Post on 11-Sep-2021
30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS
HowManipulatorsTakeControlinPersonalRelationshipsby
AdelynBirch©2015ADELYNBIRCH
Allrightsreserved.Nopartsofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystemortransmitted,inanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,
mechanical,photocopying,recordingorotherwise,withoutthepriorpermissionoftheauthor.
CONTENTS
CHAPTERONE:
WHATISCOVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION?
CHAPTERTWO:
HOWCANYOUTELLIFYOU’REBEINGMANIPULATED?19SIGNS
CHAPTERTHREE:
30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS
CHAPTERFOUR:
IREFUSETOHAVETHISDISCUSSION!ALLABOUTINVALIDATION
CHAPTERFIVE:
THEMOSTPOWERFULMOTIVATORONTHEPLANET,INTERMITTENTREINFORCEMENT
CHAPTERSIX:
INTIMACYORINTENSITY?ARELATIONSHIPLITMUSTEST
CHAPTERSEVEN:
NOWWHAT?
CHAPTEREIGHT:
YOURBASICHUMANRIGHTS
CHAPTERONE:
WHATISCOVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION?
"Untilyourealizehoweasilyitisforyourmindtobemanipulated,youremainthepuppetofsomeoneelse'sgame."
~EvitaOchel
Covertemotionalmanipulationtacticsareunderhandedmethodsofcontrol.Thesedeceptivetacticsacttochangeyourbehaviorandperceptions.Covertmanipulationoperatesunderthelevelofyourconsciousawareness.Victimsusuallydonotrealizetheyarebeingmanipulatedwhileitishappening.Thatisexactlywhyitisimportanttobecomeawareofthemethodsmanipulatorsuse.
Whoarethesemanipulativepeople?
Themostskillfulanddangerousmanipulatorsarethoseincludedinpsychology's"darktriad."Psychopathic,narcissisticandMachiavellianpersonalitieslackempathyandmanipulateinaplannedandpurposefulwayfortheirownpersonalgain,nomatterthecosttosomeoneelse.Theyarecallous,insensitive,aggressiveandopportunisticindividualswhouseothersandactoutagainstthemtoachievetheirownends.Itisentirelypossibletohaveamemberofthedarktriadasyourpartner,friend,neighbor,relative,coworkerorboss.Theyattempttohidewhotheyreallyarebycreatingaseeminglynormal,andoftenacharmingandlikeable,persona;buttheirmaliciousintentremainsactivebehindthemask.Theseindividualsaredetrimentaltothementalhealthofanyonewhohasclosecontactwiththem.
Peoplewithoutseriouspsychologicaldisordersalsousemanipulationtogetwhattheywant,withoutmaliciousintentandsometimeswithoutanyawarenessofwhattheyaredoing.Itissaidthatwe'reallguiltyofusingmanipulationonoccasioninsteadofcommunicatingourneedsanddesiresinadirectway.Thereisasignificantdifferencebetweensomeonewhoisapathologicalmanipulatorandsomeonewhousesmanipulationtogetwhattheywantfromtimetotime.Pathologicalmanipulatorshavenootherwaytorelatetoothersandnothingreal
toofferinarelationship,suchasloveandintimacy.Thereisnowaytochangethem.
Manipulationunderminesyourabilitytoconsciouslymakedecisionsandtakeactionsinyourownbestinterest,inaccordancewithyourpersonalvaluesandboundaries.Inotherwords,manipulationgetsyoutodothingsyouwouldn'totherwisedo.
Atitsworse,emotionalmanipulationmethodicallywearsdownyourself-worthandself-confidenceanddamagesyourtrustinyourownperceptions.Itcanmakeyouunwittinglycompromiseyourselftothepointoflosingyourself-respectanddevelopingawarpedconceptofreality.Withyourdefensesweakenedorcompletelydisarmedinthismanner,youareleftevenmorevulnerabletofurthermanipulation.
Askilledemotionalmanipulatorgetsyoutoputyoursenseofself-worthandemotionalwell-beingintohisorherhands.Onceyou'retrickedintomakingthatgravemistake,theymethodicallychipawayatyouridentityandwreakhavoconyourpsychologicalhealth.
Inordertobesuccessful,apurposefulandmaliciousmanipulatormustknowyourvulnerabilities,concealtheiraggressiveintentionsandbehavior,andberuthlessenoughnottocarewhatharmtheirmanipulationcausesyou.Takingcontrolandgettingwhattheywantareallthatmatters.
Becomingawareofthetacticsmanipulatorsuseenablesyoutoidentifyconcealedaggression.Butitisnotalwayseasytodo,becausemanipulatorscountonyourtrust,doubtandstrongemotions–guilt,fear,loveandshame–topreventyoufromthinkingclearlyandseeingthemanipulation.Inmanycasestheymanufacturetheseemotionspurposelyforthatreason.That'showmanipulatorsgetawaywithwhattheydo.Therefore,itisveryimportantforyoutorecognizewhenyouaredoubtingyourownperceptionsorintuition,orexperiencinganemotionthatmakesyouvulnerabletomanipulation.
Althoughthisbookisfocusesonromanticrelationships,themanipulationtacticsdescribedaresimplythat,manipulationtactics.Manyarethesamemethodsemployedbymanipulativefriends,familymembers,coworkers,bosses,neighborsandevenchildren.
CHAPTERTWO:
HOWCANYOUTELLIFYOU’REBEINGMANIPULATED?19SIGNS
Emotionalmanipulationcanbesosubtleandundercoverthatitcancontrolyouforalongtimebeforeyoufigureoutwhat'shappening,ifyoueverdoatall.Somemanipulatorsarehighlyskilled.They'redescribedaspuppetmasters,andyoucouldunknowinglybecomeapuppetifyoudon'tknowthesigns.
Asyourstringsarepulledthiswayandthat,youdojustwhatthepuppetmasterwantsyoutodo.Youthinkyou'reactingfromyourownfreewill,butyouarenot.
Ifyou'reavictimofmanipulationyouprobablyknowsomethingiswrong,butyou'renotquitesurewhatitis.Youmightevensuspectyou'rebeingmanipulatedbutyoudon'tknowforsureifyouareorhowit'sbeingdone.Onethingyoudoknowisthatyouwantanswers--areyoubeingmanipulatedornot?Howcanyoutell?
Actually,itiseasierandmoreobviousthanyoumightthinkitis.
It'ssmarttolearnthetechniquesofcovertemotionalmanipulation,andyou'lldojustthatinthenextchapter.Butthetruthisyoudon'thavetoknowanythingatallaboutthetechniquestoknowifyou'rebeingmanipulated.Youonlyneedtolookatyourselftoknowifmanipulationisatplay.
Manipulationisdetrimentalandhasprofoundnegativeeffectsonus,evenifwedon'tknowit'shappening.Thosenegativeeffectsaretheevidenceleftwhenthecrimeofmanipulationhastakenplace.
Ifyouareinarelationshipandnoticeanyofthefollowingsigns,thereisahighprobabilityyouarebeingmanipulated:
•Yourjoyatfindinglovehasturnedintothefearoflosingit.Yourfeelingshavegonefromhappinessandeuphoriatoanxiety,sadnessandevendesperation.
•Yourmooddependsentirelyonthestateoftherelationship,andyouareexperiencingextremehighsandlows.
•You’reunhappyintherelationshipanduncertainaboutitmuchofthetime,yetyoudreadlosingitbecauseyou'reblissfullyhappyeverynowandthen.
•Youfeellikeyou'reresponsibleforruiningthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyou,butyou'renotsurehow.
•Yourrelationshipfeelsverycomplex,althoughyou'redon'tknowwhy.Whentalkingtoothersaboutit,youmightfindyourselfsaying“It’shardtoexplain.It'sjustreallycomplicated."
•Youcontinuallyobsessabouttherelationship,analyzingeverydetailrepeatedlyinadesperateattemptto“figureitout.”Youtalkaboutitallthetimetoanyonewhowilllisten.Itdoesn'tdoanygood.
•Youneverfeelsureofwhereyoustandwithyourpartner,whichleavesyouinaperpetualstateofuncertaintyandanxiety.
•Youfrequentlyaskyourpartnerifsomethingiswrong.Itreallydoesfeelasifsomething'swrong,butyouarenotsurewhatitis.
•Youarefrequentlyonthedefensive.Youfeelmisunderstoodandhavetheneedtoexplainanddefendyourself.
•Youseemtohavedevelopedaproblemwithtrust,jealousy,insecurity,angeroroverreaction,whichyourpartnerhaspointedouttoyouonmanyoccasions.
•Youhavebecomeadetective.Youscourthewebforinformationaboutyourpartner,keepacloseeyeonhisorhersocialmediaaccounts,andfeelaneedtochecktheirwebsearchhistory,textsoremails.Whentheyarenotathome,youhaveadesiretoverifytheirwhereaboutsasyouworryaboutwheretheyreallyare.
•Youfeelthatyoudon’ttrulyknowhowtomakeyourpartnerhappy.Youtryhardbutnothingseemstowork,atleastnotforlong.Youusedtomakethemveryhappyandyou'renotsurewhat'schanged.
•Expressingnegativethoughtsandemotionsfeelsrestrictedorevenforbidden,soyoutrytokeepthosethingstoyourself.Youfeelfrustratedatbeingunabletotalkaboutthingsthatarebotheringyou.
•Youdon’tfeelasgoodaboutyourselfasyoudidbeforetherelationship.Youfeellessconfident,lesssecure,lessintelligent,lesssane,lesstrusting,less
attractiveorinsomeotherway“lessthan”whatyouwerebefore.
•Youalwaysfeelyou’refallingshortofyourpartner’sexpectations.Youfeelinadequate.
•Youoftenfeelguiltyandfindyourselfapologizingalot.Youcontinuallytrytorepairdamageyoubelieveyou'vecaused.Youblameyourselfforyourpartnerpullingawayfromyou.Youcan'tunderstandwhyyoukeepsabotagingtherelationship.
•Youcarefullycontrolyourwords,actionsandemotionsaroundyourpartnertokeephimorherfromwithdrawingtheiraffectionagain.
•Attimes,youeruptlikeanemotionalvolcanofilledwithanger,frustrationandevenhostility.Youhaveneveractedthiswaybeforeandvowthatyouwillstop,butnomatterhowhardyoutryitkeepshappening.
•Youdothingsyouaren'treallycomfortablewithorthatgoagainstyourvalues,limitsorboundaries,inordertomakeyourpartnerhappyandkeeptherelationshipintact.
Youshouldhaveyouranswer.
Thereisonecaveat.Ifyourpastrelationshipshavehadanongoingpatternofinsecurity,mistrustandfearofabandonment,youmayhaveapsychologicalissuethatwouldbenefitfromprofessionalintervention.
Youmightbewonderinghowyouoranyoneelsecouldstayinarelationshipthatcausesfear,anxiety,depression,self-doubt,confusionandfrustration.Wouldn'tyouknowsomethingisterriblywrong?Whywouldyoustay?
