for another birthday party. Playing dodge-that-exploded-deer-carcass. GPS just made us turn into gravel road. Crap.
As if falling home valuation wasn't enough, neighbor down the street just *had* to put a couch in their driveway.
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I had my Ziploc bag full of chunk change puncture, coins falling into a puddle in front of the bank which was closed for the holiday, of course.
So Peru offers Obama their Hairless Peruvian puppies. Can the US still invade Peru or is it like truce-y marriages in the old days?
152 | P a g e
Being a zombie/vampire/werewolf movie fan, it was probably a mistake watching "Vampire Strippers" based on the premise it was in Nebraska.
Lost second place to a bunch of cell-phone cheaters during Hooter's trivia. Nobody in my team knew the footwear Christina Aguilera endorsed.
153 | P a g e
Bring canned food item / Free! "Theory of a Dead Man" / "van trouble" no-show.
Who's the jerk who left cold weather outside my door?
154 | P a g e
Tore the Arby's bag open in frantic search for the Bronco Berry Sauce. How can I eat these Jalapeno Poppers without it? Life has no meaning.
Overheard: "My neighbor wanted to borrow my handicapped sign for when they go shopping tomorrow." Mmm. Black market idea #2!
155 | P a g e
What am I thankful for? Tums!
Am I the only one who's bothered by Hiro Nakamura being in the country illegally?
156 | P a g e
Salvation Army bell ringer at grocery store tells me, "Why the frown? Smile, girl!" I thought thoughts involving the use of bells as weapon.
At Cougarville, Omaha (Prestige) to see Carl's band.
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Aah, Omaha. Nothing compares to the pleasant sensation of your face getting scrubbed off raw, oh you sub zero winds you.
Finally looked up the video of the sneaker attack. I wonder if Bush ever cries himself to sleep like I do.
158 | P a g e
Going through a drive-thru car wash and forgetting to switch gears from Drive to Neutral is lots of fun. That is, if Idiot + Shame = Fun.
This Omaha taxi driver needs to be more aggressive. He keeps getting passed by semis. Did I just see an old lady pass us?
159 | P a g e
Ugh, hail.
Just paid 83 cents for two little ranch dressing cups at this Runza. I don't think I'm doing this right.
160 | P a g e
Power is out in neighborhood. If it's not up by 10 PM, I'll put batteries in my ole' boom box and blast Thriller and dance in the street.
Bring bikes they said. Who shows up to the in-laws' Home Association parade? Kids with motorized SUVs and mini motorbikes. Friggin suburbia.
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One me these days, when I'm not broke and penniless and with creditors up my gluteus maximus, I'm going to buy from Omaha Steaks.
Oh, there's a game today? That is the point in time when Husker fans fling poo at me.
162 | P a g e
Been in line for fifteen minutes. Sigh. Now rubbing itchy back against the wire shelves at GameStop. I hope no one notices.
Was deep in thought composing an ode to a dead squirrel on the road near Lake Zorinsky and almost slammed into a gray Mazda Tribute
163 | P a g e
A whole display of Snuggies(TM). Four shelves high. Bag 'N Save, you have lost all my respect.
Midtown Omaha. I almost made my 7-year-old pee in a bush. Almost. Don't ask.
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Spent the last 45 minutes groping, crouching, sliding, body slamming, and screaming until I'm hoarse. #hauntedhouse
Got yelled at by monster-aka-haunted-house-dude for having my cell phone on. I guess I can't live tweet my sweet experience.
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CCHHAAPPTTEERR 1122 –– MMYY IINNTTEERREESSTTSS,, HHOOBBBBIIEESS,, AANNDD IINNSSAANNIITTIIEESS
CCHHAAPPTTEERR 1122 –– MMYY IINNTTEERREESSTTSS,, HHOOBBBBIIEESS,, AANNDD IINNSSAANNIITTIIEESS
Downloaded my first audiobook. It had very naughty parts. Must wash ears with soap. Need to balance with something political or historical.
Dreamt about leading a group of survivors against an unknown enemy threatening to wipe humanity. I've been watching way too much sci-fi.
Going to do the improbable and will memorize how to play Debussy's Clair de Lune on the piano.
Listening to Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" to show off how well rounded I am. Wikipedia says it’s the 15th longest novel in European languages.
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Crushing on yet another fictional character in a book. Make believe is an addictive drug. I'm more sappy than I give myself credit for.
Sanity check. Nope. Still Insane.
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Downloading gigabytes of public domain audiobooks from librivox.org. Think of all the fun things I can do while listening to Homer's Iliad.
Love it when video rental store dude comments on your selection, which spirals into discussion on fantasy/sci-fi novels. Aah. My inner geek.
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Just found out why "blimey" and "chuff" are expletives. I learn new things every day. Books are fun people.
STP concert on my birthday is sold out. I guess I'll just have to settle for something from thinkgeek or those NBC MILF Island shirts. Hint.