First,manipulativerelationshipsdon'tstartoutthisway.Infact,theserelationshipusuallygetofftoanamazingstart.Heorsheseemslikeyourperfectpartner--maybeevenyoursoulmate--andthehoneymoonphaseisidyllic.Whenthingstakeaturnfortheworse,youhavenoideawhatisreallygoingon.Naturally,youtrytoworkthingsoutandregainwhatwasoncesopromisingandwonderful.Havingbeenmanipulatedintoblamingyourselffortheproblems,youhangonandtrytorepairthedamageyoubelieveyoucausedandregainyourpartner'slove.Yourloyaltyseemstopayoffandyouandyourpartnerareonceagaincloseandloving...forawhile.Itbecomesacycle,oneyou'renotfullyawareof.
Second,manipulationbeginsslowlyandinsidiously,andgraduallyescalates.
"Manipulationisanevolvingprocessovertime,"accordingtoHarrietB.Braiker,PhD.,authorof"Who'sPullingYourStrings."Braikersaysvictimsarecontrolledthroughaseriesofpromisedgainsandthreatenedlosses,covertlyexecutedthroughavarietyofmanipulationtactics.Inotherwords,themanipulationbuildsgraduallyastheabusercreatesuncertaintyanddoubtbygoingbackandforthfromgivingyouwhatyoudesiretothreateningtotakeitaway.
Thiscyclewillbediscussedinmoredetailinthechapteronintermittentreinforcement.
JoeNavarro,M.A.,a25-yearveteranoftheFBIandauthorofthebookDangerousPersonalities,writes“Intheend,itdoesn’tmatterhowyougotintothatrelationship,itistherealizationthatitisone-sided,exploitative,andtoxicthatcounts.Thequestionsthatneedtobeaskedareverysimple.'Aretheyusingtheircharmsorbehaviortocontrolyouorothersfortheirownbenefit?Aretheymanipulatingyou?Aretheydoingthingsthathurtyouorputyouatrisk?Doyoufeellikethisrelationshipisonesided?Areyouhurtinginthisrelationship?'Iftheanswertothesequestionsisyes,itistimetountangleyourselffromthetoxicstringsthatcontrolyousoyoucangetyourlifeback.Takeheed-youhavenosocialobligationtobevictimized–ever."
Emotionalmanipulationisemotionalabuse.Apersonwhocontrolsyourfeelingsandbehaviorwithcovertmanipulationdoesnotvalueorrespectyouorcareaboutyourwell-being.Leavetherelationshipifatallpossible,andseekprofessionalcounselingifnecessary.Involvementwithaskilledmanipulatorcanresultinseriousandlastingpsychologicalharm.
Onlyyoucandecideifarelationshipisworthwhileandsalvageableorifitisdetrimentaltoyouandneedstoend.
Thelastchapterwillprovideyouwithresourcesthatwillenableyoutolearnhowtodealwithmanipulators.
Awarenessisoneofyourprimarydefensesagainstcovertmanipulation.Withthatthought,whatfollowsaredescriptionsofthirtycovertemotionalmanipulationtactics.Afewofthemwillbeexploredinmoredepthinchaptersthatfollow.
CHAPTERTHREE:
30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS
"Whenyouknowwhatamanwantsyouknowwhoheis,andhowtomovehim."
~GeorgeR.R.Martin
1.IntermittentReinforcement
"Themoreinfrequentlythecrumbsofloveareoffered,themorehookedyouare.Youbecomeconditioned,likearatinacage."
~Unknown
Intermittentreinforcementisanextremelypowerfulandeffectivemanipulationtactic.Infact,psychologyexpertsconsideritthemostpowerfulmotivatorinexistence.Usingthistactic,themanipulator"motivates"thevictimtobehave,thinkorfeelthewayheorshewantsthemto.
Intermittentreinforcementoccurswhenamanipulatorgiveshisvictimpositivereinforcement--attention,praise,appreciation,affection,sex,adoration,declarationsoflove--onlyonarandombasis.Theymaygivepositivereinforcementinresponsetoabehaviortheyaretryingtoincrease,ortheycanwithholdittocreateuncertainty,anxietyandlonginginthevictim.
Intermittentreinforcementcreatesaclimateofdoubt,fearandanxietythatcompelsthevictimtopersistentlyseekactsofpositivereinforcementfromthemanipulatorthatwillalleviatetheirangst.Whentherewardofpositivereinforcementisgiven,itisverypowerful.Itfloodsthebrainwithdopamineandotherfeel-goodneurotransmittersandhormones.Itcreatesaddiction.
Ifyou'reavictimofthistactic,youwillsensethemanipulatoriswithdrawing.Heorsheisnotgivingyoutheattentionandaffectionthattheyusedto,andyouwillfearthatsomethingiswrongandthatyouarelosingthem.Ifyouaskthemifsomethingiswrong,theywilldenyit.Atsomepointthemanipulatorwillactonceagainliketheattentive,romantic,interestedandlovingpersontheyoncewere.Youranxietyanddoubtarerelieved,andyouareontopoftheworld.Butthentheywithdrawagain,andyouareconsumedwithanxietyoncemore.Byusingintermittentreinforcementthemanipulatorwillhaveyouridinganemotionalrollercoaster,yourmoodsandemotionalwell-beingdependentuponwhetherheorsheiswithholdingfromyouorrewardingyou.
Themanipulatordoesthisonpurposetoincreasehisorherpowerandcontroloveryouandtomakeyouevermoredesperatefortheirlove,attentionorapproval.Youwillhavebecometheproverbiallabratlivingforarandomlydispensedmorsel.Theratthinksofnothingelse,andeitherwillyou.
Yourbondwiththemanipulatorwillbecomestrongerinresponsetointermittentreinforcement,alongwithyourdesiretopleasethemandyourfearoflosingthem.
Thisismaliciousmanipulationatitsworse.
Intermittentreinforcementisexploredinmoredepthinchapterfive.
2.NegativeReinforcement
Usingthetacticofnegativereinforcement,themanipulatorstopsdoingsomethingyoudon'tlikewhenyoustartdoingsomethingheorshedoeslike.Thismakesitmorelikelythatyouwilldowhattheylikeinthefuture.
Forexample,youbehaveinsomewaythemanipulatordoesnotwantyouto.PerhapsyougooutwithyourfriendsonFridaynightsorrefusetoparticipateinsomesexualactivityyouareaverseto.Inresponse,theyengageinbehaviorthathurtsyou,suchaswithholdingaffectionorgivingyouthesilenttreatment.Themanipulatorstopsthehurtfulbehaviorwhenyoustartactingthewayhewants,suchaspromisingtogiveupyourFridayget-togethersorengaginginthesexualactivityhedesires.
It'sverysimple.Themanipulatorknowsyouarelikelytogiveineventuallyinordertostophisorherhurtfulactions.Itisaneffectivewaytogetyoutobehavethewaytheywantyouto,andtomakeyoumorelikelytobehavethatwayagain.
3.BackingIntoanEmotionalCorner
"Yourgreatestenemywillhideinthelastplaceyouwouldeverlook."
~Caesar
You'reunstable!Youhaveaproblemwithanger!You'recrazy!
Amanipulatorwillintentionallycauseyoutohaveanemotionalmeltdown,andthentellyouthatyou'recrazyoroutofcontrol.Thepurposeistocreateaconfusingandemotionalscenethatwilldistractyoufromanissueyouconfrontedthemanipulatorabout.Theissueinsteadbecomesyourapparentemotionalinstability.Thistacticalsoallowsthemanipulatortogainmorepowerandcontrol.
Here'sanexampleofhowthistacticisputintoplay:
Youareupsetbysomethingthemanipulatordidandyouconfronthimorheraboutit.Perhapshedidsomethingthatarousedyoursuspicionorangeredyou.Themanipulatordoesnotwanttoconfronttheissueathand,soheobfuscatesitbyturningthefocusontoyoubyusingyouremotionsagainstyou.Hedoesnotmentiontheissueyoubroughtup;instead,heimmediatelyshiftsthefocustoyourapparentinsecurityorjealousyorsuspiciousnature,whichhesaysisunacceptable.
Youbecomedefensive,frustratedandupset.Themanipulatorseizesonyouremotionalupset,andsayssomethinglike"YoualreadyknowIwon'ttolerateyouraisingyourvoiceatme,"or"IsitPMStimeagain?"or"You'renottryingtopickanotherfight,areyou?"or"Icanseeyou'reheadedtowardoneofyourmeltdowns."Thiswillincreaseyourfrustrationandmakeyoubecomeevenmoreemotional.
Thenthemanipulatorwilltellyouthathecan'tdealwiththisanymore,thathe'sbecomingtiredofyourdramaandyouroverreaction.Atthispoint(ifyouhaven'tdonesoalready)you'llhaveanemotionalmeltdownandthencollapseintofrustratedsobs.Thenthemanipulatorwillannouncethatyou'reunstableorcrazyorabusiveorthatyouhaveanangermanagementproblem,andsaysthathewillleaveyouifyoucan'tgetyouryourselfundercontrol.
Themanipulatorbackedyouintoanemotionalcorner.Predictably,youcame
outswinging.
Themanipulatorwillstormoffinfeignedangerandbeginaprotractedepisodeofthesilenttreatment,whichisyetanotherwaytoavoidtherealissue(andanothermanipulationtactic).
Youareashamedathowyouactedandfeeldisappointedinyourself.Youcan'tunderstandwhyyoukeepgoingoffthedeepend.Youwillcometobelievethatyouactuallydohaveanemotionalproblem,onethatissabotagingyourpreviouslywonderfulrelationship.Youvowtoyourselfnottoletithappenagain,butsuppressingyourfrustrationonlyguaranteesthatyourbuttonswillbeeveneasiertopushnexttime.
Youunwittinglyenteraviciouscyclewithnowayout.
Whenyou'vebeenbackedintoanemotionalcorner,actingoutdoesnotmeanyou'recrazyorthatyouhaveanangermanagementproblem.Itmeansyou'reanormalpersonreactingtoanintenselystressfulsituation.Butwhenyouhaveanemotionalreactiontothatstress,you'remadetobelieveyouhaveaproblem.
Youremotionalreactionstomanipulationarenottheproblem--themanipulationistheproblem.
Thisispsychologicalwarfareatitslowest.
4.ShiftingTheFocus
Shiftingthefocususuallyhappensalongwiththetacticofbackingintoanemotionalcorner,butitcanhappenevenifyouconfrontamanipulatorinamatter-of-factway,withoutemotionaldrama,andheorshehassomethingtohide.
Withthistactic,youattempttotalkaboutaconcernyouhavewiththemanipulator,suchasuspicionthatheorsheischeatingonyou.Insteadofdealingwiththestatedconcern,themanipulatorsimplydeniesyourallegations,expressesincredulitythatyoucouldeventhinksuchathingaboutthem,andthendiscussestherealproblem--yoursupposedcharacterflaw,suchasinsecurityorjealousy--makingitclearthattheyfindithighlyunattractive.Sincethisisyetanothertacticthatmakesyoubelievetherelationshipisintroubleanditisyourfault,youlearnnotaskquestionsandinsteaddoubtyoursuspicionsandyourself.
Aninterestingandsurprisinglycommonexampleofshiftingthefocus:
Youhavestrongsuspicionsthatyourpartnerishavinganaffair.Gainingaccesstohisorheremailortextmessagesrevealsevidencethatsupportsyoursuspicions.Youconfrontthemanipulatorwiththeevidence,butthefocusisimmediatelyshiftedtoyourinvasionofhisorherprivacyand(ironically)toyourlackoftrust.Somehow,itworks.Manipulatorswilltryanything,nomatterhowoutrageousitmaybe,andtheyareoftensuccessful.
Whenyouareimmersedintheconfusingworldtheycreate,normalrulesdon'tseemtoapplyanymore.
5.PrematureDisclosure
Usingthistactic,manipulatorsrevealintimateinformationaboutthemselvesearlyontocreateafalsesenseofintimacyforthepurposeofgainingyourtrust.
Themanipulator'sself-disclosurecanincludetheirthoughts,feelings,goals,fears,dreams,embarrassments,likesanddislikes,andsuccessesandfailures.You’llfeelfreetodisclosethingsaboutyourselfinreturn.
Self-revelationinvolvesvulnerabilitybecauseoftheriskofrejection,butwhenthedisclosureismetwithacceptanceandunderstanding,itcreatesemotionalintimacyandtrust.Thisisespeciallysowhenthemanipulatorsaysshefeelsthesamewayyoudo,thatshelikesthesamethingsorthatshehadtheverysamethinghappentoher.
Thereisalsotheopportunitytoimpressthetargetbydisclosingachievementsandphilanthropicorcompassionateacts.
Manipulatorscountonthisnormalbondingbehaviortoworkintheirfavor.
6.Triangulation
"Neverlettheotherpersonuseabsence,orcreatepainandconflict,tokeepyou,theseduced,ontenterhooks."
~RobertGreene,TheArtofSeduction
Triangulationisadeviousandeffectivetacticinamanipulator’sarsenal.Themanipulatorcreatesatrianglebetweenyou,himorher,andsomethirdpersonoutsideofyourrelationship.Itisintendedtomakeyoufeelinsecureabouttherelationship,andthereforemoreeagertopleasethemanipulatorinordertokeephimorheraround.
Themanipulatorwillfiguratively(orliterally)bringanothermanorwomanintotherelationshipinsomeway.Theymighttalkcasually--andfrequently--aboutanoldflame,acoworkerorsomeonetheybumpintoregularlyontheirmorningcoffeerun.Ortheymightobviouslyflirtwithsomeoneinfrontofyou.Theirinterestintheotherpersoncreatesinsecurity.Iftheymakesubtleunfavorablecomparisonsbetweenyouandtheoutsideperson,whichthey'reapttodo,thatmakesitmuchworse.
Ifyouconfrontthemtheywilldenyinterestintheotherpersonandtellyouthattherealproblemisyourinsecurityorlowself-esteem.Wherehaveyouheardthatbefore?
Itisnotuncommonforthemanipulatortobegroomingtheotherpersonashisorhernexttarget,whileconvenientlyusingthatpersontodevalueandmanipulateyouatthesametime.Forexample,themanipulatormightflirtwithanotherwomaninfrontofyousohecanbuildhisrelationshipwithherwhilecausingyoutobehavejealously,whichcanthenbeusedasthereasontoendyourrelationship.
Inahealthyrelationship,youwillknowwhereyoustandwithyourpartner.Amanipulatorcreatesanongoingsenseofuncertainly.
7.BlamingTheVictim
"You’vesaddledmewithalieIneverdeserved...youledmetobelieveIwasresponsible."
~ThePrize,IrvingWallaceWiththistactic,themanipulatorholdsthevictimresponsiblefortheproblemsinarelationship.Thistacticisapowerfulmeansofputtingyouonthedefense(whichmakesyoulookguilty)ormakingyoubelieveyoutrulyaretheonetoblame.
Astherelationshipgoesbadandwhenitfinallycomestoanend,themanipulatorwillclaimthatyouaretheoneatfault.Theymayevenmanipulatemutualfriendsandfamilyintobelievingyouaretheonetoblame,turningthemagainstyou.Justwhenyouneedsupport,youfindyourselfwithlittleornone.Skilledmanipulatorsalwayspretendtheyare,orwere,thevictim.
8.IndirectInsultsandAbuse
"Alwaysremember,heknowsEXACTLYwhichbuttonstopush."
~unknown
Name-callingandinsultsaredirectandobviouslyaggressiveandabusive.Anunderhandedwaytodisguiseaggressionandabuseistodeliveritwithouttheangryorsarcastictoneofvoiceandtomakeitsoundliketeaching,helping,givingadviceorofferingsolutions.Itappearstobeasincereattempttohelportocompliment,butit’sactuallytheopposite.It'sapowerfulwaytoundermineyourconfidenceinyourselfandyourabilities.
Forexample,amanipulatormighttellyouthatyouwouldbelessboringasadancepartnerifyoutookafewlessons(whenyouneverknewheconsideredyouboringtodancewith);orshemighttellyouthatshethinksyou'reaperfectly"adequate"partnerwhenyouquestionheraboutwhatyousenseasheremotionalwithdrawal;orhemightsaythathelovesitwhenyouwearthatdressbecauseithassuchaslimmingeffectonyou.
Theseindirectinsultsaresometimescalledbackhandedcompliments,butthatdoesn'tdojusticetotheeffectthistactichaswhenthemanipulator--someonewhomyouconsiderclosetoyouandwhomyoubelievehasyourbestinterestatheart--zerosinonyourbiggestinsecuritiesordisparageswhatyouconsideryourbestqualities.
9.InsinuatingCommentsorCompliments
Themanipulator"innocently"makeswhatisactuallyacarefullycraftedinsinuatingcommentdesignedtoevokeanuncomfortableemotionalresponse.Whenyoutakeoffense,hewilltellyouthatisnotwhatheintended.Thestatementisusuallydisguisedasa"compliment,"butit'sonethatdoesnotfeelveryflattering.Itisdisguisedenough,though,foryoutobelieveyoumighthavemisunderstood.
Themanipulatorknowswhatwillbotheryou,andheorshewillenjoydroppingabomblikethisandwatchingthefallout.Theircommentisdesignedtohaveseveralpossiblemeanings,manyofwhichwillinspirehurtfeelingsanddoubt.Youmayfeelflummoxedandleftwithoutameaningfulresponsewhenyoufirsthearitbecauseithassomanypossibleinterpretations.
Asanexample,yourpartnersmilesandsays,“Youknowwhat?Youcouldmakealotofmoneyasaprostitute!”afteryou'vehadsexwithhim.Whenyouquestionhimhewilltellyouhemeantitasacompliment.Butyouwillwonderwhathereallymeant,foralongtimetocome.
Fortheexamplegiven,youmightwonderwhyyourpartnerwasthinkingaboutprostituteswhenhewasinbedwithyou;whyheknowssomuchaboutprostitutioninthefirstplace;whathereallythinksofyou;andtheamountyoushouldputonthebillyou'retemptedtosendtohim.Andyouwillalsowonderifhewasjustcomplimentingyouonhowgreataloverhethinksyouare,ashesaidhewas.
Commentslikethesewillgotoworkonyouandprovidethefuelforplentyofresentment,futureargumentsandrelationshipinsecurity.It'seasyforthemanipulatortomakeitlooklikeamisunderstandingonyourpart,butthereinliestheclue:themanipulatorsaysheorshemeantitasaninnocentcomplimentthatyousimplymisunderstood.Ofcourseyoudid;acomplimentdoesn'tusuallyhurtyourfeelingsandleaveyouwonderingaboutitsrealmeaningforyearstocome.
10.Guilt
Askilledmanipulatorcanmakeyoufeelincrediblyguiltyfornotdoingsomethingtheywantyoutodo.Yourconscienceandyourdesiretobeagoodpersoncanbeusedtocontrolyou.Theycanmakeyoulosesightofthefactthatyoudon'twanttodowhatthemanipulatorwantsyoutodo,butyou'vebeenmadetofeelthatyoushoulddoit.
Manyofusareconditionedtofeelguiltbyourfamily,religionandsociety,soitiseasyformanipulatorstomakeusfeelit,too.Beingabletofeelguiltmeanswehaveaconscience.It'snotabadthing,exceptwhenit'sexploited.
Guiltisanegativeemotionexperiencedwhenwebelievewehaveharmedsomeoneorwhensomethingwe'vedone,orfailedtodo,madesomeonethinkpoorlyofus.Ournaturalreactionistoapologize,makeamends,andactinawaythatwillmaketheotherpersonthinkhighlyofusagain,whichmeansactinginthewaythatpersonwantsustoact.
Guiltiscloselyrelatedtoshameandanxiety.Itisanuncomfortableemotion,sowearehighlymotivatedtoavoidit.Weevadethetormentofguiltbybehavingthewayothersexpectusto.Manipulatorsknowthisalltoowellanduseittotheiradvantage.
Thefollowingareexamplesofstatementsthatcansendusonaguilttrip:
"Ican'tbelieveyouwouldeventhinkthatIwouldlietoyou!"
"HowcanyoufeelthatwayafterallI'vedoneforyou?"
"Don'tworry,IguessI'llmanagesomehowifyouwon'thelpmeout."
"Ifyoureallylovedme,youwould___________________"(fillintheblankwithanythingamanipulatorwantsyoutodothatissomethingyoudonotwanttodo.)
11.Shame
Wefeelshamewhensomeonecommunicatestousthatwearenotworthyofrespect.Amanipulatormakesavictimfeelshamebyexpressingdisgustordisappointment,usingsarcasmorput-downs,orcomparingustosomeoneelsetheyclaimtothinkisbetterinsomeway.
Shameisaverypowerfultoolforamanipulator.Fewemotionalstatesaremorepainfulthanshame.Wefeelguiltyforwhatwedo,butwefeelshameforwhatweare.Shameisafeelingofdeephumiliation,andsomemanipulatorsenjoymakingtheirvictimfeelhumiliated.Itplacestheminasuperiorposition.
AccordingtoclinicalpsychologistGershenKaufman,"Shameisthemostdisturbingexperienceindividualseverhaveaboutthemselves;nootheremotionfeelsmoredeeplydisturbingbecauseinthemomentofshametheselffeelswoundedfromwithin."
Inrelationships,wefeelshamefromanythingwesayordothatwebelieveweakensthebondorcausesrejection.Manyofthemanipulationtacticsdescribedhereaccomplishoneorbothofthose.
Shamecanturnintothepervasivebeliefthatyouareinsomewayinherentlydefectiveorunacceptable,sothismanipulationtacticcancauseseriouspsychologicalharm.Yoursenseofself-worthwillsuffer,andthatwillhaveanegativeeffectonallaspectsofyourlife.
12.EmptyWords
"Thebasictoolforthemanipulationofrealityisthemanipulationofwords."
~PhilipK.Dick
Manipulatorsareliarswhothinknothingofmakingapromiseorcommitmenttheyhavenointentionofkeeping.Theyarealsoconsummateseducerswhocanturnonthecharmandtellyouexactlywhatyouwanttohear:“Iloveyou.”
“You’resospecialtome.”
“Idon'tknowhowIgotsolucky.”
“I’vewaitedmywholelifeforyou.”