170 | P a g e
Watched that Nick & Norah movie. Flashback to time I fished my pearl earring out of the toilet. Yes to all questions regarding the incident.
I just stared at the clock for about a minute and "willed" time to stop. Didn't work ;(
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"Never again will I go to these shaky/shifty-single-hand-held-camera movies" while dry heaving out the car window. Jenny, remember TBWP '99?
"The greater your intellect, the more originality you find in men. Ordinary persons find no differences between men. -Pascal" I am a moron.
172 | P a g e
Horror in seeing bad photos of myself from last year's Halloween Party in a web invite to this year's party. Must. Untag. Self.
Wonder woman outfit. Check. Plan to not eat until Saturday. Check. Unrelated: Kids, not eating to be skinny is bad. ♫The More You Know.♫
173 | P a g e
Feeling ill. Must be the bag of candy I found stashed behind bag of flour I never use. Wonder what the statute of limitations is to re-gift.
Damn Jessica Alba for setting highly unrealistic expectations of women. Now if I could only find the Golden Lasso of Truth for this outfit.
174 | P a g e
I keep finding empty candy wrappers all over the house. I really need to get my thug killing, mirror taunting, alternate self under control.
Told Spiderman, "Grab 2 handfuls". Little turd helped himself with 3 handfuls. I wanted to smack him with a Twizzler. Anger management, yes?
175 | P a g e
I learned everything I know about life and the art of making people feel good from Sesame Street & the Electric Company. Thanks.
Nobody's pranked me since my college roommate sprayed some foamy stuff on my pillow. Now that I think of it, maybe that wasn't a prank.
176 | P a g e
Met up with ex-coworkers for first time in over a year. I am sad to hear I've been replaced by a young, hot blonde. I'm really sad, people.
Got anger issues? / Passive aggressive tweeting / is free therapy. #haiku
177 | P a g e
After seeing Star Trek trailer, I failed to get spouse interested in it and had to sneak laptop to another room to watch it again.
LOAD "SANITY",8,1
178 | P a g e
Just took a big bite off a 32 oz roll of Pillsbury cookie dough. I think my eyes rolled back there for a second.
Now my daughter's baking roughly around 16 oz of cookies.
179 | P a g e
#confession I dressed Goth in college. It was fun until a Goth-friend yelled at me for touching his precious knife on his sacrificial table.
If you sell out to Magpie, I will look down on you and hope that you get molested by Reavers.
180 | P a g e
Ok. This is NOT funny anymore. Who's been messing around with my bathroom scales?
Me: 0 Curling Iron: 2
181 | P a g e
The cheat code I got from cheats.ign.com didn't work for my bank account. Sad face.
Told my hubby that BSG is the best sci-fi show ever. He scoffed at me. That's okay though. Somewhere in the universe, Watto lost his wings.
182 | P a g e
That freckle on one of her lips bugged me.
I just paid $7.74 for this one glass of Bud Light. Someone won and it's not me. :(
183 | P a g e
You know what I miss? Watching those cute, little, colorful squares moving in an old Windows 98 while it's defragmenting.
Ever wondered what a can of Carnation evaporated milk looks like when it's 2 years expired? It's the color of mocha. Doesn't taste as good.
184 | P a g e
True story. I once told a guy I dated, "It's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye." Later, I find out a BB took out his eye as a kid.
This vanilla pudding topped with crumbled pieces of Reese's has been sitting out for about five hours. I think I'll finish it.
185 | P a g e
Painful cuts under my pretty nails! Driving back from picking up Girl Scout orders and ripping open carton of Caramel deLites with one hand.
I gained how many pounds? Of course it has nothing to do with the missing 8 boxes of cookies I got Wednesday night.
186 | P a g e
Just had goat.
Body. So. Sore. I'll never play volleyball again.
187 | P a g e
40+ year old man ordering food at Subway, "You're a movie star." Nice to know you, too, man who likes to watch twenty-somethings on MTV.
Done my good deed for the year: Picking up donation bags for girl scouts and realizing the dewy wetness was some neighborhood dog's pee.
188 | P a g e
Just scarfed down three glazed Krispy Kreme donuts. I will now spend the next three hours regretting that.
Damn you CAPTCHA. I. Am. Human!
189 | P a g e
Sitting in front of my computer wearing 3D glasses because I can.
Should start a store called 'Unemployed R Us'. We would sell resume paper, business suits, Tums, punching bags, maybe darts.
190 | P a g e
Who has two thumbs and is no longer employed?
Brought home a dozen different types of Ramen noodles. Bit much, Dan says, but he got excited about trying out the hot & spicy flavored one.
191 | P a g e
At Wal-Mart, getting re-acquainted with canned food.
I just described Google Chrome as "sexy" to someone. I will go to my corner now and pretend I'm not a nerd.