Whenamanipulatoruttersthesewordstheyarebackedupbynothing,butyoumaynotnoticethathisorheractionsaretellingaverydifferentstory.
Usingemptywordstofulfillyourneedforapproval,love,validation,admiration,appreciationorreassurancegivesamanipulatorincrediblepoweroveryou.Theytellyouwhatyouwanttohearinordertogetwhattheywant.
Alwaysremember:Actionsspeaklouderthanwords.
Ifyoueverfeelconfusedbecausesomeonetellsyouthattheyloveyoubuttheydon'tactliketheydo,judgethembytheiractionsalone.Youwillhaveyouranswer.
13.Crazymaking
It'scalledcrazymakingforareason.Whenusingthistactic,amanipulatorsimplydenieseverhavingsaidsomethingtheydidindeedsay.Itcouldhappenamonthlater,ayearlateroraminutelater.
Youknowthemanipulatorsaidit,theyknowtheysaidit,andtheyknowyouknowtheysaidit.Butnoneofthatmatters;theywillsimplyinsisttheyneversaidwhateveritwastheysaid,andhopeyoubelievethem.
Ifyoufeelyouneedtohaveataperecorderrunningwheneveryoutalktosomeone,youareavictimofcrazymaking.
14.Gaslighting
Usingthetacticofgaslighting,themanipulatordenies,andthereforeinvalidates,reality.Invalidatingrealitydistortsorunderminesthevictim’sperceptionsoftheirworldandcanevenleadthemtoquestiontheirownsanity.
"Idon'tknowwhereyougotthatidea."
"It'sallinyourhead."
"You'vealwayshadabadmemory!"
"Thatneverhappened.Areyoucrazy?"
"Youmustbetryingtoconfuseme."
"You'reimaginingthings."
"Ihavenoideawhatyou'retalkingabout."
Thiskindofdeceptionseemslikeitwouldbeobvious,butitusuallybeginsverygraduallyandincreasesinfrequencyandseverityovertime.Itleadstoanxiety,depressionandconfusion.Victimseventuallyquestiontheir‘version’ofreality.Whentheynolongertrusttheirownperceptions,theyrelyonthemanipulatortodefinerealityandcannolongerfunctionindependently.Havingrenderedthevictimcompletelyhelplessandlackinginanyself-esteem,themanipulatorisabletoexercisetotaldominationandgetwhateveritistheywant,whetheritisafeelingofsuperiority,financialcontrolorsexualbenefits.
Examplesofgaslighting:
Amanipulatorclaimsthatthevictimismistakeninherbeliefthathewantedacommitted,long-termrelationship,eventhougheverythinghedidandsaidcreatedthatbelief.
Amanipulatorsayssomethinginanangrytoneofvoice,butwhenthevictimbecomesupsetthemanipulatordenieshavingusedanangrytone.
Amanipulatordeliberatelyupsetsavictim,andthenmocksthemorputsthemdownfor"overreacting."
Amanipulatorpurposelywithholdscertaindetails,andlatertriesconvincingthevictimthattheydidindeedtellthemthemissingdetails.
Amanipulatormovesitemsfromoneplacetoanotherandthendenieshavingdoneso.
Amanipulatorassertssomethinguntruewithenoughconvictionandintensitythatthevictimbelievesit.
Youmightbeavictimofgaslightingifyouapologizeoften,havetroublemakingdecisions,havechangedsignificantlyoverthecourseoftherelationship,feelyou'reinaconstantstateofbewilderment,orhavebecomereclusiveandwithdrawn.
Gaslightingisevenmoreeffectivewhenusedincombinationwithothertechniquesofmanipulation.Youmayhavenoticedthatmanyothertacticsincludetheelementofdenyingavictim'sreality.
15.Minimizing
Themanipulatorusesthistactictoconvinceyouthatsomethingshedidthatwaswrongreallywasn'tasbadasyouthinkitis.Shewilltellyouthatyou’remakingabigdealoutofnothingorthatyou’reexaggeratingoroverreactingwhenyouconfrontheraboutherwrongdoing.
Youcanbesurethatifamanipulatorusesthistactic,theywillengageinthesamebadbehaviorinthefuture.
16.TheSilentTreatment
Supposedlybecauseofsomethingyoudid,themanipulatorrefusestocommunicatewithyouandusesemotionalorphysicalwithdrawalaspunishment.Thisiscommonlycalledthesilenttreatment,stonewallingorwithholding.
Itconveyscontemptandcommunicatesthatyouarenotworththemanipulator’sacknowledgementofyourexistence,letalonehisorhertime,love,attentionorconsideration,accordingtoSteveBecker,LCSW.Hewrites,“Thesilencer'saimis,aboveall,tosilencecommunication.Morespecifically,itistorendertheotherinvisibleand,insodoing,inducefeelingsofpowerlessnessandshame.”
Beckersaysthesilenttreatment"isatechniqueoftorture.Thismaysoundhyperbolic,buthumanbeingsneed(onthemostbasiclevel)recognitionoftheirexistence.Thewithholdingofthisrecognition,especiallyifprotracted,canhavesoul-warpingconsequencesonpersonality.”
Givingthesilenttreatmentisaneffectivewayforamanipulatortogetyoutobehaveasheorshewantsyouto.
17.Lying
Lyingisthegranddaddyofmanipulationtactics.Purposefulmanipulatorsliefrequentlyandwithoutremorse,andhaveanarsenaloflyingstylestoworkfrom.Othersmayfeelremorsebutwilllieanywaytogetwhattheywant.
Manipulatorswillsayanythingtogetresults.Manyareexpertliarswholieconvincingly,frequentlyandwithimpunity.
Basically,alieisafalsestatementdeliberatelypresentedasthetruth.Buttherearemanyotherwaystoliethatgofarbeyondsimplymakingablatantlyfalsestatement.Thosestatementsoftenwork,though,becausewecan'tbelievethatsomeonewetrustwouldlookusintheeyeandtellussuchabrazen,bald-facedlie.
Liesofomissionareoneofthemoresubtleformsoflying.Insteadofmakingadeceptivestatement,theliarwithholdsthetruth.Forexample,themanipulatormaynottellyouhe’smarriedifhethinksitwouldstopyoufrombecominginvolvedwithhim.Hedidn'ttellyouhewasn'tmarried;hejustdidn'ttellyouthathewas.
Vaguenessisanothersubtleformoflying.Whenyouconfrontamanipulatoraboutsomething,theyrespondbuttheiranswerislackingindetails.Theycountonyounottoprobethemformoreinformation.
Anespeciallyeffectivewaytolieistohideitinthemiddleofalitanyoftruths.
Liarslietoavoidtakingresponsibilityortogetyoutobelievewhattheywantyoutobelieveinordertogetsomethingtheywant.
18.Invalidation
Invalidationisrejecting,diminishing,ignoring,judgingormakingfunofsomeone'sfeelings.Invalidationisahighlydetrimentalformofemotionalmanipulation.Unfortunately,ithappensalltoooftenandthereevenseemstobeanepidemicofitinsociety.
Peopleinvalidateothersforavarietyofreasons,sometimespurposefullyandsometimesnot.Anabuserwilluseinvalidationasatoolofmanipulationandasaweapon.Otherswhoinvalidatemaybeshortonempathy.Somemayfeeluncomfortablewithyourpain,orfeelpowerlesstodoanythingtohelpyou.Othersaresimplyjealous.
Examplesofinvalidatingstatements,madeinresponsetoyouexpressingyourfeelingsortalkingaboutadifficultsituation:Youshouldbeashamedofyourselfforfeelingthatway.
Itcouldbeworse.
Youshouldn’tfeelthatway.
Justdon’tworryaboutit.
Getoverit.
Stoptakingeverythingsopersonally.
Lightenup.
That’snotthewaythingsare.
Youmustbekidding.
Itcan’tbethatbad.
You’rejusttired.
It’snotworthgettingupsetover.
Justdropit.
Youshouldjustforgetaboutit.
I’msureshedidn’tmeanthat.
Youshouldn’tletitbotheryou.
Timehealsallwounds.
Everycloudhasasilverlining.
Youcanchoosetobehappy.
It'sfrustratingnotfeelingunderstoodandnotgettingtheemotionalsupportyoureachedoutfor.Invalidationmakesyouwonderifthereissomethingwrongwithyouforfeelingthewayyoudo.Itunderminesself-confidencebecauseitcausesself-doubt.Thisinturndiminishesself-esteem.
Invalidationwillbeexploredinmoredepthinalaterchapter.
19.Charm
"Theyknowwhatmakesuslaugh,whatmakesusfearful,whatexcitesus,whatturnsusoff,andaboveall,whatmakesusvulnerable."
~GeorgeSimon,PhD,expertincharacterdisorders
Skilledmanipulatorsexcelathidingtheirtruecharacterandpresentingthemselvesascharmingandseductive.Ifyouthinkyouwouldneverfallforit,thinkagain.
Allofusturnonthecharmandputourbestfootforwardinanewrelationship,butmanipulatorsusecharmtoadvanceahiddenagenda.Manipulatorsusecharmasawaytodisarmyouandgainyourtrust.Theymakeyoufeelinteresting,liked,valuedandappreciated.Skilledmanipulatorsaresociallyintelligentconartistsadeptatexpressinginterestinyouandyourwelfare,andatopeninguptoyouandappearingvulnerable.
Howcanyoutellthedifferencebetweenbenigncharmandmaliciouscharm?Listentoyourgutinstincts,accordingtoDr.GeorgeSimon.Onhiswebsite,manipulative-people.com,hewrites"Psychopathsandtheotherdisturbedcharactertypes...tendtoexudeasuperficialcharmorglibnessintheirinterpersonalmanner.Itoftengoesunnoticedasthehugeredflagitis...butitcanbedetectedifyouknowjustwhattolookfor.The'smoothness'orsocialfacilitytheseindividualsdisplayisgenerallynotmatchedbycongruentandconcomitantemotion.Theymayhaveaveryeasy'waywithwords'...butusuallytheirsmoothtalkisnotaccompaniedbyanyemotionthatmatcheswhatthey’resayingorthatcanbesensedandfeltbyothersasgenuine.Still...youcaneasilydoubtyourgutinstincts(thinkingthattheymustbebeinggenuine)andallowyourselftobeundulyswayed."
Onceamaliciouscharmerdisarmsyourgutinstincts,youarebasicallydefenseless.
20.IntentionalForgetting
Themanipulatorpretendsheorsheforgotsomethingthat'simportanttoyou,suchasanagreement,apromiseoracommitment,orevenaningredientyouneedfordinnerthatnightthatheagreedtopickuponhiswayover.Themanipulatorwilllookyouintheeyeandkeepastraightfaceastheytellyouthey'resorry,buttheysimplyforgotyourrequestortheydon'trecallmakingthatagreement.Whenamanipulator"forgets"somethingthatisimportanttoyou,theyareattemptingtoevaderesponsibilitybyblamingsomethingoutoftheircontrol.
Inaddition,themanipulatorisimplyingthatwhateveritwastheyforgotwasn'timportantenoughforthemtoremember,andneitherareyou.
21.BrandishingAnger,or"TraumaticOne-TrialLearning"
Themanipulatorwillputonanactofintenseangerforthepurposeofshockingyouintosubmission.Thisiscalled‘traumaticone-triallearning,’becauseitwillquicklytrainyoutoavoidconfronting,upsettingorcontradictingthemanipulator.
22.Scapegoating
Ascapegoatisdefinedasapersonoranimalthattakesonthesinsofothers.Theyareunfairlyblamedforotherpeople'sproblems.Ascapegoatisalsoknownasa‘whippingboy’ora‘fallguy.’
Scapegoatingistheprocessofsinglingoutavictimandmakingthemresponsibleforproblemswhentheyarenotreallytheonewhodeservestheblame.Apersoncanbemadeintoascapegoatforarelationshiporforanentirefamilyorevenaworkplace.
Skilledmanipulatorsusuallyscapegoatanotherpersononpurpose,whileothersunconsciously"project"theirunwantedthoughtsandfeelingsontoanothertomakethemtaketheblamefortheirownmistakesorshortcomings,whichrelievestheonedoingthescapegoatingofshame,blameandresponsibility.
Manyofthemanipulationtacticslistedhereincludeanelementofvictimblaming,butscapegoatinggoesbeyondthat.Peoplewhoaremadeintoscapegoatsfeeldeepandpersistentshameanddevelopavictimmentality.
23.Belittling
Themanipulatorwilldiminishandbelittlethevictim'sopinionsandideaseitherverballyornon-verbally,throughtheuseofeye-rolls,scoffs,smugsmiles,sarcasmoramockingtoneofvoice.
Thistacticinducesshameandhumiliation,crushesyourself-esteemandmakesyoumuchlesswillingtovoiceyouropinionsandideasinthefuture.
Diminishingavictim'sselfesteemmakesiteasyforamanipulatortoputhimselfincontrol.
24.PuttingYouOntheDefensive
Manyofthecoverttacticslistedherewillputyouonthedefensive,meaningthattheycauseyoutofeelyoumustverballydefendwhoyouare,whatyoubelieve,orwhatthetruthis.It'sanimportantsigntolookforifyou'retryingtodetermineifyou'reavictimofmanipulation.
Thereisareasonmanipulatorswanttoputyouonthedefense.Covertmanipulationtacticstriggeryoutoreactemotionallyinsteadofrespondingrationally,whichisexactlywhatthemanipulatorwants.Calm,rationalconversationsdon'talwaysgointheirfavor.Inaddition,theycanuseyouremotionalreactionsagainstyouiftheychooseto,asyou'veseeninseveralothertactics.
25.CreatingFear
Whatmanyofthesemanipulationtacticshaveincommonisthattheymakethevictimfeelfear–namely,thefearoflosingthemanipulatorandtherelationship.Wedon’twanttolosethem,soweactinthewaytheywantustoactinordertoavoidthatloss.
Inthissituation,it'sconvenientthatthepersonwhocreatedourfearistheonlyonewhocanrelieveourfear,soweunwittinglyendupgivingthemallthepowerintherelationship.Creatingfearisapowerfulwaytogaincontrol.Politiciansdoitallthetime.Theycreateorexaggerateapotentiallydangerousproblem,andthentellyouthatifyouvoteforthemthey'llprotectyoufromit.
26.ThePityPlay
“Iamsurethatifthedevilexisted,hewouldwantustofeelverysorryforhim.”
~MarthaStout,authorofTheSociopathNextDoor:TheRuthlessVersustheRestofUs
Usingthistactic,themanipulatorwillinspireyourpitybymakingthemselveslooklikethevictimofcircumstanceorofsomeunfairpersonororganization.Thiselicitsyoursympathy–andyourcooperation–becauseasapersonwithaconscience,youcan’tstandtoseesomeoneelsesuffering.Manipulatorsknowhowtotakeadvantageofourconscience!
Usingthepityplaytactic,themanipulatorwilltellyouasadstorythattugsuponyourheartstrings.Theymighttellyoutheywereunfairlyfiredfromtheirjobandneedmoneytopaythebills,orthatthey'vebeenunfairlyevictedbytheircrazylandlordandneedaplacetostay,onlyuntiltheyfindanewapartment.Oh,andthelandlordkepttheirsecuritydepositsothey'llneedtosavemoneyforanotheroneandwon'tbeabletohelpyouwithlivingexpenses.
Thepityplaycanbemuchmoresubtle.Ifyoufindoutyournewloveinterestismarriedbutdidn'tsayso,heorshewilltellyouaheartbreakingstoryoftheirspouse'semotionalneglectandtheterriblelonelinessthey'veenduredbecauseofit.They'llsaythattheyonlystayedinthemarriagebecausetheyneverimaginedtheywouldmeetsomeoneelse,especiallysomeoneaswonderfulasyou.Asmymanipulatortoldme,"Igaveup.Iputmyheartonashelf.IneverdreamedI'dfallinloveagain!Andnowhereyouare...Ishouldhavetoldyou,butIwassoscaredI'dloseyou!"
Notawordofitwastrue,butitworked.IfeltsosorryforthispoorlonelyandhopelessmanwhohadgivenuponlifeuntilIcamealongandrevivedhisheart.
27.Rationalization
Thisisalsoknownasjustificationorexcuse-making.Themanipulatorcreatesreasonsfortheirbadbehaviorthatsoundlogicalandrational,inordertomaketheiractionsmoreunderstandable,acceptableorappropriate.Theydothistogetyouofftheirbacksotheycancontinuedoingwhattheyfeellikedoing.
"Everymanwatchesporn!it'snotjustme."
"WhatIdidwasn'tillegal;ifitweretherewouldbealawagainstit,right?"
"I'msorryIhityou.Ijustlostmymindforaminutebecauseyoupushedsomanyofmybuttons."
Whenyoutrustsomeoneandwanttothinkthebestofthem,youstrivetounderstandtheirbehavior.Manipulatorsarehappytohelpyoudothat.
28.Flattery
“Anyhalfway-cleverdevilwoulddecoratethehighwaytohellasbeautifullyaspossible.”
~CrissJami
You,mydearreader,arestrikinglyintelligent,soIknowyouwilllearntorecognizethemanipulationtacticofflattery.
Flatteryisexcessiveorfalsepraiseandcomplimentsgiveninanefforttoingratiateyoutoamanipulatorinordertoadvancetheirhisorherownagenda.
Manipulatorsuseflatterybecauseitworks.Wewanttofeelgoodaboutourselves,sowelikeotherswhomakeusfeelthatway.Whenwethinksomeonerecognizesandappreciatesourgoodqualities,itcanhaveapowerfuleffectonus.
Flatterycanmakeyoufeelbeautiful,intelligent,appreciated,valued,lovable,sexyorspecial.Youmaythinkyouwouldnoticeinsincerepraiseandcompliments,butskilledmanipulatorscanpullitoffwithoutyounoticing.Ifflatteryaccompaniesanobviousulteriormotive,it'seasytospot.Butifamanipulatorkeepshisulteriormotivehidden,itcanbeeasytoacceptasgenuine.Afterall,ifthispersondoesn'tseemtowantanythingfromyou--ifthey'renotsellingyousomething,tryingtogetyouinbed,hopingforaraiseoraskingyouforaloan--whywouldtheybebutteringyouup?
Justasamanipulator'sagendacanbekepthidden,socantheirflattery.Therearemethodsofflatterythatareverysubtleorcraftilydisguised.
Oneofthemostsubtleformsofflatteryisbeingaskedforyouradvice.Itconveystheideathatthemanipulatorrespectsandadmiresyouropinions,knowledgeorskill.
Anotherwaytodisguiseflatteryistoprefaceitwithadisclaimer,suchas"Idon'twanttoembarrassyou,but..."or"Iknowyouwon'twantmetosaythis,but..."
Anothermethodofdisguiseisfortheflatterertodisagreewithyourpointofviewatfirst,andthencomearoundtoagreeingwithyou.Thistechniquewillmakeyoufeelsmart,persuasiveandlistenedto.
Complimentingyoutopeopleyouknowwhenyou'renotpresentandexpectingthey'llpassthecomplimentontoyouisaneffectivedisguise.Usingthismethod,theflattereravoidslookinglikeanobvioussuck-up.
Whensomeonecomplimentsaqualityyouhavethatisseldomnoticedorappreciatedbyothers,it'sapowerfulmaneuverthatleadsyoutobelievethemanipulatorisabletorecognizeyourbestpointsandthattheyvaluethem.That'sjustthekindofpersonwewantinourlives.Skilledmanipulatorsexcelatreadingpeopleandfiguringouttheiremotionalneeds.Theyalsoexcelatpretendingtofulfillthem.
29.LoveBombing
"Yoursisthelightbywhichmyspirit’sborn:youaremysun,mymoon,andallmystars."
~E.E.Cummings"LoveBombing"isaspecialformofflatterythatdeservesitsowncategory.Manipulatorsemploylovebombingtoensnareatarget.Itisaveritablecampaignofflatterythat"bombs"thetargetwithnon-stoppositivereinforcementthatincludescompliments,praiseandappreciation;declarationsofonce-in-a-lifetimelove;spendingasmuchtimeaspossiblewiththem;frequentcalls,textsandemails;gift-giving;fantasticlovemaking;andengaginginmanyfunandromanticactivities.Itcan(anddoes)happenstrictlyonlineaswell.
Whatgreaterflatterycouldtherepossiblybethanhavingsomeonewhobelievesyou'rethemostwonderfulpersonthey'veeverknown,someonewhotrulyappreciatesyouandbelievesyouareworthyoftheirtime,attention,energyandheart?Thevictimissweptofftheirfeet,straightintoarelationshipthatwillturnintotheworstexperienceoftheirlife.
Acluethatyou'rebeingmanipulatedwithlovebombingistherapidpacesetbythemanipulator.Itleavesyouwithouttimetocomeupforairandthinkclearlyandcarefullyaboutwhothispersonreallyisandwhattheirmotivationsare.Whensomeonedeclaresundyingloveforyoubeforetheyreallyknowyou,chancesaregoodthattheirfeelingsaresuperficialandthatthey'llfalloutoflovewithyoujustasquickly.Thatdoesn'tmeanthey'llmoveon,though;itmeansthey'llstickaroundlongenoughtodevalueyouslowlyandmethodically,formanymonthsorevenyears,andcauseyoutodevalueyourselfintheprocess.
Yourbestdefenseistoslowthepaceofanyrelationshipthatbeginswithsuchidealizationandintensity.Easiersaidthandonewhenyoubelieveyou'vemetyoursoulmate!Keepitinmindanyway.Remember,ittakestimetogettoknowsomeone'struecharacter.Somepeopleareverydifferentthanwhotheyfirstappeartobe.Weallbelievewe'regoodjudgesofcharacter,butintruthwe'renot.Thereisnoshortcut;ittakestimeandobservation.Takeplentyoftime--atleastayear,preferablymore--toobserveapotentialpartnerinavarietyofsituations.Judgethembytheiractions,neverbytheirwords.Maintainyourgoals,boundaries,activities,interestsandrelationships.Ifthepersonreallylovesyou,theywon'tgoanywhere.