192 | P a g e
Moth just attacked my eye.
I had bison burger today. Now all I need is to try out snake meat, turtle eggs, and tequila worm and my life goals are complete.
193 | P a g e
Orbit Wintermint gum box just gave me a bloody paper cut. The word bloody being used literally.
Holding Bobbi's newborn stirred up feelings of yearning and maternal inclinations for a #3. Seconds later, that feeling is gone. Whew!
194 | P a g e
There's a party in my stomach and You are not invited.
Trying my best to be loveable. That meant saying "I'm sorry," a total of 5! times today when I sure the hell wasn't remotely sorry.
195 | P a g e
Had to do some mental math when I got asked how old I am. Yeah, I'm THAT old.
Where oh where can I focus my anger without going to prison? Please no suggestive references. I'm married.
196 | P a g e
Bug spray is very bitter.
First, I disrupted the path of the red ant colony. Second, a wasp decided I was interesting. Now, a fly won't stop stalking me. Why me? Why?
197 | P a g e
My perfect world? I'm CEO of group rescuing 3rd world citizens from unscrupulous employers. I'm kidding. In a perfect world, I have a harem.
Folks, how do you "zombie" in Tagalog?
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Wearing my "Boys are funny when they try to think" shirt.
The creepy painters contracted by father-in-law to flip this fancy house asked my husband if I was his sister. Duuuuude. I'm Asian and he’s white!
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Toiling under the hot, Midwestern sun, my body beaded with sweat. Dirt and grime embedded in my fingernails. (I make mulching sound good).
Gave myself 3 large gashes on my thigh from the rake while mulching. I have the coordination of Jar Jar Binks.
200 | P a g e
Planning to rekindle my love affair with "God of War" and "God of War II" this week. Unemployment rules!
Chasing a fly with a vacuum cleaner extension hose. Because I can.
201 | P a g e
If I could design my own house, I would like to have a fireman's pole. Not to be confused with the other type of pole at Bryan's house.
Here's my slam, I mean quote of the day: "Men are not always what they seem - but seldom better" - Lessing
202 | P a g e
My hands smell like lemon fresh Pine-Sol. My mom would be so proud!
If I had a stalker, he would be sniffing Pine-Sol, right about... now.
203 | P a g e
Nutella and me? We're best buds.
Impromptu conference call with Jan to find out where the paper towels are! Pretending to work at a real job is super fun.
204 | P a g e
What are the short-term effects for inhaling too much ammonia? Are there bleeding under fingernails and incessant chanting to Cthulhu?
You want me to climb that? I asked my father-in-law, looking at the 15-foot ladder. But I gave you grandchildren! That's what I wish I said.
205 | P a g e
Day #51 of Unemployment: Filling out application for the Amazing Race.
Summoning up all my will power to get my ass off the couch and take a shower. The dog poop between my toes will not wash itself. #mowedthelawn
206 | P a g e
Scored free lunch at Rick's Cafe today. My college education is starting to pay off.
My Astérix® name?
Euphemismilia-Failia.
My American friends would be like, wuh?
207 | P a g e
Day #53 of Unemployment: Learning Pashto تښپ
Oh boy! A Snickers bar in my laptop bag that my dogs haven't discovered first. How many PS2 thumb clicks does it take to burn 280 calories?
208 | P a g e
Took a blue clicky pen from the Stonybrook post office on accident. Should I drive all the way and give it back?
Bathroom scale is saying, "LO". There's a joke in there somewhere but I'm too lazy to think it.
209 | P a g e
Grease splatters my left eye while frying frozen fries and burns my lachrymal ducts. Upside: Won't be crying so much when I sell my liver.
Day #55 of Unemployment: Mysterious groceries in pantry and fridge are not there because my hubby went shopping but are from the in-laws.
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Graphic violence, brutality, lust for vengeance mixed in with sheer euphoria and divine ecstasy. (Tom & Jerry) + (Ben & Jerry) = GOOD.
Me: That's my friend Jeremy from college in my Facebook. He introduced me to Peanut Butter Cups. Hubby: "Is Peanut Butter Cups" a stripper?
211 | P a g e
Shamelessly raiding in-laws' fridge.
I'll start panicking if it becomes Zombie Flu.
212 | P a g e
The pimple gods have rained disfavor upon me.
All the perfect jobs require relocation. Someone, invent a matter transporter already! And no Mel, I will not rematerialize at "Booby Trap".
213 | P a g e
Newton's Law of Motion: A diet Pepsi sitting on top of the speakers of my electric piano will spill.
Shoot. Forgot about the balloons in the trunk. Sorry about that environment.
214 | P a g e
If I'd have to pick what were-animal I want to be, I'd be a were-elephant. I mean, then I can totally slaughter the cast of Twilight.
Come on, Tiger. All you need to do is shape shift to your animal form and then back to human form. Didn't your father teach you anything?
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