"Manyspiritualtraditionsrecognizethatwhenthedarkoneappearsheismostbeautiful,mostwonderfulandmostengaging.Thetruthonlycomesoutlater."
~unknown
30.TranceandHypnosis
Hypnosisissimplyacontrolledtrance.Atranceisanalteredmentalstateweenterasacommonandnormaloccurrence,whichiswhatmakesitsoeasyforaskilledmanipulatortoinduceorcontrol.
Wheninatrancestate,youareextremelyrelaxedandyourattentionishyper-focusedonapersonoractivity.Ifyou'veeverbeensothoroughlyabsorbedinsomethingthatyouwereoblivioustodistractionsandtothepassageoftime--whichisknownasa"flowstate"--you'vebeeninatrance.
Wecanslipintoatrancefromanythingwitharepetitiveelementofmovement,vision,sound,thoughtsortouch.Flickeringcandlelight,dance,sex,massage,videogames,longdrives,meditation,musicandthesoundofsomeone'svoiceareallcapableofinducingtrance.Atranceishighlypleasingtoboththeconsciousandsubconsciousmind.
Wecanalsogointoatrancewhenourattentionbecomesnarrowlyfocusedonanotherpersonwhoseattentionisfocusednarrowlyonus.Psychopathsnaturallyfocusintenselyontheirtargets,justasapredatorfocusesintenselyonitsprey.Theyarevery"present"whenthey're"interested"insomeone,andthatintensepresence--communicatedthroughunwaveringeyecontactandfocused,heightenedattention--caninduceasimilarreactioninthepersonwhoistheobjectoftheirfocus.Thisisnotdonepurposely;it'ssimplyaneffectoftheirnaturalwayofbeing.
Manypeoplesaythe"psychopathicstare"causeschillsandafeelingofaversion.Ifastrangerlooksatyouthatwayinthegrocerystorethatmaybetrue,butifsomeoneyou'reinterestedinorattractedtodoesitthenitwillcomeacrossasflatteringinterestandattention.Youwilllikelyfeelcaptivating.
Apsychopathorotherskilledmanipulatormayalsoinducetranceorhypnosispurposefullyinordertotakeadvantageofavictim.Theymaycreateatrancifyingatmospherewithmusicandcandlelight,speakinaslow,soothingtoneofvoiceorengagethevictiminanactivityknowntoinduceatrancestate.Whywouldamanipulatordothis?Tranceandhypnosislowerourpsychologicaldefensesandleaveusvulnerabletosuggestion.Hypnotizingsomeonewithouttheirconsentisconsideredunethicalforthisreason.
Increasedsuggestivenessmakesitmorelikelythatavictimwillbelievestatementsamanipulatormakesduringatrancestateandthatthebeliefswill
persistafterward.Theywillalsohaveastrongerdesiretorepeatactivitiestheyparticipatedinbecauseoftheheightenedsenseofpleasureexperiencedduringtrance.Apersonoractivityenjoyedduringtranceactsasanespeciallypersistentandpowerfuldrawtoreturntothepersonandrepeattheactivity.
CHAPTERFOUR:
IREFUSETOHAVETHISDISCUSSION!ALLABOUTINVALIDATION
"Whenweinvalidatepeopleordenytheirperceptionsandpersonalexperiences,wemakementalinvalidsofthem.Whenone’sfeelingsaredeniedapersoncanbemadetofeelcrazyevenwhentheyareperfectlymentallyhealthy."
~R.D.Laing,MD,psychiatrist
Anespeciallydamagingformofemotionalabuse.Invalidationistheactofrejecting,diminishing,ignoring,judgingormakingfunofsomeone'sfeelings.Unfortunately,ithappensalltoooftenandthereevenseemstobeanepidemicofitinsociety.
Invalidationisinsidiousandoftenpervasiveincertainrelationships.Whenwe'vehadourfeelingsinvalidated,weknowthatsomethingdoesn'tfeelrightbutwecan'tputourfingeronexactlywhatitis.Onereasonitremainshiddenisthatmanyofushavelearnedtothinkinvalidationis"normal,"becauseit'ssocommon.Youmayevendoittoothers.Itmightbecommon,butit'snothealthy.Thinkofhowoftenyou'veheardpeoplesaythingslike"itcouldbeworse,""lightenup,""don'tletitgettoyou,""justforgetaboutit,"or"youcanchoosetobehappy."
Peopleinvalidateothersforavarietyofreasons,sometimespurposefullyandsometimesnot.Anabuserwilluseinvalidationasatoolofmanipulationandaweapon.Othersmaybeshortonempathy.Somemayfeeluncomfortablewithyouremotionsorfeelpowerlesstodoanythingtohelpyou.Someareenviousofyouandwillinvalidateyourachievementsandthethingsthatbringyouhappiness:"It'snotsuchabigdeal,"or"He'snotreallythatgreat.Youcoulddobetter."
Thebottomlineisthis:Whenyou'reinvalidated,youarenothavingyouremotionalneedsmetbecausethepersondoingtheinvalidatingisnotbehavingwithempathy.
“Onedoesn’thavetooperatewithgreatmalicetodogreatharm.Theabsenceofempathyandunderstandingaresufficient.”
~CharlesM.Blow
Empathyisunderstandingandidentifyingwithanother'sfeelingsordifficulties,andthenconveyingthatunderstandingtothem.Itcreatesasenseofcaringandmutualunderstanding.Inotherwords,empathyconnectspeopleemotionally.
Whenyoutellsomeoneclosetoyouthatyou'refeelingblueaboutsomethingandtheysay,"Itreallyisn'tthatbad.Alotofpeoplehaveitworse,youknow"doyoufeelcaredfor,understoodandsupported?Ofcoursenot,becauseyourfeelingsandconcernshavebeeninvalidated.Theotherpersonhasconveyedthattheydon'tthinkyourfeelingsarevalid,sothereforetheywillnotofferanysupport.Asaresult,youwillnothaveyouremotionalneedsmet.
Weallhaveinnateemotionalneeds.Iftheseneedsaren'tmet,therecanbeseriousconsequencestooutpsychologicalhealth.Invalidationisnotrivialmatter.AccordingtoSteveHein,MSW,authoroftheexcellentandinvaluablewebsite,EQI.org,invalidationispsychologicalmurderor"soulmurder."
Havingemotionalneedsdoesnotmeanyouare"needy,"itmeansyou'renormal.
Ourfundamentalemotionalneeds:
Tobeacknowledged.
Tobeaccepted.
Tobelistenedto.
Tobeunderstood.
Tobeloved.
Tobeappreciated.
Toberespected.
Tobephysicallyandemotionallysafe.
Tobevalued.
Tofeelworthy.
Tobetrusted.
Tofeelcapableandcompetent.
Tofeelclear(notconfused).
Tobesupported.
Youcandeterminethehealthofyourcurrentrelationshipsbydeterminingwhetherornotyouremotionalneedsarebeingmet.
Invalidationneedstoberecognizedandtakenseriouslybecauseitcanleadtomentalhealthproblems.ResearcherThomasR.Lynch,Ph.D.foundthat"ahistoryofemotionalinvalidation...wassignificantlyassociatedwithemotioninhibition(i.e.,ambivalenceoveremotionalexpression,thoughtsuppression,andavoidantstressresponses).Further,emotioninhibitionsignificantlypredictedpsychologicaldistress,includingdepressionandanxietysymptoms."
Whenweexperienceinvalidation,wedefendourselveseitherthroughwithdrawalorcounter-attack."Repeatedwithdrawal,though,tendstodecreaseourself-confidenceandleadtoasenseofpowerlessnessanddepression.Ontheotherhand,goingontheoffensiveoftenescalatestheconflict.Ahealthierresponse,onewhichisbothinformativeandassertive,withoutbeingaggressive,istosimplyexpressyourfeelingsclearlyandconcisely.Forexample,youmightrespond,'Ifeelinvalidated,''Ifeelmocked,'or'Ifeeljudged,'"saysHein.Howsomeonerespondstothosestatementsisimportant.Dotheyinvalidateyouagainwhenyousayyoufeelinvalidated,ordotheywanttolearnmore?
Thefollowingareexamplesofinvalidatingstatements.Theyeitherminimizeyourfeelings,denyyourperceptions,orderyoutofeeldifferently,tellyouhowyoushouldfeel,orputyouonaguilttripforthinkingorfeelingthewayyoudo:Ithoughtwealreadytalkedaboutthat.
Ican'tbelieveyou'regoingtobringthatupagain.
Irefusetohavethisdiscussion.
Youshouldbeashamedofyourselfforfeelingthatway.
Youneedtorealizehowluckyyouare.
Itcouldbeworse.
Youshouldn'tfeelthatway.
Thinkaboutthosewhohaveitworse.
Justdon'tworryaboutit.
Getoverit.
Stoptakingeverythingsopersonally.
Getalife.
Lightenup.
Cheerup.
Don'tlooksoserious.
You'vegotitallwrong.
OfcourseIrespectyou.
ButIdolistentoyou.
Thatisridiculous.
Thisisnonsense.
That'snotthewaythingsare.
Ihonestlydon'tjudgeyouasmuchasyouthinkIdo.
Youaretheonlyonewhofeelsthatway.
Itdoesn'tbotheranyoneelse,whyshoulditbotheryou?
Youmustbekidding.
Itcan'tbethatbad.
You'rejusttired.
It'snothingtogetupsetover.
It'snotworthgettingthatupsetover.
Youshouldfeelthankfulthat________.
Youshouldbegladthat________.
Justdropit.
Youshouldjustforgetaboutit.
I'msureshedidn'tmeanthat.
Maybehewasjusthavingabadday.
Youshouldn'tletitbotheryou.
I'msureshemeanswell.
Don'tmakethatface!
Youdon'treallymeanthat.
Doyouthinktheworldwascreatedtoserveyou?
Don'tyoueverthinkofanyonebutyourself?
Whataboutmyfeelings?
Timehealsallwounds.
Everycloudhasasilverlining.
Lifeisfullofupsanddowns.
Youcanchoosetobehappy.
Youarejustgoingthroughaphase.
Everythinghasitsreasons.
Everythingisjustthewayitissupposedtobe.
Thisisreallygettingold.
Thisisgettingtobepathetic.
Iamsickandtiredofhearingit.
Youshouldbeoverthatbynow.
It'snotsuchabigdeal.
That'swhatyou'resoexcitedabout?Isthatall?
Youthinktoomuch.
Don'tletitgettoyou.
That'snothingtobeafraidof.
Stopfeelingsosorryforyourself.
You'vebeenupsetaboutthisfortoolong;it'stimetomoveon.
Justdon'tthinkaboutit.
Youneedtogetpastthat.
Youneedtogetonwithyourlife.
You're_______(jealous,insecure,crazy,unstable,aworrywart,overlydramatic,acomplainer,toosensitive)You'remakingabigdealoutofnothing.
You'reimaginingthings.
Invalidationcanalsobeconveyedwithoutwords.Non-verbalinvalidationincludessuchactionsasleavingtheroom,givingthesilenttreatment,androllingtheeyes.
Withincreasedawareness,you'llnoticeinvalidatingcommentsandbehaviors.
Invalidationmakesuswonderifthereissomethingwrongwithusforfeelingthewaywedo.AccordingtoHein,"Itseemsfairtosaythatwithenoughinvalidation,onepersoncanfiguratively,ifnotliterally,driveanotherpersoncrazy...Thisisespeciallypossiblewhenonepersonhaslong-termpowerorinfluenceoveranother."
Howsomeonerespondstoyouremotionsandperceptionswillindicatehowmuchtheyrespectyou,howmuchtheycareaboutyouandyourfeelings,howcapabletheyareofempathyandintimacy,andhowmuchtheyaretryingtochangeorcontrolyou.
CHAPTERFIVE:
THEMOSTPOWERFULMOTIVATORONTHEPLANET,INTERMITTENTREINFORCEMENT
Thereisnothingliketheblissandelationofnewlove,especiallywhenyoubelieveyou'vefound"theone."Thattakesittoanotherlevel.Youmayfeelyouneverreallyknewwhatlovewasbeforeandexperienceincrediblejoyandhappiness.
Andthenonedaysomethingunexpectedmighthappen.You'llgetaqueasyfeelingthatyoucan'tshake.You'llsensedeepinyourgutthatheorsheispullingaway,butyouwon'tknowwhy.Yourheartwillsinkandyourstomachwillclenchwithfear.
Intheprocessofapathologicalrelationship,themomentwhenthejoyatfindingloveturnsintothefearoflosingitiscalledthemanipulativeshift.Whenthathappens,themanipulatortakescontrol.Thepersonwhoidealizedyounowdevaluesyou.Alongandpainfulridedownhillbegins.
Feartakesawayourabilitytothinkclearly.It'sanintenselypowerfulanduncomfortableemotion,andwewanttofeelsafeagain.Inthiscase,feariscausedbythethreatoflosingwhowebelieveisourlovingandwonderfulpartner.
Whenwefeelfear,wewillgivejustaboutanythingtothepersonwhocantakethatfearaway.Inthissituation,thatpersonistheveryonewhocauseditinthefirstplace--themanipulator.Heorshecantakeourfearawaybybecomingattentiveandlovingagain,andwetryhardtoregainthatattentionandlove.Themanipulatorshowsushow--andkeepsushookedonthem--throughtheuseofcovertmanipulation.
Iffearissomethingwewanttoavoid,howdoesamanipulatoruseittokeepushooked?
Byalternatingfearwithanotherextremelypowerfulemotion:Love.
Creatingfearoflosingtherelationship--andthenrelievingitperiodicallywithepisodesofloveandattention--employsapowerfultacticofmanipulationknownasintermittentreinforcement.
Thosepositiveepisodesthatbanishourfearreleaseapotentdoseoffeel-goodhormonesandneurotransmittersincludingdopamine,whichinduceseuphoria.
Haveyouevergonetoacasinoandplayedaslotmachine?Youfeedinquartersandpullthehandle,overandover,andwatchcolorfulimagesoffruitandnumbersandbellswhizby.Ifyoudon'twinanythingyoustarttofearthatyoumightloseallthemoneyyoualreadyputin,letalonenotwinthejackpot,soyouarecompelledtokeeptrying.Whatifyouwalkawayfromthismachinenowandthenextpersontositdownpullsthehandleandwins?Youinsertafewmorequarters,pullthehandleand--amazingly--imagesofarednumber7lineup,bellsringandcolorfullightsflash.Quarterspouroutfromthemachineandintoyourwaitinghands.Thisrewardcausesyourbraintolightup,too,byreleasingaburstofpleasure-inducingdopamine,andyouwantmore.Yourfearvanishes;youhaveyourmoneyback.Andnowthatyouhaveallthoseshinyquartersthere'snoreasonnottokeepplaying!Whoknows,maybeyou'llwinthebigjackpot!Youstartfeedingthemachineagain.Youalternatebetweenthethrillandreliefofwinningsmalljackpotsandthefearoflosingitall.You'rehooked.
Psychologyresearchershavelongconsideredintermittentreinforcementthemostpowerfulmotivatorontheplanet.Itisalsothemostmaliciouslymanipulativetactic.Intermittentreinforcementissimplyunpredictablerandomrewardsinresponsetorepeatedbehavior,butthereisnomorepowerfulformulatogetsomeonetofeeloractinadesiredway.Itcanbeelevatedgraduallytoextremelevels,creatingcompliancethatisobsessiveandevenself-destructive.Youwon'tnoticeitforwhatitiswhenit'shappening...unlessyou'reawareofthetacticandhowitworks.
Inamanipulativerelationship,themoreinfrequentlythecrumbsofloveareoffered,themorehookedyouget.Youbecomeconditioned,likearatinalaboratorycage.Whenratsaretaughttopressaleverthatrandomlydispensesadeliciousmorsel,theypresstheleverobsessively.Afterawhile,theywillkeeppressingtheleverevenifnomoremorselscomeout...untiltheystarvetodeath(Ithinkthisisanunconscionableexperiment,bytheway).Similarly,wemayholdontoapartnerandarelationshipwhenthereisnomorelovetobehad.
Labratsaretaughttopresstheleverbystartingthemoutwithcontinuouspositivereinforcement.Thinkofitas"treatbombing"inplaceof"lovebombing."Whentheexperimentbegins,everytimetheratpressesthelevershegetsamorsel.Thentheresearcherschangethegame.Theratpressestheleverbutamorselisn'tdeliveredwitheverypressanymore,onlyonrandompresses.Theratisfearfulthatshewon'tgetfedbutsheknowspressingtheleverbrought
foodinthepast,soshekeepspressingituntilshegetssome.Aslongasshegetsamorseleveryonceinawhile,shekeepspressingit.Whenthemorselsstopcoming,she'ssureshe'llgetonenexttimeshepressesit,orthetimeafterthat...sosheneverstopstrying.
Itworksthesamewayinamanipulativerelationship.Youaretheratandthemorselyoukeeptryingforislove.
Intermittentreinforcementplaysabigroleinthephenomenonoftraumaticbonding.Atraumabondisaverystrongattachmenttoanabuserthatdevelopsnotinspiteofmanipulationandabuse,butbecauseofit.
Powerfulemotionalattachmentsareseentodevelopfromtwospecificfeaturesofabusiverelationships:powerimbalancesandintermittentgood-badtreatment,accordingtopsychologyresearchersDonaldG.DuttonandS.Painter,"Emotionalattachmentsinabusiverelationships:Atestoftraumaticbondingtheory,"ViolenceandVictims,Volume8,1993.
Intermittentreinforcementbeginsinsidiously.Thestageofcontinualpositivereinforcement--lovebombing--ends.Perhapsaphonecallortextmessageisn'treturnedordoesn'tcomeattheusualtime.Ahandthatalwaysheldoursaswewalkeddownthestreetiskeptinapocketinstead.Wewitnessourpartnerflirtingwithsomeoneelse,althoughtheydenyit.Foraweek,theyaren'tinthemoodtomakelove.Theysubtlyorovertlycriticizeordemeanusforourweight,ourage,ourideasoropinions,orsomequirktheyonceclaimedtolove.Theycompareusunfavorablytosomeoneelse.Theygiveusthesilenttreatment.
Littlebylittle,itgetsworse.Muchworse.Buttherearealwaysthetimesyouaregivenafewmorselsoflove:yourpartnerrevertsbacktobeingthelovingandattentivepersontheyusedtobe.Allhopeisnotlost!You'reunwittinglyputonanemotionalrollercoaster,ridingittodizzyingheightsthatalternatewithdeath-defyingdrops.
Whatcanyoudotopreventbeingvictimizedbyintermittentreinforcement?It'shardtorecognizeifyouknownothingaboutit,butnowyou'rearmedwithknowledge.Herearesomethingstokeepinmindforfuturerelationships:
Considerthetrustworthinessofyourpartneronanongoingbasis.Onceheorshegainsyourtrust,it'sveryeasyforthemtogetawaywithalotofbadbehavior.Afterall,youhaveasolidimageofthemastrustworthy.Buttrustshouldn'tbegivenonceandthenlastforever.Aperson'strustworthinessshouldbere-evaluatedasneeded.Howcanyoutellifyourpartnerisstilldeservingofyourtrust?
Trustisbasedonthreeaspects:Predictability,dependabilityandfaith.Predictabilityistheconsistencyofyourpartner'sbehavior,andpredictablebehaviorisinstarkcontrasttotheunpredictabilityofintermittentgood-badorhot-coldtreatment.Dependabilityisthedegreetowhichyoutrustyourpartnertobehonestandreliable.Faithrepresentsyourconvictionthatyourpartnerwillberesponsivetoyourneedsandcanbecountedontobehaveinakindandcaringmanner.
Don'tjudgeyourpartner'strustworthinessbyhowtheywereinthepast--considerthethreeelementsoftrustatthepresenttime.Skilledmanipulatorsaregoodatgainingourtrust,butnotsogoodatkeepingit.Theycountonourimageofthemastrustworthyasasubstituteforactuallybeingtrustworthy.
Keepinmindthesignsinyourselfthatyou'rebeingmanipulated,whichyoulearnedpreviouslyinchaptertwo,'HowtoTellifYou'reBeingManipulated."Youwillnotfeellikethatinahealthy,normalrelationship.Thosesignsarereliableindicatorsthatintermittentreinforcementisatplay.
Lookforthehallmarksofahealthyrelationship:Intimacy,commitment,consistency,balance,progression,sharedvalues,love,care,trustandrespect.
Listentoanyalarmbellsthatgooffinyourhead,andlistentofriendsandfamilymemberswhomareknowntohaveyourbestinterestatheart.Don'tignorethem,nomatterhowmuchyouwouldliketo.
Becomeandstayconsciousofthepowerbalanceoftherelationship.Thepersonwhocareslesshasthepower.Beawarethatwhenyoufeelchronicallyinsecure,heartsick,anxiousorhurt,youcangetcaughtupinthedramaofabuseandbecomeblindtothelargerdynamicatwork.Isthisahealthyrelationship,onethatyou'rethrivingwithin,ornot?
Askyourselfifyourrelationshipisbasedonrealemotionalintimacyorifyou'rebeingtrickedintoacceptingintensityasasubstitute.Findouthowtoanswerthatquestionbyreadingthenextchapter.
CHAPTERSIX:
INTIMACYORINTENSITY?ARELATIONSHIPLITMUSTEST
“Ihaveflownandfallen,andIhaveswumdeepanddrowned,butthereshouldbemoretolovethan'Isurvivedit.'"
~LisaMantchev,SoSilverBright
Itseemsthatmagichasenteredyourlife.Itbringswithitonce-in-a-lifetimesoul-matelove,trueromance,amazingsex...Youaresweptoffyourfeetandtakentoanenchantedworldjustfortwo,onethatfloatslikeabubblehighabovethemundaneworldbelow.
Youneverexpectthisbubbletoburst.Youbelievetheincredibleintensityyousharewithyourpartnerindicatesadeepconnection,onethatwilllastalifetime.
Fallinginloveisaheadyexperiencethathasthepotentialtobecomeastrongandlastingconnectionbasedonemotionalintimacy.Thatcan'thappenifyourpartnerisn'tincapableofemotionalintimacy,though.
Youmaynotevennoticealackoftrueintimacyifyou'redazedanddeludedbytheextraordinaryintensityofyourexperience.Thesmokeandmirrorsofmanipulationcaneasilydistractyoufromthetruth.
Intimacyisbasedontrust,understandingandvulnerability.Peoplewhobecomeemotionallyintimatedosobytakingtheriskofbeingemotionallyvulnerablewiththeirpartner,revealingtheirtrueselvesandfeelingemotionallysafeafterwardinsteadoffeelingjudged,mocked,invalidatedorrejected.
Intimacyisbasedonemotionalsafety,patience,respect,consistencyandamutualgive-and-take.Withoutself-disclosure,therecanbenointimacy.Themoreintimateyouarewithsomeone,thesaferyoufeelandthemoreworthwhiletherelationship.Youarefreetobeyourselfwithinanatmosphereofmutualacceptanceandunderstanding.
Intensity,ontheotherhand,involvesdrama,anxiety,uncertaintyandfear.It'sallaboutpush-pull,hot-cold,high-low.
AccordingtoHarrietLerner,PhDinherbook,DanceofIntimacy,"Intensityisbeingcompletelylostintheemotionofunreasoningdesire.Itismarkedbyurgency,sexualdesire,anxiety,high-riskchoicesandtherecklessabandonmentofwhatwasoncevalued.All-consumingeuphoriasimilartorecreationaldruguse(addictivechemicalreactionsinthebrain)....lossofabilitytomakerationalevaluationsofwhatistrue,valuableandworthy.Desiretobealwaysclosetothatpersonatanycost."
Incontrast,Lernerwritesthatanintimaterelationship"isoneinwhichneitherpartysilences,sacrifices,orbetraystheselfandeachpartyexpressesstrengthandvulnerability,weaknessandcompetenceinabalancedway...Intimacymeansthatwecanbewhoweareinarelationship,andallowtheotherpersontodothesame.'Beingwhoweare'requiresthatwecantalkopenlyaboutthingsthatareimportanttous,thatwetakeaclearpositiononwherewestandonimportantemotionalissues,andthatweclarifythelimitsofwhatisacceptableandtolerabletousinarelationship."
Thatissimplynotpossiblewithamanipulator.
Bondingcreatedbyintensity--emotionalhighsandlows--ismaintainedbypowerfulsurgesofeuphoria-inducingdopamineduringthehighs,andanintensecravingformoreduringthelows.
Learningtheoristshavefoundthatapatternofintermittentreinforcement,whichispositivereinforcementalternatedwithpunishment(apatternofabuseandreward),developsthestrongestemotionalbonds.
Intermittentgood-badtreatmenttriggersbiologicalchangesaswellasemotionalones.Relationshipsbasedonintensityareactuallythesameasanaddictiontodrugsoralcohol.Interactionwithyourpartnerfostersaspecificpatternofcompulsivebehaviorandisnotreallyanintimaterelationshipatall:It'sanaddiction,inthetruesenseoftheword.
Theseexploitativerelationshipsformatraumabond,ahighlyaddictiveattachmenttoapersonwhoishurtingyou.Apersoninatraumabondisessentiallyaddictedtoarelationshipwithsomeonewhoisdestructiveandhurtful.Signsofatraumabondincludetheinabilitytodetachandself-destructivedenial.
WriterandabusesurvivorAmandaDomurackidescribeditperfectlywhenshewrote,"Wecannotwalkaway,though,becausewithoutusrealizingit,ourabuserhasbecomeourhumanneedle;ourDrugLordofLove.Thepersonwhoownsourself-valueandself-worthandwho,inthenameoflove,canrejectus
intodeeplowswithasingleglare,orsendustoeuphorichighswithonesimplesmile."
Toknowthatyouarelovedforwhoyouare,andtoknowsomeoneelseinalloftheirvulnerabilityandtolovethemastheyare,maybeoneoflife’smostfulfillingexperiences,sayssociologistBreneBrown.
Intensity,ontheotherhand,istheoppositeoffulfilling.Itisdraining,exhausting,crazymakingand,ultimately,meaninglessandempty.
Themostimportanttestofintimacyistoaskyourselfifyourrelationshipisasafehavenwhereyoufeellovedandacceptedforbeingyourself.
“Thereisnothingmoreintimateinlifethansimplybeingunderstood.”
~BradMeltzer,TheInnerCircle
CHAPTERSEVEN:
NOWWHAT?
Atthispoint,youprobablyhaveamuchclearerideaofwhetherornotyou'rebeingmanipulatedbysomeoneclosetoyou.Ifyouare,whatshouldyoudo?Thereisnoeasyanswer.Thewayyouresponddependsonmanyfactors:Isthepersonwhoismanipulatingyouapathologicalmanipulatorwhohasnootherwayofrelatingtoothers?Orisitsomeonewhousesmanipulationfromtimetotimetogetsomeneedmet,andwhocouldlearnabetterwaytogoaboutit?Whatisyourrelationshiptothemanipulator?Howdetrimentalistheirmanipulationtoyou?Whathavetheconsequencesbeentotherelationshipandtoyourpsychologicalwell-being?
Ifyou'reinvolvedwithapathologicalmanipulatorwhohasbeendamagingyourmentalhealth,yoursenseofselfworthandyourqualityoflife,theonlyansweristoendyourrelationshipwiththem.Thatmightnotbeeasytodo.Youmightbemarriedtothemanipulatorandhavechildrentogether.Butthereisnootheranswerifyou'retrulydealingwithamanipulatorwhohasapersonalitydisordersuchaspsychopathyornarcissisticpersonalitydisorder.Seektherapywithamentalhealthprofessionalwhohasexpertiseinabusiverelationshipsandthetraumathatresults,orcontactyourlocaldomesticviolenceorganizationforhelp.Emotionalmanipulationisabuse.
Thefollowingbookscanhelpyoutolearnmoreaboutpathologicalmanipulators.Ihavereadeachoneandfoundthemtobeexcellent:
DangerousPersonalities:AnFBIProfilerShowsYouHowtoIdentifyandProtectYourselffromHarmfulPeoplebyJoeNavarroandToniSciarraPoynter.
Fromthebookdescription:"FormerFBIprofilerJoeNavarroshowsreadershowtoidentifythefourmostcommon'dangerouspersonalities'andanalyzehowmuchofathreateachonecanbe:theNarcissist,thePredator,theParanoid,andtheUnstablePersonality.Alongtheway,readerslearnhowtoprotectthemselvesbothimmediatelyandlong-term―aswellashowtorecoverfromthetraumaofbeingclosetosuchadestructiveforce."
InSheep'sClothing:UnderstandingandDealingWithManipulativePeople,byGeorgeK.Simon,Phd.Dr.Simonisanexcellentsourceofinformationabout
thecharacter-disorderedamongusandhowtodealwiththem.
Fromthebook'sdescription,includedare"Fourreasonswhyvictimshaveahardtimeleavingabusiverelationships;powertacticsmanipulatorsusetopushtheirownagendasandjustifytheirbehavior;waystoredefinetherulesofengagementbetweenyouandanabuser;howtospotpotentialweaknessesinyourcharacterthatcansetyouupformanipulation;and12toolsforpersonalempowermenttohelpyoumaintaingreaterstrengthinallrelationships."
Ifyoubelieveyou'redealingwithamorebenign,garden-varietymanipulator,andyoufeeltherelationshipisworthwhileandsalvageable,pleasereadDr.HarrietBraiker'sinvaluablebook,Who'sPullingYourStrings?HowtoBreaktheCycleofManipulationandRegainControlofYourLife.Thisisabookeveryoneshouldread.Theauthorteachesthereaderhowtohandlemanydifferenttypesofmanipulation.
Indispensibleadviceforanyonewhowantstoprotectthemselvesfrommanipulationistoworkondevelopingclear,strongpersonalboundaries.Boundariesprotectyourvalues,goals,time,resources,emotionalhealthandwhateverelseisimportanttoyou.Manipulationcausesyoutoactagainstyourownbestinterest.Ifyourboundariesareclearandstrong,youwillrecognizewhensomeoneisattemptingtocrossthem.Thegoalofmanipulationistorobyouofwhatisofimportanceandvaluetoyou,forthemanipulator'spersonalgain.Pleasedon'tletthathappentoyou.
Forguidanceindevelopingyourpersonalboundaries,I'vewrittenthebookBoundaries:LovingAgainAfteraPathologicalRelationship.Manyreadershavesaiditisahelpfulandvaluableresource.
CHAPTEREIGHT:
YOURBASICHUMANRIGHTS
Iwillendthisbookwithalistofthebasichumanrightsweallhave.Manipulatorsworkhardtomakeyouforgetthem,soI'dliketoremindyouofwhattheyare:Ihavetherighttohavemyneedsandfeelingsbeasimportantasanyoneelse’s.
Ihavetherighttoexperienceandexpressmyfeelings,ifIchoosetodoso.
Ihavetherighttonotberesponsibleforthefeelingsofanother.
Ihavetherighttoexpressmyopinions,ifIchoosetodoso.
Ihavetherighttosetmyownpriorities.
IhavetherighttoestablishindependenceifIchooseto.
IhavetherighttodecidehowIspendmytime.
Ihavetherighttochoosemyownlifestyle.
Ihavetherighttochangemylifestyle,myself,mybehaviors,myvalues,mylifesituation,andmymind.
Ihavetherighttomakehonestmistakesandtoadmitthosemistakeswithoutfeelinghumiliated.
Ihavetherighttoself-fulfillmentthroughmyowntalentsandinterests.
Ihavetherighttogrowasapersonandtoacceptnewchallenges.
IhavetherighttochoosewhoIspendmytimewithandwhoIsharemybodywith.
Ihavetherighttobetreatedwithdignityandrespectinallmyrelationships.
Ihavetherighttobelistenedtorespectfully.
IhavetherighttoaskforwhatIwantassertively.
Ihavetherighttosay“Idon’tunderstand”or“Idon’tknow”withoutbeinghumiliated.
Ihavetherighttosay“No,”andtosetlimitsandboundarieswithoutfeelingguilty.
IhavetherighttosetlimitsonhowIwillbetreatedinrelationships.
Ihavetherighttoexpectmyboundariestoberespected.
Ihavetherighttowalkawayfromtoxicorabusiverelationships.
Ihavetherighttohavethesebasichumanrightsandtostandupforthem.
Yourbasicrightsarethefoundationofyourpersonalboundaries.Ifyoukeeptheserightsinmindandguardthem,youwillnoteasilybecomeavictimofemotionalmanipulation.
Thankyouforreadingthisbook.Isincerelyhopeithashelpedyoulearnmoreaboutemotionalmanipulationandenabledyoutospotitinyourownrelationships.Ifithasfulfilleditsmission,pleaseleaveashortreviewonAmazon.Yoursupportistrulyappreciated.Thankyou.
AlltheBesttoYou,AdelynBirch
Formorevaluableinformationpleasevisittheauthor'swebsite,PsychopathsandLove.com
OtherbooksbyAdelynBirch:
Boundaries:LovingAgainAfteraPathologicalRelationship
PsychopathsandLove
202WaystoSpotaPsychopathinPersonalRelationships
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